/co/ Is Love

So, as per usual, I was browsing /co/ looking for some interesting discussions to lurk, cool new backgrounds, etc.

I came across a thread that had links. Right away, Im intrigued as to what I can get for free from the internet.

As I looked, links were to amazon.com. Didnt understand.

I scrolled quickly and glanced, noticing that they were apparently wish lists.

I grew puzzled.

Later on in the night, I saw the thread was still up, and had a bevvy of comments.

People who had made these wishlists, or came across them even, were buying some of the things for complete strangers online for christmas. With thier own money.

As I read through, and came across a couple other threads, people who made the wishlists were too poor/no family or friends/whatever reason to get gifts, and apparently, it was a yearly tradition on /co/ to give gifts to people. Some people were discussing that they got a confirmation that it was sent and that theyre very greatful to have someone think of them on christmas, even if its from someone in some far part of the world, others said that it didnt show as bought, but were greatful for the effort of trying to give instead of recieve.

This touched me. Never have I been so moved by something as random as a 4chan board and people being kind to each other in a harsh time for some. People randomly spending thier money for complete strangers out of the kindness of thier hearts to bring some joy and cheer to someone else who needs it more. If I had the finances, I would participate and help someone have a little joy in thier holiday, but it proved something to me.

Humanity may not be lost.

As much as a hateful, angry prick I am, I have a heart. And the fact that people can organize a yearly event and bring joy to those less fortunate, out of sheer random acts of kindness and caring, its almost unfathomable.

I guess theyre completely right. No matter what the opinions, tastes, etc.

/co/ is love.

Sick again

As usual, every year, I get sick on xmas. I woke up around 130 sweating and shivering like I was in the arctic, covered up in multitudes of layers, work up at 2 (or rather, got up since I didnt sleep at this point) and threw up water every hour til 8am, then in a semi-comatose state, passed out. Ive been asleep/in some sort of micro-nap or coma ish thing all day, feeling worse. Held down some penut butter, crackers, bread, water and pedealyte pops, and have a 3 hout shift tomorrow morning to impress a big wig at work. I dont wanna let my boss down, but I feel like death. We'll see what happens.

I can only hope to feel better and get ready for sundays shift.

So lousy.

Update

Poppin back in.

Temporarily giving up on love to be a good friend to some of mine that need it.

Gamin nonstop.

Working a metric fuckton.

Writing.

And oh yeah, being me :]

1 Long, Painful, Hard Fucking Year

Its been a whole year. 1 whole year. 365 days since you passed away, and not a single day goes by that it doesnt tear at me.

It hasnt been easy on me.

I may not have known you like many other people did, but that doesnt make it any easier to feel better. Someone so young and who had something to live for, a purpose, a calling, taken from everyone.

I am not someone who deals with certain things very well. Death and grief is one of them. I cant accept mortality, seeing the young taken in thier prime. Its too much for me to bear.

I have a job working with animals, Im so thankful for it, Im on track to being responsible and paying my own way through life slowly, Im making and have made some amazing friends everywhere, in music, art, college, work, conventions, gatherings, parties, everywhere. I couldnt be more fucking thankful.

But that didnt make today any easier.

While the world cant stop for a day just cuz a measly handful of people are grieving, I did. My entire body shut down. I slept most of the day, depsite the fact its my moms birthday, and I wanted to spend the day with her, having fun. I slept when I got home, I left to go see my best friend as she had a visitor with greyhounds, which was hard for both of us since a dog hadnt been in her house for almost 2 years, and then I came home and slept.

I didnt get to hang with my mom, I didnt get to have a fun day and enjoy it. I slept cuz I couldnt stand being awake. I couldnt. It was too hard for me to think that such a young and caring person was taken so quickly. Its wrong.

Thats why I can say Im a horrible person. I have to question God, why the fuck would someone so caring and young be needed? What part of His plan is that, for a young man to be pulled from this world without reason?

Ive become so jaded.

Im not a nice person, though I always try to be. I have a sick and twisted mind, and a heart filled with hate. I dont have anything to live for. Im not going to be some famous and life changing musician, Im not gonna be a huge genre defining artist, I dont have the patience to go back to college, which is why I dropped out in the first place, and be a teacher, and I wont be anything special. Yet he was taken, not me. He had the skills, the knowledge, the motivation to do something good and beneficial for people.

And hes gone. And Im still here. And there isnt a single thing right about it.

I have always tried to do my best at everything I do, and have always tried to be helpful, but Ive seen and been through a lot, definately not as much as most of my friends, but I know enough to be a negative, spiteful, ruthless motherfucker. I have a lot of problems, mostly in my head, and I dont think there will ever be a day when I can overcome those problems, but as long as my friends can understand that everything is hard for me, every day is a struggle to get through sane and happy, and that every second is a fucking hell that I bear and live through, just to help other people and make thier lives better, then I can die happy.

Everyone, thank you. Chris, matt, geoff, ken, jess, robyn, ed, sami, krystina, tara, erin, amanda, jen, lauren, aaron, lauren, tim, steve, brian, nate, kittie, ryan, josh, sean, and everyone else who Im too lazy to type, literally everyone, thank you.

I may be an annoying, hopeless, insane piece of shit, but Im glad you all can understand and have the patience to put up with me on a daily basis.

Im sorry I couldnt be a better friend Teddy.

Im sorry I couldnt be a better son mom.

RIP.

Happy Birthday.

-Reg

Too Late

So a lot has happened, and I realized a lot.

I lost some people I truly cared about because they were too shallow or too stupid to understand the concept of companionship or friendship.

And I realized, although perhaps too late, who really means a lot to me.

Im gonna try and set things right, but Im not sure how it will go :/

Same Shit

Im sick of getting shit on by everyone.

Nobody fucking respects me at work, no one fucking respects me as a friend, nothing. Everyone acts like Im thier bitch and treats me like fucking shit.

Fuck you, I went out of my way for you and all you did was fuckin lie to me and fuck me over.

Eat shit and die you cunt.

Failure

I have finally accepted myself as a failure. Not at everything, despite what I choose to think about myself, but in art.

I was at work on break the other day, and I sat there with my sketchbook, ready with ideas flowing, creative juices doing thier thing. But nothing came out. Not a line.

As I went back on register, and had done my tasks for the night, I grabbed a small piece of trash paper and tried to draw something. The second I saw this was nothing what the original picture, in my head or how it was originally drawn, looked like, I tore it to shreds and threw it away.

I cant draw a single good looking thing without having some sort of reference in front of me.

This means computer, book, comic, etc. Cant do anything by memory alone and not let it look like a 6 year old drew it.

This realization at first infuriated me (in addition to having a shitty day at work, literally, mopping shit up with only one coworker who's always a kind woman to say thank you) but then depressed me.

I remember a comic then, and how one character had a tiny little netbook. Maybe I could get one and bring it with me, to use for drawing, have tons of refs on it, wifi, etc.

Idk, but Im writing an ep/album/whatever about my failures and its frustrations.

Also, I hate my job. The people there are miserable now, Im prolly up for a firing, and excluding a few of my friends, most of the store hates me.

So much hate going on right now, in addition to my own shitty luck with women, I find out numerous things regarding my friends, and how my allegiance was tested by World Whore.

First off, heres a few things we need to establish.

1-NEVER question my loyalty to my friends. EVER. You will regret it.

2-Dont you ever fucking say you are innocent. You're not. We're ALL guilty of something. I own up to it. I admit when Im wrong. You say all this shit about someone you used to be friends with and then just run away from me, youre a fucking joke.

Ugh, rant over, fuck the world, the whores, the world whore, and life in general.

Long shift tomorrow, maybe take my mind off of things.

Or make it worse.

Break Down Walls

Im always putting myself out there, and just when I think I'll be ok, something happens. Or in this case, nothing happened.

Of course the girls Im swooning over never go online, and thats kinda all I do. Yeah.

So uh, things clearly never going in my favor, and I dont like my life's direction. I know Im the only one who can change it, but whats the fucking point if each road leads to a lonely end?

Maybe things will get better one they get online, see Im a nice guy, etc.

I can only hope.

World Whore 4

You sicken me.

You said you were honest, but truly, its a lie. I was foolish to think you could ever be a true friend.

You said you were giving me a warning, telling me about someone I hardly knew, well, I think you were really talking about yourself.

I stuck my neck out for you, defended you, and stood against the tide that said you were a terrible person, and told them they were wrong. I gave you the benefit of the doubt, and yet in return I get nothing but a cold shoulder and your sudden ignorance.

You lied, with every breath you took, saying how I was a good person and how Im a good friend, when the only time I was ever a speck in your universe was when you got to chop someone down a peg without telling me anything of importance. You used me to feed your hatred for someone, and then you continued on as if I never existed.

You're the one who should feel sorry, not me. You're the one who is missing out on having true and noble kindness in your corner, you're the one who lives a life of excess and greed, you're the one, so vain, you cant settle down with just one person, the one who loves to manipulate but hates to be manipulated.

I thought you were different, but you're not, you're just the same type of scum like the rest of them. You use me for whatever sick purpose I serve you and then cast me aside as if you never had anything to do with me.

You're nothing but a self-centered whore, and you wouldn't know true happiness if it shot you square between the eyes.

Im glad Im not a part of your life, cuz the only woman I want in my life is someone who isnt as big a whore or as selfish, evasive, and keniving as you.

I will not falter cuz of you, I will stand and walk head held high and I will find someone who is worth the time and effort that you took from me, never bothering to return.

You will never find happiness.

Fuck you.

Somedays

I wish I could just disappear.

All the people who have a place in my heart have grown to hate me, more than anyone. I dunno why, but it makes me feel like shit.

This is why Im always so negative and angry, cuz its a waste. People I care for, love, hold dear, and try and help out before myself, they end up hating me and being a waste of time.

I wish theyd see how good a friend I am. I was always there to talk to when things were wrong, there to try and help make things better, I tried to help everyone I could, didnt care too much about what happened to me as a result, ended up just somehow fucking things up and making people hate me, despite my good natured heart and kindness.

If you see me and I act like a dick, now you know why. I tried to be a nice guy, I tried to be different, but I cant let my guard down for anyone anymore, cuz I end up getting fucked over again and again and again.

I hate saying this, but I love you so much I hate you, and vice versa.

A Question About Love

Detected.

So a friend posted a status that said, Here's a question-How many times have you fallen in love?

Being detected and sentimental as i am, it got me thinking. How many times?

After a quick count, 7.

7. I can remember only bad times with them. It was terrible. I always thought things would get better, and they never did. I wasted years on these people, only for them to turn on me and use me or cheat on me.

Recently, Ive thought I was in love, but it turns out to be one sided infatuation.

I added a ton of new people to make friends with on facebook, be a nice guy, maybe find someone who's into me, but still being talked to like im a bad guy.

I know Im a monster, cuz I say horrible things and have the opinion of death himself, but I ama caring and loving guy.

I dunno why people sometimes cant be straight up with me, or for that matter tell me WHY they dont like me, but whatever. Im trying to find a girl who will appreciate me for me and who wont change or make me change and be themselves.

So far, this goes with no results and many a day wasted trying to hang with people whom i either would like to get to know or who already have my heart.

This inspires me to write another song.

I dunno, it cant be love if Im the only one who cares. I guess in that case, Ive never been IN love since no one loves me, Ive only ever had feelings for someone who either didnt care or secretely hated me. It seems history repeats itself.

Its happening again, tenfold.

I dunno what to do, or how to tell them, or what, but my heart is splitting, such women who have a place in my mind each day.

I wish people would give me a chance to show them im not the monster i think i am, but thats not happening anytime soon since no one wants to even let me try to be a good guy.

I think its time for bed. If I keep up the sentimental crap, im gonna be cryin by the end of this.

Which would do me some good.

Wow Im Retarded

This is me.

Cuz I dont grasp that people have other shit to do.

Anyway, glad things are back to normal, glad people understand Im stupid, and give me more chances than I should get.

Love you all.

Oh, also, I plan on being hammered this weekend.

Yes.

Better updates to come.

Ignoring

Is this some fucking mind game? Anytime someone wants something or its important, they talk to me, but when im trying to be a good friend, no answer, i dont exist.

"Hey, I know its really none of my business"

Well, it isnt, but the fact youre making it yours and that you can be honest with me is refreshing, cuz at least someone cares.

Now whyd you bother telling me this if im always avoided or ignored? what was the point?

Why did i spend so much time trying to help these animals when you dont even respond to life or death info?

Why do i exist when you need something, but never when i wanna hang?

so fed up with every single one of my friends doin shit like this. im happy that im worth the time to worry about, tell important info, or important and nice enough to help you out, but when Im extending a caring hand to you with the guarenteed promise of being the best friend I can, and its not even met with a smile or acknowledgement, that hurts.

Im not sure what kind of headgames my friends are playin on me, but it aint fun.

Gah, thinkin too much, so much bad shits goin down, and I dont mean to sound like a dick or take it out on them, and I dont want to, Id just like straight answers, not aversions or the classic "i dunno" like I use.

If honesty is the best policy, why is my ass so honest, yet cant recieve it in the least?

Well, from some people....others have always been honest and that means a lot, even if it was only to spare some feelings of awkwardness.

Maybe more writing will help.

Oh, and listening to Manson all week. Old school shit. Makes me feel better. Its like listening to the blues for me.

I Just Dont Care Anymore, Sometimes

Eh, weird shit lately. Friends are unemployed, Im trying to use some usefull info I have to save a litter of puppies, random people, random IMs and messages, and somehow people seem to value my, uh, existance.

Strange.

Been working very hard at trying to stay positive and get things I want done, but Im far too nihilistic now to really give a shit, yet, at the same time, knowing that some people think if me and IM me or text or call out of the blue really picks me up, but also makes me see Im only tolerable in small doses, and that I really am lonely.

So, I have a long week ahead of me, and it will end with me being equally as lonely and fuckin workin my ass off for people who dont like me.

Welcome to my life.

A Prayer Or Two

I usually dont say much about my faith. I usually dont pray much either. Especially as of late, with all the sickening things that have gone on and will continue to happen, its hard for me to be a 'believer' sometimes.

But tonite, even when hanging with all my friends, I was bummed. A lot is happening, and for once, it isnt to me.

The castle has financial issues, ones Im hoping my small effort can help correct.

AAC is in like a week and Im pretty sure Im literally working and then not hanging with anyone the whole time. Wish I had money and some more friends to hang with, but at the moment, things would be very awkward for me...

Kaitlyns dog is pregnant. And she was vaccinated while pregnant. The puppies may not make it. And if they do, where to house them. And if something happens to the mother or the puppies, how much of a toll will that take on everyone?

Various happenings with friends. Some are bummed, some are unemployed, some are just flat out puzzling to me, and refuse to open up. Ironically, this gives me a refreshing look on how good I have it.

If my friends would just let me help them, talk to me, hell, SOMETHING, maybe they would feel better. Maybe my small part, just listening, let alone trying to help, would make them feel better knowing they have someone there to help and not judge or say whatever.

I always wondered why anyone, and I mean ANYONE is friends with me. Im rude, annoying, etc etc etc with the self loathing, but I do care. Everyone in life has a purpose, maybe this is mine, my small part is to fruitlessly try to help people I care about, make them hate me somehow by helping, and live in solitude.

Im sure once a lot of people get to know me more intimately, theyd see I am a monster, but one who at least gives a fuck about how they feel and what they have to say.

Ive clearly given up on doing anything good for this world, making something of myself, but I havent given up being everyones best friend, the go-to guy, the one you can count on to listen and help, or at the very least try.

Its fucking aggrivating sometimes when being there for someone is basically like being the rain; people curse it despite its neccesity.

So all in all, even though so much is wrong lately, I find myself thinking, praying, that things go right. Not for me, for everyone else.

I pray that my friends get the money they need to keep living, I pray that my friends dog has healthy puppies and they are able to find good homes for them, I pray that the rest of my friends would open up and talk to me, shoot me a text sometimes, and say hey, Im doin better, thanks for listening.

A thankless job indeed, but Id rather help for nothing than make matters worse for something.

Just wanted to let you all know, you mean a lot to me. I know some of you may not even think this means you, but it does. Everyone I know and talk to means something to me, and I hope that more people can open up and let me at least listen.

Im always a text or call away, since my phone is never off and Im online like 24/7.

Thanks.

Storm Wardens

So Ive decided to redo my marines. The Storm Wardens. Thier backstory is cool, and they fight worm people.

Been trying to figure out how to help out the castle (the game store I frequent) but so far I got nothing.

Im trying to organize get togethers for all my cosplay friends before and after AAC. Since I work down the road, it would be fun :]

Anyway, otherwise, writing more, painting and building more, giving a fuck and caring about people less.

I dont want to be the cold-hearted bastard, but some people....theyre pushing me into it.

Plus Im sick of being called/messaged/texted when they need something, never to hang or chat.

:/

So much weird shit

Trippy.

Detected.

Realize a lot more.

More confidence, less heartache, less worry, less lonely, more active, youll find happiness.

I miss all my friends

i hope to do something pre/post yomise'

hopin to have days off from work to hang/drink/game/etc :]

plus you all can learn a bit more about me.

tired, etc, peace.

AAC Is Soon

So AAC (Another Anime Con) is comin up. I know about 80% of my friends could give a shit less, so this is for everyone else.

I never go to cons at all. Ever. I go to the AAC Yomise (I work it for the stores owner) only cuz I have a source of power. I position that I cant be removed from. I avoid them like the plague due to many things. Mostly because so many people who hate me go, and will stop at nothing to make everyone believe the lies they tell and get me in trouble, thrown out, police problems, etc.

First off, a few of my exs go. Already that spells trouble. Ive been harassed by the cops so much because theyre always calling about things I never do. Its rediculous.

Next, a few people who I know dont like me that much, from various points in my life from high school to recently will be working and attending. Also, not havin that for me.

Finally, since these people are going, the few friends i have that dont hate me that ARE going will be having fun and making tons of inside jokes, remarks, and many other things that are over my fucking head. I dont watch a lot of anime. Ive seen maybe 2 movies that were subtitled. It was fun, but I prefer english dubs. Its a culture thing for me, Im able to understand and relate to the characters more since they speak a language I understand.

A couple friends of mine have even tried to get me to work at them, running security so if any of my exs or the people who dont like me start any shit, i can just kick them out. I decided against it so I dont have to deal with them at all. Knowing them theyd get the police to shut down the con itself, and after the shit theyve pulled already, its not unlikely.

Its sad, really, that I dont live my life the way I want. I dont want to miss out on good times with friends, I dont want to not be able to relax, have a laugh and experience something new. But I dont, I cant, and I wont anytime soon.

It sucks, Id like to be able to hang with all my friends, the ones I know at the castle, the ones I made at the past 2-3 Yomise's, but Im pretty sure Im not gonna be seeing any vendors for a long time :[

Thats why Im always so annoying and tryin to hang with some of my anime friends. Cuz the only time I can see them is at these events, and the only ones I met them at, some people ended up not likin me too much since my exs were goin around sayin Im a rapist and Im some abusive fuck.

I am a HUGE pussy, my little sister can kick my ass, this is certain. Im a nice guy, Im a virgin, and Im very respectful of people. Unfortunately, since most anime kids are so quick to believe ANYTHING, it ended up not being a very good night. I made a few great friends who Ive kept in contact with, be it through facebook alone :/

Sometimes I wish I was a little tougher, not so frail and weak, not so fucked up in the head, stomach, etc. But this is how it is.

I hope some of ya will hang once in a while, I mean, not like I have any grand plans :/

Sometimes I forget

That Im not living a life of "normality", that the fair maiden wont be mine eventually, that I wont be saving anyone, and I will be the one who is defeated.

I sometimes wish I wasnt myself. Sometimes that I could forget everyone and everything, start fresh, not have any bad memories of heartbreak, betrayal, not be so paranoid, remeet everyone and hopefully NOT fuck it up.

I mean, Im glad I have a lot more time to myself, and that Im on a creative roll, Im somewhat happier around people. But Im also sad that I cant hang with my friends sometimes, that they dont like me, and just put up with me like soooooooooooo many before. I cant help it with my paranoid self, but thats how I feel. I may be happy, but once Im alone I miss everyone, I long for the companionship I never had, and I certainly with some aspects of my romantic life were...uh, better?

All Im trying to do is be the great friend, the one who you can wake up at 4am and talk to so you feel better, who can try and give advice and help your problems, and who will take the time to listen and care, and not judge you.

Meh, not like that ever happens.

So Much Better

I feel amazingly better.

Needed a night with my best friend and some drinks to clear my head.

Gained confidence, opened up, felt happy for like, the first time in forever. A weight has been lifted. I was able to shove all nerves and my paranoia aside to confront whats been in my heart, and get it all laid out.

I can finally take my life back.

100%

Thanks to all my friends. Everyone. Work, gamers, otaku, best friends, everyone.

Just In Case You're Wondering.

If anyone was wondering why Im always hounding everyone I know to hang, its cuz Im never depressed and whiny when Im hanging with people. Plus I love to hang in groups.

So sorry to everyone who recieves texts between midnite and 4am askin if they wanna make plans. I never know anyones schedule and Im generally always free unless Im workin, which isnt all too much.

Sorry if it bugs people, but its the easiest way for me to cheer up. Plus I wanna get to know people more.

Its Over

I cant do it anymore. I cant pretend nothing is wrong, or that i have it under control.

My mood changed so much today. I went from tired, to angry, depressed, happy, carefree, helpful, loving, to depressed, enraged, and finally hopeless.

Its official. My depression has spiralled out of control. I cant stay the same way for more than a half hour without someone or something changing my mood.

I give up. I cant win. I thought I could take back my life but I cant. Ive tried to be optimistic, to see the good, but it just backfires and fucked me up more.

Im not sure what to do, but I know that Im gonna be fucked. Its the end. I cant joyride on my little happiness.

Im not sure whats gonna happen, but one things for sure.

Ill see you fucks in the gutter.

Post 50, Funniest thing tonite

Funniest thing, me and Chris went to the 24/7 rite aid. he had his finger holding onto a shelf of gum while i was about to pay, I said, careful there, he looks at me with the straightest face and says, no going anywhere. We both proceed to laugh through me paying and out 2 blocks down the street cracking up, crying from laughing, and nearly pissing myself from the random situation of it all. Funniest thing in my life.

Also, this.

Teddy

Where to begin...

It hasnt even been a full year yet and I miss you every day.

I still remember seein you and giving you a hug. Been ages since I did. I wanted to hang with you at Bury Your Dead/Throwdown, but unfortunately, thats the last time I saw you.

Ive never cried harder than when I went to your memorial service. Ive never seen so many people, I knew, I didnt know, everyone, who was there for you. So many people, whether they were friends or not came together for you. Even more to came jam at your memorial show.

I can only hope to have as big an impact on so many lives like you did to everyone. I can only hope that everyone will put aside thier differences to come hang one last time.

And yet, thats why Im typing this now.

None of my friends like most of my other friends. Its like I have a fuckin astroid belt of friends, some collide, others go together. No one likes one another. Theyve all made that perfectly clear. I dont know what to do. They hate each other for the stupidest reasons, most of which I can understand and relate to. Id be a fuckin hypocrite if I said I wasnt like that, I am, and I expect the same amount of disappointment from my friends, no matter what reasons I give to justify it with.

I dont think its fair. My friends are so focused on things I see as petty, and they complain how its wrong what theyre doing, etc, yet I can relate to the ones they dont like cuz Ive been in that situation, both sides. Ive gotten fucked over so many times youd think I was trying to date Enron. It sucks.

I got a job at Petsmart haha. Started in Feb. I been doing good. Ive learned so much stuff about animals, and I can honestly say Im pretty knowledgable for a guy who's never owned one. I kinda wish youd come in, even though you lived over by the North store. Its fun. Ive learned soooo much shit thier, about animals, retail, everything. Ive made some amazing friends, hell, I even had a crush at one point, who's now just a really good friend. Ive always thought Id be on the chopping block, mostly cuz I have no animal experience. Im so paranoid and stressed that its made me sick and think about quitting.

Thats when I remember, Teddy, you loved animals. Nature. Everything. What keeps me coming back is all the amazing people I know and all the great animals I help. Even if its just ringing up some food and shit bags, its in some way helping that animal. It gives me a good feeling to do something helpful for someone else. I should be so thankful as to have a job that has given me an education that was far better than a school and will help me in life.

A few weeks ago, a couple came in and walked around. Thought they looked familiar. Just chalked it up to my extreme drowsiness. As they walked out I noticed the guy had on one of the shirts from the memorial show. I got so sad. I felt a wave of lonliness, though all my friends were there. I missed you.

Theres so much going on now in my life its making me sick with worry. Money, jobs, women, friends, family, health, its so stressful. Yet not a day goes by that I dont think, hey, I bet Teddy knows a lot about this stuff.

I just dont know what to do anymore.

No one can accept peoples circumstances and shit, no one can get along, and nothing goes right anymore.

I hate this feeling. I have so many friends and yet, everyday I feel lonely cuz youre out of our lives, so many people prolly feel the same, but for me, its everyday. I know we werent best friends like you and Ryan were, and I cant imagine what he felt. I dont even wanna try. But something makes me feel this way. Like I said, its not even the winter yet and I already dont like going to work anymore. I feel the chilly air and smell the change in seasons, and I feel as though a part of me is gone.

I know one things for sure. Im afraid.

Im afraid to lose anyone. Everyone. Even some of my friends, like Bri, Kaitlyn, Amanda, Jon, people who I see all the time and hardly know anything about, Im afraid to lose. Whether it be by distance or by worlds like youve gone to, Im afraid of them leaving. Thats why Im always so fucking annoying and always talking. I always talk cuz I want everyone to know me, know as much about me as they can. And I try to keep things in mind when Im told them, this way I can remember details of thier lives. I know one thing is also scary to me is being forgotten. You saw how many people came to pay thier respects and honor your memory, I want that to. I want to be as good a person as you were, live life grand, and make an impact on all my friends lives.

I cant stand the thought of something happening to my friends. Hell, I didnt sleep for like 3 days right when you passed. Even some of my friends, who I barely hang with, I always go on and talk to them, try to make them feel better, try and be a good friend, listen, and help them out in any way I can. I always try to do the right thing, just so I can keep everyone together, closer, and with me. Ive always been a good friend to people, but I guess now it matters more than ever. I sit online and try to entertain and brighten up thier days, just to be the one to bring them some happiness in this shithole world.

I love all my friends dearly, and I cant stand to see them upset. I wish they all knew that Im always here to listen, and I will always try to help them. Some do, others I think havent opened up...its sad that they havent. Regardless of our history, I always will be a good friend to everyone.

I know thats what you did.

Anyway, its 1am, Im dead tired, and I have work early tomorrow. You know I cant say things like this without gettin teary eyed, stuttering, or being a total cornhole haha, so Ill type it from the heart.

I miss you dude. I wish you could be here with us all. I know everyone misses you. I wish I could be as good a person as you. I wish my friends that dont know me as well as chris and matt do would open up. I wish I could hang with you again dude. I know Im still fucked in the head, cuz even typing this, after almost a year, having to live with the fact youre gone is still heartbreaking, still tearing me up, still making me teary eyed, and still affecting me hard. I dunno what to do anymore. I've been trying to do the right thing, but Ive become so jaded... I can only hope to keep thinking positive, living life, and hoping that the people I care about, whether theyre my best friends of like 15 years or someone I met maybe 3 months ago from work and got to know better as time went on, that Im always there, my phones always on, and I will go out of my way to help.

I love ya dude, and I miss you a ton.

Hope youre relaxing.

-Reg

I Hate Being Sick

Sick again. Stomach virus. Cant keep much in my stomach before it uh...decides to come out.

So anyway, if I do go into work tomorrow, Im gonna be giving my boss a piece of my mind. Even the other managers are sick of her schedule meddling.

Everyone of my friends there is fucking miserable. Bri is sick and theyre harrassing her, they make Hope stay for like 8 hours, Mel and Amanda have paperwork that cant get done cuz the boss dont schedule in enough cashiers so they have to in addition to trying to make the quota for selling classes, other Amanda was on meds for a sliced open hand/finger and they still made her stay an extra 2 1/2 hours cuz they didnt schedule other people in.

Everyone is miserable, and yet Im the ONLY one who has the guts to say something to thier face. I dont blame everyone though. They NEED the job, whether it be to support a family, pay bills, or live themselves, they cant afford to lose it, so they go along with it grudgingly. I however dont need it. Im not paid enough to take thier shit. If I get fired, its not a big deal, I get another job and put down the old boss for a reference. Either way, Im gonna stand up to her cuz she shouldnt be doing this to people, especially when she knows she has power over them since we're all expendable now, considering she hired 7 new people.

As I said, I dont blame everyone for not saying anything. If I were in their situation where I needed 2 jobs to make a living and support myself, animals, pay rent, help friends, etc, Id be apprehensive about a certain confrontation.

But Im not living alone or with friends. I dont have animals to take care of. I dont pay any bills. Most of my friends consider me lucky that I have it easy. Its not all its cracked up to be. Im never gonna be any of the things I aspire for, and Im ok with this. But if I can make a small difference so that my friends at my store can have an easier time, able to be flexible for family, friends, school, other jobs, then Im willing to risk my job to bitch out my boss and tell her that its unfair to make people stay and put people on for when they dont have to be there, not tell them, and bitch them out. Its rediculous.

Anyway, I work 9-330 tomorrow. It may be my last time, if Im well enough to go in at all.

I can only hope to get her to see shes making everyone want to quit.

And I can only hope that I will be able to come in and see my friends and these wonderful animals in the future.

God help me.

Its Never Just 1 Thing, Is It?

Ok, so I didnt sleep well last night because my shoulder was fucked, and I ended up passing out and woke up with both hurting. It sucks. I go into work feeling like shit, and after about 5 or so minutes, walk to the bathroom and puke a little. Asked to go home because mom said she didnt feel good either. Great.

So havent been able to stay full today, been weak, cold, and stressing. And thats why.

Its not just the thing with the girl. Its never just 1 thing. At the same time, now that so much has changed at my store since I started there, Im pretty sure theyre thinking of weeding me out due to inefficiency and the fact that I dont come in for when they write down and dont tell me. My boss has to fuckin grill me when I say Im going to the doctors tomorrow and wont be in. For what? Why cant you come in? Will you have a note? Are you sure you cant come in?

Trust me, if I could fix the abundance of shit wrong with me, Id be makin bank.

So for those of you who know the situation, no it is not just about the whole girl thing. Its sooo much more.

My shoulder has been bothering me, as Ive mentioned before. The reason Im making a big deal about it is cuz of my dad, and all the shit he had to go through. And he's still not fully healed. Im scared. I dont wanna have problems like this. Im too goddamn young!

Also, since Ive been waiting to see when my bosses can me, Ive been searching for another job. I wouldnt WANT to get fired, I dont WANT to go somewhere else, not get paid as much, and not be able to see all my friends everyday. But if it comes down to it, I will have no regrets, and I will go out with dignity. I love all the great friends Ive made thier, employee and regular customers alike, but Im not gonna carry on like a kid if they want me gone.

I can only hope that if or when this happens, I wont fall out of contact with all the great people Ive made friends with there...

Not just that, but a combo of that and my shoulder too. My family isnt very rich. My dad is retired and Im the only one in the house with a paycheck coming in. If I needed something done for my shoulder, I dont know if we could afford it. Im fearing for my family too.

Plus, everyones bugging me to start my career. I dont have one anymore, as I stated last post.

On top of all of this, my stress has been getting to me. All the shit I have to deal with, and my stomach is in knots sometimes, but I just keep going, despite feeling like Im dying. I do it cuz I know my friends at work dont have enough people there to pick up my slack. Until Im physically sick, I keep going. Well, today that came to a halt. I have so much on my plate, I have no idea what to do. My parents can only be there to support me. I have to figure all this out on my own, and someone help me I hope I can make the right decisions. Whether it be leaving my job to get healthy and figure out what I wanna do with my life, or keep going until Im back in the hospital with a fuckin tube camera down my throat to see if Ive developed full blown ulcers.

I know not many of you out there can help, and I dont expect you to. I dont wanna leave my job because Im fucked up physically and mentally, I dont wanna waste my parents money and go back to college or get xrays that will put us in serious financial trouble, I dont wanna not be able to wake up every morning, put on those damn clothes, see all my great friends and thier animals.

Im not sure what the next few days will bring, but Im hollow inside. Everything is spinning fast, and I need to figure out how to stop it and what to do.

All I ask from you all, my dear friends, whom I will always love more than any material possesions, is for your support.

This isnt easy for me to write. Everyone knows Im a little fucked, but just how fucked, well, its serious. Ive been messed up since high school, fuck, prolly before then. I have a lot of problems, and Ive ended up losing friends due to it. I just need everyone to bear with me, let me get my head on straight, tie my shoes, and fucking get my life back on track.

Please, for me, just understand im not normal in any way. This is the way Ive been, and I need to do something about it.

God help me.

Round 2 for Venting

First off, this isnt about the girl I work with, or the other girl who works at a diff store, this is about all the bullshit I have to put up with and the fact that words are the only safe way for me to vent.

No one Im friends with is best friends with anyone else. Everyone hates each other. Fuck you all for not getting along for the sake of friendship and kindness.

Next up, I definately hate my boss. I went in to see if I started my shift at 5 or 530, and saw she had hand written me to work thursday. This was after I had asked her if this was the completed schedule and she said yes. So not only did she schedule me for a day I wasnt supposed to work, NO ONE FUCKING TOLD ME!

Tomorrow Im going to be having some words with her, and will not be showing up thurs, if at all if I get fired.

I hate how people bitch at me cuz I smoke. I FUCKING SMOKE AND DRINK SO FUCKING WHAT?! I dont bitch at anyone else cuz of thier weight, sex, whorishness, religion, what band they like, etc. I taught myself to live and let live.

I know smoking doesnt calm really, but it helps take my mind off of things, relax.

Yknow why Im always a miserable shit? I have so much pressure on me. I need to get a new car, figure out how to do my own banking and taxes, eventually move out, etc. In addition I dont have a career. Im too fucking stupid to be a teacher, Im not a good artist or musician. I have NOTHING! Im just a fuckin guy who does shit to get by. I need to make more money.

I asked one of my bosses what the qualifications to be put into petcare, which has more hours and better stuff. After listing them off, she turned around and said oh, and retention of knowledge, aka, you dont stand a fucking chance of getting that job.

So Im gonna be stuck as a fucking cashier in that place until I get fired or quit.

I love my job, and I love all the people I work with, but goddamn, you people assume you know me.

The other day when work was mad shitty and I was so busy I wanted to cry, my foot started hurting, causing me to limp. Now, Ive had foot problems since I was 11, and I get serious foot cramps which make me sit and massage my foot or my entire leg ends up cramping. In addition to this, my 3 sprained fingers are still acting up, and Im pretty sure I did something to my rotator cuff, which scares the shit out of me since my dads been through that shit and he hasnt been the same since.

So anyway, one of the girls in petcare said oh reg quit fucking faking it in front of me and a customer. I told her shouldnt you be bagging fish? I dont fake shit. I dont want sympathy or to have an excuse to not do something, I do all that I can and more. But it worries me that if I did do something to my shoulder or my feet are starting to act up, that I could be out of a job at 21 due to disability. And yes, Im assuming the worst, as that is usually the case.

I hate that everyone has such negative shit to say about everyone. I may have my dislikes of people, but I bitch and then let it go, cuz we're only fucking human.

I hate how people rarely talk to me outside my job. When I got introduced to everyone, that makes them a friend, not a coworker only.

I dunno, so much shit has gone on lately, I need to relax and take a vaca out of state.

We'll see tomorrow if Im gonna be employed or not to permit this.

Fuck It.

Since I know no one reads this fuckin thing, I can fuckin vent.

I have a HUGE fuckin crush on a girl at my work, and it drives me fuckin insane since I know she thinks im a fuckin creep, and I found out she likes someone else we work with, which could be fuckin anyone since shes bi. Goddamn I hate not knowing what to say or do. I try to get to know people, be a nice person, hell, even help people out, and nothing seems to at least get them to say, hey, this kids a nice guy. I mean, if I knew she wasnt interested in me at all and told me, Id get the fuck over it at least and ask if her and her friends wanted to just hang and grab a beer.

But I figure I have a chance, when I know in the tiniest part of the back of my head that she prolly knows someone who's friends with one of my ex's and was told all this bullshit that isnt true. Ive had a couple good friends from work tell me to look for someone else, but its not that simple for me. I have strange tastes, and its hard for me to find someone I actually like. I mean, most of my friends asked me how much meth i had to smoke after seeing my exs.

Finding someone who I like isnt as fucking easy as most people. I dont like those fuckin spoiled fucks, I dont like drama queens who think theyre the shit, and I HATE the fucks who have egos. I mean, it was fuckin 4 years since I found the last girl I liked, and she didnt have an interest, she told me straight up, and shes a good friend still. Honesty like that is what I appreciate. I got over it, fast, and shit, I helped hook her up with a job!

Im not like most other guys. They pretend to fuckin be interested in everything, going out of thier way to be the sweetest guy, fuck a girl until they get sick of her or find someone better and fuckin leave. I dont do hookups. I wait. Im a kind person. I always try to take an interest in shit other people like, thats how Ive become such an open and unique person.

Im a nice guy, with some anger issues, some violent thoughts, who loves every type of music out there, has many interests, and who always is kind, honest, and fun loving. Why the fuck cant I even get a fucking chance?

Is it cuz Im too 'real'? I dont censor myself, I dont put on a happy facade to please everyone, I dont agree with shit I honestly hate. Im my own person, I have my own likes and dislikes, Im not gonna be a different person for anyone. Censorship is a cancer.

Is it cuz Im not attractive? I know Im pretty ugly and fucking oddly shaped cuz Im OUT of shape, but Im not someone who wants looks to be perfect, for me or a lady.

Is it some random quirk? I dont fuck cuz I get reallt nervous, I need to get comfy, relax, known, and that can take months. My voice is fucking annoying even to me, so I always try to talk in a low raspy voice since I always think I sound like fozzy bear from the muppets. Im very self conscious about that and the fact that my right foot has to walk facing outward a bit or twisting it straight forward hurts up to my knee.

I have no talent, no skill, trade, intelligence, or anything. Nothing. Im not rich, Im not pretty, Im not sunshine and fucking butterflies. But Im kind. I listen, I care. Nowadays that doesnt mean much, but it means something to me.

Ive made a lot of mistakes in my life, and i have plenty of regrets. But right here, right now, once these fingers stop typing, the weight that has been lifted temporarily from typing this will come crashing on to my busted shoulders, and I will feel like shit, depressed, emotionless, hollow.

Now you know a bit more about me. I hope when you look at me, you see me as the fucking scum I am, and I hope you realize that this scum is better than any of the fucking pieces of shit out there.

Fuck it.

Fahkin Women

Ive never been any good with talking to women. Im as socially awkward as they come.

2 women occupy my mind. I really have no idea how to advance things here.

Fucking shit.

Everyone I Love Will Leave Me

And I will be alone.

My heart has expanded, another girl has joined in the fruitless search for the one to be with.

Each day and night I ponder if Im even a speck worthy of thier glimpse, or if Im nothing more than some guy who they know. My heart beats quickly, then drops as I realize my life is boring and they both have things aplenty to do in thier lives while I sit around nursing hurt feelings and a fucked up foot and shoulder.

I wish they would notice me. Im a sweet person, and I give everyone chances...

Latest

Starcraft 2 rules.

Downloading Superior Drummer 2.0. Programming will no longer be a chore.

Finally inspired to draw. Thank you Kane And Lynch.

Going to be finally doing something.

Music too.

Ill update later, I have much to do today.

Fuck The "Scene"

Today, the shit hit the fan.

2 local promoters were arguing. I stayed quiet cuz it wasnt my business.

However, today, everyone who loves music and local bands was dragged into it.

One promoter, Dave created a fan page of the other promoter, Richie, very childish, and tried to smear his name.

Now, the entire argument was because one so called "christian" band, forever the fallen, wanted thier guarentee, and Richie, whom was not running the show, just advertising, said to talk to the person who ran it.

Now, I usually would stay out of it, but like I said in previous posts, Im sick of sugar-coating things.

Now, Ive been in the local "scene" since I was a junior in high school, thats 2006 for those who didnt know. Ive always tried to be a nice guy, a good helper to bands, helpin them move shit regardless if I was a fan or not, and always let people bum smokes off me.

But today, I lost respect for it all. For the people I thought were better than this, for the fucking bands I thought had thier shit together, and for "local hardcore scene" altogether.

Now, let me say this. Ive taken plenty of screenshots of some of the RETARDED ASS THINGS that people have said today. Mostly the blind following of Im thirsty, New England Concerts, whatever the fuck they are. Apparently, basement shows arent real shows. Well, if thats the case, then The_Network isnt a real band. Black Market Activities, the label theyre signed to, isnt a real label, which makes The Red Chord, who's vocalist runs the label, not a real band, which makes Metal Blade Records, not a real label.

Do you see where Im going with this? A show doesnt have to be about fucking money or respect. Ive played shows for 2 people, and 20 people, and each one I played with my whole heart and have always had a blast.

Next up is the fact that forever the fallen wanted a guarentee. Let me say this.

YOURE A FUCKING LOCAL BAND!

Unless you've gone on tour, unless you have physical cds to sell, not fucking itunes, and unless you have to put hard work into it, then you dont deserve a fucking dime. Apparently, money=faith with this band, since they want money every show. Well, Ive had friends bands, who're much bigger and more well known, play for jack shit, and done it out of the love of playing. You cant demand money and call yourself a christian, then act like a fucking child on facebook. The only reason these fucks play shows is cuz Dave books them on it cuz he manages them, so they dont have to sell tickets or advertise. Thier mommies and daddies pay for thier "christian" band and they get your hard earned money. Ive played shows where I advertised the shit out of it, since I was the only one who GAVE A SHIT! No one else except my buddy Josh Quicksilver helped advertise. I ended up paying out of my own hard earned money from working labor jobs with my buddy who was living in his car at the time to play, and I opened the show to a bunch of drunks and losers. And I had fun. I did what I came there to do, and that was perform. If you have to want money so bad, and threaten people who dont agree with you, when you get onstage, youre lying to people who actually believe in religion. You cant call yourself a good fucking christian band when youre greedy and fucking pompous.

And if you wanna comment how my music sucks, yeah, thats a given, since it was all demos I played with haha.

Anyway, continuing this shit, HiveSmasher and DBB just got back from a long weekend tour, and they dont get paid very much. They arent trying to get on summer slaughter and get signed to fucking relapse and get to sit with jamie fucking jasta, music is what they want to do for a living, theyre trying to make a living.

Now, as for shows themselves, everyone at im thirsty is so quick to spew out lines like WELL IF IT WASNT FOR DAVE ACACIA WOULDNT HAVE PLAYED CUZ THEY ASKED FOR 2 GRAND!

NO SHIT FAGGOT! They've toured internationally, theyve played all over, sold THOUSANDS of albums. If I was in a band that big, and that was ALL i did like they do, Id want to make a living wage off it too.

What pisses me off is how people bitch about tickets. Pay to play sucks dick. Sometimes its a neccesary evil, but when youre selling 30 tickets to a fucking local bands cd release when all theyre doing is putting it on itunes, Id rather eat my weight in poisonous fish. Asking bands for $250 UP FRONT and to sell 75 tickets per band for 5 local bands (thats more than 300 people max limit) someones losing money.

Now, Ive seen plenty of retarded arguments in the scene, but NOTHING has disgusted me more than everything I saw today.

I saw people making valid points, only to be interuppted with YOUR A PUSSY, FIGHT ME!

This scene shit disgusts me. Theres a reason I love grind, I love metal, I love heavy as shit music, because if I didnt have that, today I would have busted a window. Some of the things I read today filled my head with such FUCK that I ended up with a pounding headache.

Promoters, kids who work for em, threatening and acting like little kids to everyone. Its pathetic. Fucking pathetic.

Also, the fact that all the bands that were made fun of at one point had to play at rockos and now theyre dissing them, even though they made them money and fans, is hypocritical at best.

Theres a reason kids dont come to shows. Its not cuz the place looks like shit. You can renovate rockos all you want, the reason the "fans" broke stuff is 1-cuz you book all mosh bands and 2-because you fucking throw people out and gve them shit for wearing a band who you have a beef withs merch, so they decide to fuck things up. Thats the reason rockos is bound for failure, is because you cant just let shit go, you gotta harass your paying customers with HEY, TAKE OFF THAT BANDS SHIRT OR YOURE OUTTA HERE!

Thats the reason Richie's shows are going to be better. Back in the day, everyones memories were with August Burns Red and The Number Twelve when he booked them, not Forever the fallen and other shitty local rockos bands.

Rockos is the only venue that has a bad rep for bands. You dont hear of a ground zero band or a legion band, just rockos bands, which are shitty 12 year olds like Enemy and FTF who play chugs and predictable parts. NOT SONGS, PARTS!

There is a reason I rarely go to shows, and its not cuz Im not allowed or cuz Im a spoiled brat. Anyone who's ever had to pay bills or support a family knows the sacrifices you have to make. I make mine on shows. I have to help my family out, I have to save for a car before the one I drive dies, I have things that come first. If I have enough money, Id rather see 5 bands I know the members of and hang with in a dank, acrid smoke-filled basement that looks like something out of an Al Quada execution video than see 10 bands for nearly 3 days food, with shitty people, shitty bands, shitty service, and a bunch of gang members as security.

Ive become so jaded to everything. I dont judge a band based on how many brutal breakdowns they have, I judge based on musical talent, the lyrics, the guitar, the drums, EVERYTHING. And if I dont like em, I dont heckle them, I dont tell them they suck, I say Good Job and help them move shit, I hang with em. I dont expect people to like the demos I played with, but goddamn was I surprised when Highfire Skyline said it was sweet, and to def play shows with my buds in HiveSmasher if I got full shit done. For those that dont know, highfire skyline is a pop punk band, hivesmasher is grind/metal. It doesnt have to be about genres. Id rather see multiple bands of different genres than all the same band with the same faggy haircuts and different chugs night after night.

This isnt about makign money, selling tickets, etc. Its about a concert company acting like a bunch of fucking kids, telling people theyre fucking stupid for what they believe, putting up childish pages on facebook, and acting like tough guys. Everyone knows Im a huge pussy and Im not afraid to admit it. So the tough guy thing doesnt work on me. Bands respect is earned, not bought. You can play all the shows in the world and get your fucking money after saying you dont need it cuz you have god on your side, and that STILL wont make you a good band.

If you wanna know why I dont go to shows, heres some snaps.

Mack makes some sense of things.

Aaron hits the nail on the head.

Professionalism part 1

Sean makes a point, Im thirsty worker responds. Very "christian" of FTF.

Im thirsty worker, from a christian band, dissing a christian place? (BTW, Ive played ground zero several times, the people are very nice.)

Again, Sean admits that bands progressed, and yet Im thirsty workers continue to be kids.

Im thirsty staff being tough guys to a kid who has no intention of fighting.

Only for him since its his profile that he started the argument on.

Im thirsty workers proving only shows that cost money and have breakdowns at bars constitute as shows. (sarcasm)

Mack again, makes valid points.

Family joins the fight against kids speaking thier minds.

Too late for that.

Im pretty sure they and you did.

Puttin the blame on someone who doesnt control everyone like a hivemind.

Im thirsty worker and "christian" making fun of a 16 year old. Very christian-like.

Fuck the scene, fuck hardcore.

I know Ive made plenty of enemies with this, and I could care less. You want respect and to be taken seriously, you should stop acting like fucking kids with the facebook shit.

Oh, and before you go on spewing how I took screenshots of this whole thing and archived it on my computer, its to show everyone how fucking pathetic Im thirsty, the show scene, and the mindless "hardcore" drones are.

Valid points arent listened to, since everyone wants to have the biggest E peen by telling everyone theyre wrong for stating the truth. Truth hurts asshole.

Fuck hardcore, Ill stick to grind thanks. At least everyone gets along for the sake of it.

The World As We Know It

I honestly believe, and can finally admit openly, that I have become jaded to everything in this world.

I see corruption everywhere I go, I see hatred and unkindness, cruelty, greed, egos, selfishness.

Its sickening, yet I hold back the vomit and press onward each day, supressing every desire to continuously beat the shit out of people.

I have no problem telling people how it is. Being honest and true. Yet, again, because the world is this way, even though Im right, people will still defend themselves with invalid points and useless arguings.

Everyday I wake up and try to think positive. I try and say, hey, today is gonna be different, Im gonna do some good, and within 15 minutes of me getting up out of bed, my ass is already waiting for the day to be over.

Ive come a long way. Many of my good friends have seen me at my lowest, massively underweight, sick as a dog, and close to a complete mental and physical breakdown. And if it wasnt for these dicks stickin by me and telling me, shit sucks, but only you can make it better, Id be in the grave. I now have a very great job. Yes I bitch about it, but who doesnt bitch about thier job? I have amazing friends. I get to do exactly what I want, which, at the moment, is relax, play games, enjoy life.

But everyday Im constantly bombarded with news, talks, eavesdrops, etc of all the terrible things in this world. Previous owners of the animals I pet everyday beating and starving them, friends I know constantly arguing and at each others throats.

Im fucking sick of it.

Everyone who is reading this most likely knows a bit about me. Hopefully its what you know from me, not from one of my ex cunts. Everyone knows Im a nice guy, Im easy to get along with, and Im always a fun dude. Im friends with everyone, even if they hate each other.

Well, Im sick of this shit. Im sick of all the fucking egos. Im sick of hard working people getting fucked because people with egos and think they should be ahead of everyone want money and glory for themselves. Last time I checked, you've only paid your dues when you get signed by a major label and have a cd in best buy or newbury comics.

Im fucking done being the nice fucking dude and trying to please everyone and make everything go alright, compromising to the point of me ending up losing out on everything. Fuck that.

Im a real human being who is just trying to earn my place in the world. I havent done so, so I dont expect special treatment. I dont expect shortcuts, taking the long way and doing things right is twice as rewarding.

I may be friends with you all, but Im a real person. Ive opened my eyes and unveiled the world for the shithole of a rock it really is. When you ask for honesty, I will be blunt and truthful. I wont beat around the bush to keep things together. This is real life, and sometimes YOU have to make compromises just as I do.

This is the world as we know it. This is me. Im honest and truthfully sorry to offend you all, but fuck yourself if you think youre better than someone. You're not. The only way you have more money and more influence is because of circumstance.

Get real faggot.

Long Rant Is Looooooooong

So this morning, its very early for me, around 9am. Ive been up since 7am since the rednecks behind us decided to go in the pool and scream and argue. At 7am. Right off the bat I hope all the fat fucks drown.

Cut to work. The 0 key on my register sticks sometimes, so this time it stuck and rang up as $200.03 instead of $20.03. I asked if we needed to key it in, forgetting he gave me 3 cents to give him a 5, so i hand him $4.97. He goes "What the fuck are you doing? I gave you 3 cents!" I wasnt thinking, it being early in the morning. I said "Oh Im sorry." and gave him his 5. He begins walking out, and goes, "Jesus, where the fuck did you go, vocational school?" not registering what he said, I replied, "No, community college." The guy behind him, who was very nice, laughed at the old guy. As soon as the nice man left, it registered what had just happened, and I wanted to murder the everloving fuck out of that old piece of shit. Had I actually caught what he said, I would have replied, and gotten fired for, saying "are those dentures or real teeth, cuz youre about to fucking eat them in 3 seconds"

Needless to say, I raged all day at work, being extra nice to customers, since thats my fucking job.

I know theres fucking assholes in the world. Im one of em. But when Im an all around nice guy, and am being courteous, making human errors, and apologizing and doing my best to rectify the situation, I dont need the fucking attitude. If the boss who's not usually a bitch to me wasnt standing 2 aisles over, having ironically, not heard any of this, I would definately have said something, gotten in trouble, etc. But this isnt the first time shit has gotten to me at work so bad.

Before, we were having a huge 4 day sale. A man came over and asked why the prices of his items were not like in the magazine. I told him politely that the size of the bag and the flavor of the cat food wasnt the one on sale, and if he'd like, he can go grab those. He balled up a fist and proceeded to complain about the price. I cant do much, since Im stuck as a part time cashier, I cant change prices, I can just call a manager, ironically, shed be a bitch and Id get shit from the customer for it. So as a long line forms behind him and Im the only cashier (as usual) on duty, he says "Ill just go grab another one then" He puts the bag down and I begin ringing in a new customer. When the line is finished, I notice that the bag he left behind me on the floor was gone. He stole a $50 bag of animal food because he couldnt get the fucking sale, since his chosen bag wasnt one on sale.

It bothered me all day and all weekend. I was so pissed that I let someone get away, yet, thinking this through, if I hadf tried to stop him, since he was about 6 foot 3, and had prolly 100 or so pounds on me, would've fucked me up.

I shouldnt have to go into work worrying if a customer is gonna take a swing at me or if theyre gonna come back and harass me as I try and do my job. I shouldnt have to fucking worry about my bosses blaming me for everything when Im the ONLY person at the front most of the time, and getting bitched at cuz they take thier fucking time getting to the front to help me out with things because theyre too fucking busy chatting in the office. Me and my coworkers do hard work. I cant speak for them, but I always give as much effort and kindness, even if Im in a shit mood and faking it, Im always courteous, and always, ALWAYS try and do the best job I can do, yet I get bitched at because I made a human error, such as accidentally giving 3 cents less change or being the only person on a register with a line halfway down the fucking store. People from petcare and GROOMING of all places shouldnt have to drop what theyre doing to relieve this line because my bosses are all having coffee and donuts out back. When I call twice, its kinda important. When the first and LAST people in line hear my voice on the intercom 7 times and still have nothing, then its fucking pathetic.

If I could get any job that pays good and lets me go to shows and be myself like this one, Id fucking be there. But I cant, so Im stuck in a thankless rut, as the bottom fucking rung, and my only saving grace is I get to see all the other animals people have and I cant have.

Life isnt fucking fair, but everyone gets a break once in a while. Where the fuck is mine?

Eyes Slightly Opened

So after reading a great letter/email/article on metalsucks from the vocalist of Trap Them, Ive been inspired to continue writing some music.

Ive been workin non stop a lot lately, and getting bitched at from everyone for very retarded reasons. Oh well, I know Im a good employee and Im always kind even when customers are rude to me cuz I know its right. Get more with honey than vinegar.

So Im pretty excited about a lot of happenings. The local gaming store I frequent is moving over and remodelling, Im happy to help since the owner and his family, quite good friends of mine, are very kind and have always helped me out with stuff. Im finally cleaning the living room. Which is VERY big news since its a fucking trainwreck hahaha. Im happy to be hanging with mature people finally, feeling more adult, despite my dad being half a century old and acting like a little fucking kid.

In addition, I must say, I am a bit worried. As much good as this is all going, a lot of new things are happening that are kinda scary. My best friend Matt is getting married Sept. 25th, then going to the Navy. His brother, my other best friend, Chris, well, he needs work, and I dont think its right that fucking faggots I know have jobs when they act like theyre better than everyone, yet he gives 200% at whatever he does and he doesnt get shit. At the same time, I wanna continue having a great summer and all, but I have to think about getting a new job, just in case Im fired, or a 2nd job so I can afford a new car. Im not lookin for a 2010 model, something not 16 years old like mine.

As much as I know my friends are there for me, my family, and that I live a very social, fun, and, to my dismay, easy life compared to my friends, I've never felt more alone, outcasted, and far from normality than in high school.

I guess I need to worry about the future, since its always uncertain, and as much as I wanna have a career that I like, and wont dread waking up every morning for, I need to find my niche in life. I dont think mine is a good one either. Or at least one I can live independently for.

Well, time to write. I have plenty of ideas brewing, maybe i should just write shit down or type it up and see what I come out with instead of trying to force my creative "muse" to work for me.

See ya round.