So havent been able to stay full today, been weak, cold, and stressing. And thats why.
Its not just the thing with the girl. Its never just 1 thing. At the same time, now that so much has changed at my store since I started there, Im pretty sure theyre thinking of weeding me out due to inefficiency and the fact that I dont come in for when they write down and dont tell me. My boss has to fuckin grill me when I say Im going to the doctors tomorrow and wont be in. For what? Why cant you come in? Will you have a note? Are you sure you cant come in?
Trust me, if I could fix the abundance of shit wrong with me, Id be makin bank.
So for those of you who know the situation, no it is not just about the whole girl thing. Its sooo much more.
My shoulder has been bothering me, as Ive mentioned before. The reason Im making a big deal about it is cuz of my dad, and all the shit he had to go through. And he's still not fully healed. Im scared. I dont wanna have problems like this. Im too goddamn young!
Also, since Ive been waiting to see when my bosses can me, Ive been searching for another job. I wouldnt WANT to get fired, I dont WANT to go somewhere else, not get paid as much, and not be able to see all my friends everyday. But if it comes down to it, I will have no regrets, and I will go out with dignity. I love all the great friends Ive made thier, employee and regular customers alike, but Im not gonna carry on like a kid if they want me gone.
I can only hope that if or when this happens, I wont fall out of contact with all the great people Ive made friends with there...
Not just that, but a combo of that and my shoulder too. My family isnt very rich. My dad is retired and Im the only one in the house with a paycheck coming in. If I needed something done for my shoulder, I dont know if we could afford it. Im fearing for my family too.
Plus, everyones bugging me to start my career. I dont have one anymore, as I stated last post.
On top of all of this, my stress has been getting to me. All the shit I have to deal with, and my stomach is in knots sometimes, but I just keep going, despite feeling like Im dying. I do it cuz I know my friends at work dont have enough people there to pick up my slack. Until Im physically sick, I keep going. Well, today that came to a halt. I have so much on my plate, I have no idea what to do. My parents can only be there to support me. I have to figure all this out on my own, and someone help me I hope I can make the right decisions. Whether it be leaving my job to get healthy and figure out what I wanna do with my life, or keep going until Im back in the hospital with a fuckin tube camera down my throat to see if Ive developed full blown ulcers.
I know not many of you out there can help, and I dont expect you to. I dont wanna leave my job because Im fucked up physically and mentally, I dont wanna waste my parents money and go back to college or get xrays that will put us in serious financial trouble, I dont wanna not be able to wake up every morning, put on those damn clothes, see all my great friends and thier animals.
Im not sure what the next few days will bring, but Im hollow inside. Everything is spinning fast, and I need to figure out how to stop it and what to do.
All I ask from you all, my dear friends, whom I will always love more than any material possesions, is for your support.
This isnt easy for me to write. Everyone knows Im a little fucked, but just how fucked, well, its serious. Ive been messed up since high school, fuck, prolly before then. I have a lot of problems, and Ive ended up losing friends due to it. I just need everyone to bear with me, let me get my head on straight, tie my shoes, and fucking get my life back on track.
Please, for me, just understand im not normal in any way. This is the way Ive been, and I need to do something about it.
God help me.
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