Fuck It.

Since I know no one reads this fuckin thing, I can fuckin vent.

I have a HUGE fuckin crush on a girl at my work, and it drives me fuckin insane since I know she thinks im a fuckin creep, and I found out she likes someone else we work with, which could be fuckin anyone since shes bi. Goddamn I hate not knowing what to say or do. I try to get to know people, be a nice person, hell, even help people out, and nothing seems to at least get them to say, hey, this kids a nice guy. I mean, if I knew she wasnt interested in me at all and told me, Id get the fuck over it at least and ask if her and her friends wanted to just hang and grab a beer.

But I figure I have a chance, when I know in the tiniest part of the back of my head that she prolly knows someone who's friends with one of my ex's and was told all this bullshit that isnt true. Ive had a couple good friends from work tell me to look for someone else, but its not that simple for me. I have strange tastes, and its hard for me to find someone I actually like. I mean, most of my friends asked me how much meth i had to smoke after seeing my exs.

Finding someone who I like isnt as fucking easy as most people. I dont like those fuckin spoiled fucks, I dont like drama queens who think theyre the shit, and I HATE the fucks who have egos. I mean, it was fuckin 4 years since I found the last girl I liked, and she didnt have an interest, she told me straight up, and shes a good friend still. Honesty like that is what I appreciate. I got over it, fast, and shit, I helped hook her up with a job!

Im not like most other guys. They pretend to fuckin be interested in everything, going out of thier way to be the sweetest guy, fuck a girl until they get sick of her or find someone better and fuckin leave. I dont do hookups. I wait. Im a kind person. I always try to take an interest in shit other people like, thats how Ive become such an open and unique person.

Im a nice guy, with some anger issues, some violent thoughts, who loves every type of music out there, has many interests, and who always is kind, honest, and fun loving. Why the fuck cant I even get a fucking chance?

Is it cuz Im too 'real'? I dont censor myself, I dont put on a happy facade to please everyone, I dont agree with shit I honestly hate. Im my own person, I have my own likes and dislikes, Im not gonna be a different person for anyone. Censorship is a cancer.

Is it cuz Im not attractive? I know Im pretty ugly and fucking oddly shaped cuz Im OUT of shape, but Im not someone who wants looks to be perfect, for me or a lady.

Is it some random quirk? I dont fuck cuz I get reallt nervous, I need to get comfy, relax, known, and that can take months. My voice is fucking annoying even to me, so I always try to talk in a low raspy voice since I always think I sound like fozzy bear from the muppets. Im very self conscious about that and the fact that my right foot has to walk facing outward a bit or twisting it straight forward hurts up to my knee.

I have no talent, no skill, trade, intelligence, or anything. Nothing. Im not rich, Im not pretty, Im not sunshine and fucking butterflies. But Im kind. I listen, I care. Nowadays that doesnt mean much, but it means something to me.

Ive made a lot of mistakes in my life, and i have plenty of regrets. But right here, right now, once these fingers stop typing, the weight that has been lifted temporarily from typing this will come crashing on to my busted shoulders, and I will feel like shit, depressed, emotionless, hollow.

Now you know a bit more about me. I hope when you look at me, you see me as the fucking scum I am, and I hope you realize that this scum is better than any of the fucking pieces of shit out there.

Fuck it.