1 Long, Painful, Hard Fucking Year

Its been a whole year. 1 whole year. 365 days since you passed away, and not a single day goes by that it doesnt tear at me.

It hasnt been easy on me.

I may not have known you like many other people did, but that doesnt make it any easier to feel better. Someone so young and who had something to live for, a purpose, a calling, taken from everyone.

I am not someone who deals with certain things very well. Death and grief is one of them. I cant accept mortality, seeing the young taken in thier prime. Its too much for me to bear.

I have a job working with animals, Im so thankful for it, Im on track to being responsible and paying my own way through life slowly, Im making and have made some amazing friends everywhere, in music, art, college, work, conventions, gatherings, parties, everywhere. I couldnt be more fucking thankful.

But that didnt make today any easier.

While the world cant stop for a day just cuz a measly handful of people are grieving, I did. My entire body shut down. I slept most of the day, depsite the fact its my moms birthday, and I wanted to spend the day with her, having fun. I slept when I got home, I left to go see my best friend as she had a visitor with greyhounds, which was hard for both of us since a dog hadnt been in her house for almost 2 years, and then I came home and slept.

I didnt get to hang with my mom, I didnt get to have a fun day and enjoy it. I slept cuz I couldnt stand being awake. I couldnt. It was too hard for me to think that such a young and caring person was taken so quickly. Its wrong.

Thats why I can say Im a horrible person. I have to question God, why the fuck would someone so caring and young be needed? What part of His plan is that, for a young man to be pulled from this world without reason?

Ive become so jaded.

Im not a nice person, though I always try to be. I have a sick and twisted mind, and a heart filled with hate. I dont have anything to live for. Im not going to be some famous and life changing musician, Im not gonna be a huge genre defining artist, I dont have the patience to go back to college, which is why I dropped out in the first place, and be a teacher, and I wont be anything special. Yet he was taken, not me. He had the skills, the knowledge, the motivation to do something good and beneficial for people.

And hes gone. And Im still here. And there isnt a single thing right about it.

I have always tried to do my best at everything I do, and have always tried to be helpful, but Ive seen and been through a lot, definately not as much as most of my friends, but I know enough to be a negative, spiteful, ruthless motherfucker. I have a lot of problems, mostly in my head, and I dont think there will ever be a day when I can overcome those problems, but as long as my friends can understand that everything is hard for me, every day is a struggle to get through sane and happy, and that every second is a fucking hell that I bear and live through, just to help other people and make thier lives better, then I can die happy.

Everyone, thank you. Chris, matt, geoff, ken, jess, robyn, ed, sami, krystina, tara, erin, amanda, jen, lauren, aaron, lauren, tim, steve, brian, nate, kittie, ryan, josh, sean, and everyone else who Im too lazy to type, literally everyone, thank you.

I may be an annoying, hopeless, insane piece of shit, but Im glad you all can understand and have the patience to put up with me on a daily basis.

Im sorry I couldnt be a better friend Teddy.

Im sorry I couldnt be a better son mom.

RIP.

Happy Birthday.

-Reg