A Prayer Or Two

I usually dont say much about my faith. I usually dont pray much either. Especially as of late, with all the sickening things that have gone on and will continue to happen, its hard for me to be a 'believer' sometimes.

But tonite, even when hanging with all my friends, I was bummed. A lot is happening, and for once, it isnt to me.

The castle has financial issues, ones Im hoping my small effort can help correct.

AAC is in like a week and Im pretty sure Im literally working and then not hanging with anyone the whole time. Wish I had money and some more friends to hang with, but at the moment, things would be very awkward for me...

Kaitlyns dog is pregnant. And she was vaccinated while pregnant. The puppies may not make it. And if they do, where to house them. And if something happens to the mother or the puppies, how much of a toll will that take on everyone?

Various happenings with friends. Some are bummed, some are unemployed, some are just flat out puzzling to me, and refuse to open up. Ironically, this gives me a refreshing look on how good I have it.

If my friends would just let me help them, talk to me, hell, SOMETHING, maybe they would feel better. Maybe my small part, just listening, let alone trying to help, would make them feel better knowing they have someone there to help and not judge or say whatever.

I always wondered why anyone, and I mean ANYONE is friends with me. Im rude, annoying, etc etc etc with the self loathing, but I do care. Everyone in life has a purpose, maybe this is mine, my small part is to fruitlessly try to help people I care about, make them hate me somehow by helping, and live in solitude.

Im sure once a lot of people get to know me more intimately, theyd see I am a monster, but one who at least gives a fuck about how they feel and what they have to say.

Ive clearly given up on doing anything good for this world, making something of myself, but I havent given up being everyones best friend, the go-to guy, the one you can count on to listen and help, or at the very least try.

Its fucking aggrivating sometimes when being there for someone is basically like being the rain; people curse it despite its neccesity.

So all in all, even though so much is wrong lately, I find myself thinking, praying, that things go right. Not for me, for everyone else.

I pray that my friends get the money they need to keep living, I pray that my friends dog has healthy puppies and they are able to find good homes for them, I pray that the rest of my friends would open up and talk to me, shoot me a text sometimes, and say hey, Im doin better, thanks for listening.

A thankless job indeed, but Id rather help for nothing than make matters worse for something.

Just wanted to let you all know, you mean a lot to me. I know some of you may not even think this means you, but it does. Everyone I know and talk to means something to me, and I hope that more people can open up and let me at least listen.

Im always a text or call away, since my phone is never off and Im online like 24/7.

Thanks.