Teddy

Where to begin...

It hasnt even been a full year yet and I miss you every day.

I still remember seein you and giving you a hug. Been ages since I did. I wanted to hang with you at Bury Your Dead/Throwdown, but unfortunately, thats the last time I saw you.

Ive never cried harder than when I went to your memorial service. Ive never seen so many people, I knew, I didnt know, everyone, who was there for you. So many people, whether they were friends or not came together for you. Even more to came jam at your memorial show.

I can only hope to have as big an impact on so many lives like you did to everyone. I can only hope that everyone will put aside thier differences to come hang one last time.

And yet, thats why Im typing this now.

None of my friends like most of my other friends. Its like I have a fuckin astroid belt of friends, some collide, others go together. No one likes one another. Theyve all made that perfectly clear. I dont know what to do. They hate each other for the stupidest reasons, most of which I can understand and relate to. Id be a fuckin hypocrite if I said I wasnt like that, I am, and I expect the same amount of disappointment from my friends, no matter what reasons I give to justify it with.

I dont think its fair. My friends are so focused on things I see as petty, and they complain how its wrong what theyre doing, etc, yet I can relate to the ones they dont like cuz Ive been in that situation, both sides. Ive gotten fucked over so many times youd think I was trying to date Enron. It sucks.

I got a job at Petsmart haha. Started in Feb. I been doing good. Ive learned so much stuff about animals, and I can honestly say Im pretty knowledgable for a guy who's never owned one. I kinda wish youd come in, even though you lived over by the North store. Its fun. Ive learned soooo much shit thier, about animals, retail, everything. Ive made some amazing friends, hell, I even had a crush at one point, who's now just a really good friend. Ive always thought Id be on the chopping block, mostly cuz I have no animal experience. Im so paranoid and stressed that its made me sick and think about quitting.

Thats when I remember, Teddy, you loved animals. Nature. Everything. What keeps me coming back is all the amazing people I know and all the great animals I help. Even if its just ringing up some food and shit bags, its in some way helping that animal. It gives me a good feeling to do something helpful for someone else. I should be so thankful as to have a job that has given me an education that was far better than a school and will help me in life.

A few weeks ago, a couple came in and walked around. Thought they looked familiar. Just chalked it up to my extreme drowsiness. As they walked out I noticed the guy had on one of the shirts from the memorial show. I got so sad. I felt a wave of lonliness, though all my friends were there. I missed you.

Theres so much going on now in my life its making me sick with worry. Money, jobs, women, friends, family, health, its so stressful. Yet not a day goes by that I dont think, hey, I bet Teddy knows a lot about this stuff.

I just dont know what to do anymore.

No one can accept peoples circumstances and shit, no one can get along, and nothing goes right anymore.

I hate this feeling. I have so many friends and yet, everyday I feel lonely cuz youre out of our lives, so many people prolly feel the same, but for me, its everyday. I know we werent best friends like you and Ryan were, and I cant imagine what he felt. I dont even wanna try. But something makes me feel this way. Like I said, its not even the winter yet and I already dont like going to work anymore. I feel the chilly air and smell the change in seasons, and I feel as though a part of me is gone.

I know one things for sure. Im afraid.

Im afraid to lose anyone. Everyone. Even some of my friends, like Bri, Kaitlyn, Amanda, Jon, people who I see all the time and hardly know anything about, Im afraid to lose. Whether it be by distance or by worlds like youve gone to, Im afraid of them leaving. Thats why Im always so fucking annoying and always talking. I always talk cuz I want everyone to know me, know as much about me as they can. And I try to keep things in mind when Im told them, this way I can remember details of thier lives. I know one thing is also scary to me is being forgotten. You saw how many people came to pay thier respects and honor your memory, I want that to. I want to be as good a person as you were, live life grand, and make an impact on all my friends lives.

I cant stand the thought of something happening to my friends. Hell, I didnt sleep for like 3 days right when you passed. Even some of my friends, who I barely hang with, I always go on and talk to them, try to make them feel better, try and be a good friend, listen, and help them out in any way I can. I always try to do the right thing, just so I can keep everyone together, closer, and with me. Ive always been a good friend to people, but I guess now it matters more than ever. I sit online and try to entertain and brighten up thier days, just to be the one to bring them some happiness in this shithole world.

I love all my friends dearly, and I cant stand to see them upset. I wish they all knew that Im always here to listen, and I will always try to help them. Some do, others I think havent opened up...its sad that they havent. Regardless of our history, I always will be a good friend to everyone.

I know thats what you did.

Anyway, its 1am, Im dead tired, and I have work early tomorrow. You know I cant say things like this without gettin teary eyed, stuttering, or being a total cornhole haha, so Ill type it from the heart.

I miss you dude. I wish you could be here with us all. I know everyone misses you. I wish I could be as good a person as you. I wish my friends that dont know me as well as chris and matt do would open up. I wish I could hang with you again dude. I know Im still fucked in the head, cuz even typing this, after almost a year, having to live with the fact youre gone is still heartbreaking, still tearing me up, still making me teary eyed, and still affecting me hard. I dunno what to do anymore. I've been trying to do the right thing, but Ive become so jaded... I can only hope to keep thinking positive, living life, and hoping that the people I care about, whether theyre my best friends of like 15 years or someone I met maybe 3 months ago from work and got to know better as time went on, that Im always there, my phones always on, and I will go out of my way to help.

I love ya dude, and I miss you a ton.

Hope youre relaxing.

-Reg