Why I dont celebrate holidays

Well, since people keep asking me why Im recording with Chris instead of going to church and hanging with my family, I might as well post this.

I hate holidays. Any and all of them. They are a pointless marketing ploy. Theyre filled with greed and sadness.

Im recording and not celebrating easter because its like thanksgiving, you have to have something to appreciate and be thankful for. I have nothing to be thankful for. Im not in good health, Im always bitter, Im getting treated like shit all the fucking time at work, and I cant ever catch a desperately needed break, especially when Im on meds for this reason. I hate so many people and things, I hate dealing with these egotistical fucks I work with who know nothing about thier fucking job and who think theyre the god of the store, and I cant stand living in this world.

When I had sever depression in highschool, I used to have suicidal thoughts. Shit like, would it really fucking matter if I was dead? Other than the huge hole in my parents wallets for sticking my ass in the ground, what would fucking matter? Honestly, I thought about these things. I still do. I cant see much changing except half the world having one less name on thier fucking tongues to bitch about. One less person to clog up their minds and one less person to have do thier jobs.

I see christmas as useless. Its all greed and money. My parents always say itll get smaller this year. I tell them to get me a card, a shirt, some pants and socks. thats all I need. Anything I want, I will work hard for. Thats what we all do anyway isnt it?

As for religion, I have no idea. I dont even know anything anymore. I dont know what to believe. All the suffering I have to go through, just to go to the next level of shit, and yet once in a very long while, Im talking decades so far, theres something that happens that keeps me binded to my faith. I dont know what to believe or what I believe anymore.

All I know is, I hate holidays, Im bitter, jaded, and always angry, and I hate. I hate and hate and hate. Ive given up on loving cuz it just ends the same with me. Hatred.

I can only hope for a quick end, cuz I cant fucking stand being around these fucking useless people anymore. They make me fucking sick. I wish they would just fucking fade away. I cant stand dealing with these fucking kids and thier little whiny bullshit. In the end, everyone always sees, wow, reg had a point about this.

I know. Cuz I know people. I tend to think like them sometimes. Hard to believe I can be human sometimes, I know, but I dont just say things to hear myself speak.

Anxiety

It sucks. It isn't just a little flutter in my stomach. It's a deep, painful gash in my fucking life.

I don't just use it as an excuse, my anxiety is crippling to the point where I in fact miss a lot of oppertunities in my life because I'm so sick from it.

Puking isnt fun. Feeling like you're gonna 24/7 gets old very fast. Having to change everything about your life so you don't end up in the hospital is very hard.

Having to take very expensive pills every fucking day, and then go see someone every 3 weeks to get more, pay more, and maybe have to take more really puts a hamper on life.

Dreading every meal, every snack, every single social aspect, from going to a party with friends to simply going to fill up my tank, I have to live in fear of puking my guts out, not being able to hold in that lovely meal, and not be crippled enough to see friends I rarely get to see.

Meeting new people is very hard because I can't really chat with them if I'm puking/shitting my fuckin guts.

So yeah, next time you all wanna say, hey, you'll be fine, you take a step back, and fuck yourself.

I won't be ok. I'm not ok, nor have I been for years. This isn't something I can just get over. I've been living with it. It's a fucking curse, a burden. It's something I will always have to deal with if I expect to live past 30.

Fuck yourself if you think life is peachy or that I can use it as an excuse. It's not an excuse, it's not a ticket to a fucking free day off. It's a reason to sit with my head in a bucket for 2 hours and hope I don't lose more weight so I don't have tubes in my fucking arms to feed me. It's a daily struggle so I don't need serious medical attention, whether it be physical or psycholigical.

Eat shit.

And When The World Turns It's Back On You

That's when you'll know.

That's when you'll fucking know that you've got the world in the palm of your hands.

I believe I did the right thing.

I did what I had to to protect everyone.

And now we wait...

As for those that turned on me, you have nothing to say for yourselves now.

You made me your pariah, but if all goes right, I will be your savior.

Never Give Up

I will never give up.

Even during the times when I'm feeling useless, downtrodden, and would be better off dead, I will NEVER stop trying. I will never give up.

If my friends think that me getting fired means thats it, they're wrong. I won't rest until this is solved. Even if we've had our arguments and shit, I still consider them all friends, and therefor, something I care for.

I will not stop making music, just because I'm not good at it, and just cuz shows make me sick to my stomach cuz of my anxiety, I will always try to go, play, whatever.

Just because my art is childish looking since I never practice, I will never give it up, and I will get better at it.

And just because I am most likely going to be fired, I will not stop. The whole reason I'm doing this is to help make everything more bearable and so everyone can get the job done.

I will NEVER give up.

Even if everyone gives up on me.

Good

Have you ever questioned yourself and asked,

"Am I doing the right thing?"

"Is this worth it?"

"Why should I even bother?"

I'm having that trouble right now.

Oh Insomnia

Insomnia, my friend, when I have to work 8-9 hour shifts everyday til thursday starting last friday, I dont need a visit from you.

Women as usual.

Work sucks. I want a transfer. I cant put up with some of my coworkers utter incompetance and laziness. The last straw was when I was doing trash and a bag ripped open dripping cat piss all over my arm. Fucking disgusting. That fuck was supposed to help me, instead he dicked around then left.

I dont think Ill ever GET women, both metaphorically, physically, and psychologically.

Bah, once I can rest, not wake up for an hour every 5 minutes, and not feel sick to my stomach cuz of my paying job 24/7, then I wont complain. But until then, Im gonna be holding back vomit and rage all at once.

Oh hey, I still have this.

Im very determined to do a lot of things.

However, being sick AGAIN makes me lose all functions and motivations to do anything but the most base instincts.

That being said, I hate myself more than ever cuz I cant stay healthy long enough for me to get something done.

Good news is that I have tons of ideas for things that, SO FAR, are shaping up to be good.

Lets see if I can get better and actually finish these things.

Story of my fuckin life right now.

Sick again

As usual, every year, I get sick on xmas. I woke up around 130 sweating and shivering like I was in the arctic, covered up in multitudes of layers, work up at 2 (or rather, got up since I didnt sleep at this point) and threw up water every hour til 8am, then in a semi-comatose state, passed out. Ive been asleep/in some sort of micro-nap or coma ish thing all day, feeling worse. Held down some penut butter, crackers, bread, water and pedealyte pops, and have a 3 hout shift tomorrow morning to impress a big wig at work. I dont wanna let my boss down, but I feel like death. We'll see what happens.

I can only hope to feel better and get ready for sundays shift.

So lousy.

Same Shit

Im sick of getting shit on by everyone.

Nobody fucking respects me at work, no one fucking respects me as a friend, nothing. Everyone acts like Im thier bitch and treats me like fucking shit.

Fuck you, I went out of my way for you and all you did was fuckin lie to me and fuck me over.

Eat shit and die you cunt.

Failure

I have finally accepted myself as a failure. Not at everything, despite what I choose to think about myself, but in art.

I was at work on break the other day, and I sat there with my sketchbook, ready with ideas flowing, creative juices doing thier thing. But nothing came out. Not a line.

As I went back on register, and had done my tasks for the night, I grabbed a small piece of trash paper and tried to draw something. The second I saw this was nothing what the original picture, in my head or how it was originally drawn, looked like, I tore it to shreds and threw it away.

I cant draw a single good looking thing without having some sort of reference in front of me.

This means computer, book, comic, etc. Cant do anything by memory alone and not let it look like a 6 year old drew it.

This realization at first infuriated me (in addition to having a shitty day at work, literally, mopping shit up with only one coworker who's always a kind woman to say thank you) but then depressed me.

I remember a comic then, and how one character had a tiny little netbook. Maybe I could get one and bring it with me, to use for drawing, have tons of refs on it, wifi, etc.

Idk, but Im writing an ep/album/whatever about my failures and its frustrations.

Also, I hate my job. The people there are miserable now, Im prolly up for a firing, and excluding a few of my friends, most of the store hates me.

So much hate going on right now, in addition to my own shitty luck with women, I find out numerous things regarding my friends, and how my allegiance was tested by World Whore.

First off, heres a few things we need to establish.

1-NEVER question my loyalty to my friends. EVER. You will regret it.

2-Dont you ever fucking say you are innocent. You're not. We're ALL guilty of something. I own up to it. I admit when Im wrong. You say all this shit about someone you used to be friends with and then just run away from me, youre a fucking joke.

Ugh, rant over, fuck the world, the whores, the world whore, and life in general.

Long shift tomorrow, maybe take my mind off of things.

Or make it worse.

World Whore 4

You sicken me.

You said you were honest, but truly, its a lie. I was foolish to think you could ever be a true friend.

You said you were giving me a warning, telling me about someone I hardly knew, well, I think you were really talking about yourself.

I stuck my neck out for you, defended you, and stood against the tide that said you were a terrible person, and told them they were wrong. I gave you the benefit of the doubt, and yet in return I get nothing but a cold shoulder and your sudden ignorance.

You lied, with every breath you took, saying how I was a good person and how Im a good friend, when the only time I was ever a speck in your universe was when you got to chop someone down a peg without telling me anything of importance. You used me to feed your hatred for someone, and then you continued on as if I never existed.

You're the one who should feel sorry, not me. You're the one who is missing out on having true and noble kindness in your corner, you're the one who lives a life of excess and greed, you're the one, so vain, you cant settle down with just one person, the one who loves to manipulate but hates to be manipulated.

I thought you were different, but you're not, you're just the same type of scum like the rest of them. You use me for whatever sick purpose I serve you and then cast me aside as if you never had anything to do with me.

You're nothing but a self-centered whore, and you wouldn't know true happiness if it shot you square between the eyes.

Im glad Im not a part of your life, cuz the only woman I want in my life is someone who isnt as big a whore or as selfish, evasive, and keniving as you.

I will not falter cuz of you, I will stand and walk head held high and I will find someone who is worth the time and effort that you took from me, never bothering to return.

You will never find happiness.

Fuck you.

Somedays

I wish I could just disappear.

All the people who have a place in my heart have grown to hate me, more than anyone. I dunno why, but it makes me feel like shit.

This is why Im always so negative and angry, cuz its a waste. People I care for, love, hold dear, and try and help out before myself, they end up hating me and being a waste of time.

I wish theyd see how good a friend I am. I was always there to talk to when things were wrong, there to try and help make things better, I tried to help everyone I could, didnt care too much about what happened to me as a result, ended up just somehow fucking things up and making people hate me, despite my good natured heart and kindness.

If you see me and I act like a dick, now you know why. I tried to be a nice guy, I tried to be different, but I cant let my guard down for anyone anymore, cuz I end up getting fucked over again and again and again.

I hate saying this, but I love you so much I hate you, and vice versa.

A Question About Love

Detected.

So a friend posted a status that said, Here's a question-How many times have you fallen in love?

Being detected and sentimental as i am, it got me thinking. How many times?

After a quick count, 7.

7. I can remember only bad times with them. It was terrible. I always thought things would get better, and they never did. I wasted years on these people, only for them to turn on me and use me or cheat on me.

Recently, Ive thought I was in love, but it turns out to be one sided infatuation.

I added a ton of new people to make friends with on facebook, be a nice guy, maybe find someone who's into me, but still being talked to like im a bad guy.

I know Im a monster, cuz I say horrible things and have the opinion of death himself, but I ama caring and loving guy.

I dunno why people sometimes cant be straight up with me, or for that matter tell me WHY they dont like me, but whatever. Im trying to find a girl who will appreciate me for me and who wont change or make me change and be themselves.

So far, this goes with no results and many a day wasted trying to hang with people whom i either would like to get to know or who already have my heart.

This inspires me to write another song.

I dunno, it cant be love if Im the only one who cares. I guess in that case, Ive never been IN love since no one loves me, Ive only ever had feelings for someone who either didnt care or secretely hated me. It seems history repeats itself.

Its happening again, tenfold.

I dunno what to do, or how to tell them, or what, but my heart is splitting, such women who have a place in my mind each day.

I wish people would give me a chance to show them im not the monster i think i am, but thats not happening anytime soon since no one wants to even let me try to be a good guy.

I think its time for bed. If I keep up the sentimental crap, im gonna be cryin by the end of this.

Which would do me some good.

I Just Dont Care Anymore, Sometimes

Eh, weird shit lately. Friends are unemployed, Im trying to use some usefull info I have to save a litter of puppies, random people, random IMs and messages, and somehow people seem to value my, uh, existance.

Strange.

Been working very hard at trying to stay positive and get things I want done, but Im far too nihilistic now to really give a shit, yet, at the same time, knowing that some people think if me and IM me or text or call out of the blue really picks me up, but also makes me see Im only tolerable in small doses, and that I really am lonely.

So, I have a long week ahead of me, and it will end with me being equally as lonely and fuckin workin my ass off for people who dont like me.

Welcome to my life.

AAC Is Soon

So AAC (Another Anime Con) is comin up. I know about 80% of my friends could give a shit less, so this is for everyone else.

I never go to cons at all. Ever. I go to the AAC Yomise (I work it for the stores owner) only cuz I have a source of power. I position that I cant be removed from. I avoid them like the plague due to many things. Mostly because so many people who hate me go, and will stop at nothing to make everyone believe the lies they tell and get me in trouble, thrown out, police problems, etc.

First off, a few of my exs go. Already that spells trouble. Ive been harassed by the cops so much because theyre always calling about things I never do. Its rediculous.

Next, a few people who I know dont like me that much, from various points in my life from high school to recently will be working and attending. Also, not havin that for me.

Finally, since these people are going, the few friends i have that dont hate me that ARE going will be having fun and making tons of inside jokes, remarks, and many other things that are over my fucking head. I dont watch a lot of anime. Ive seen maybe 2 movies that were subtitled. It was fun, but I prefer english dubs. Its a culture thing for me, Im able to understand and relate to the characters more since they speak a language I understand.

A couple friends of mine have even tried to get me to work at them, running security so if any of my exs or the people who dont like me start any shit, i can just kick them out. I decided against it so I dont have to deal with them at all. Knowing them theyd get the police to shut down the con itself, and after the shit theyve pulled already, its not unlikely.

Its sad, really, that I dont live my life the way I want. I dont want to miss out on good times with friends, I dont want to not be able to relax, have a laugh and experience something new. But I dont, I cant, and I wont anytime soon.

It sucks, Id like to be able to hang with all my friends, the ones I know at the castle, the ones I made at the past 2-3 Yomise's, but Im pretty sure Im not gonna be seeing any vendors for a long time :[

Thats why Im always so annoying and tryin to hang with some of my anime friends. Cuz the only time I can see them is at these events, and the only ones I met them at, some people ended up not likin me too much since my exs were goin around sayin Im a rapist and Im some abusive fuck.

I am a HUGE pussy, my little sister can kick my ass, this is certain. Im a nice guy, Im a virgin, and Im very respectful of people. Unfortunately, since most anime kids are so quick to believe ANYTHING, it ended up not being a very good night. I made a few great friends who Ive kept in contact with, be it through facebook alone :/

Sometimes I wish I was a little tougher, not so frail and weak, not so fucked up in the head, stomach, etc. But this is how it is.

I hope some of ya will hang once in a while, I mean, not like I have any grand plans :/

Sometimes I forget

That Im not living a life of "normality", that the fair maiden wont be mine eventually, that I wont be saving anyone, and I will be the one who is defeated.

I sometimes wish I wasnt myself. Sometimes that I could forget everyone and everything, start fresh, not have any bad memories of heartbreak, betrayal, not be so paranoid, remeet everyone and hopefully NOT fuck it up.

I mean, Im glad I have a lot more time to myself, and that Im on a creative roll, Im somewhat happier around people. But Im also sad that I cant hang with my friends sometimes, that they dont like me, and just put up with me like soooooooooooo many before. I cant help it with my paranoid self, but thats how I feel. I may be happy, but once Im alone I miss everyone, I long for the companionship I never had, and I certainly with some aspects of my romantic life were...uh, better?

All Im trying to do is be the great friend, the one who you can wake up at 4am and talk to so you feel better, who can try and give advice and help your problems, and who will take the time to listen and care, and not judge you.

Meh, not like that ever happens.

Its Over

I cant do it anymore. I cant pretend nothing is wrong, or that i have it under control.

My mood changed so much today. I went from tired, to angry, depressed, happy, carefree, helpful, loving, to depressed, enraged, and finally hopeless.

Its official. My depression has spiralled out of control. I cant stay the same way for more than a half hour without someone or something changing my mood.

I give up. I cant win. I thought I could take back my life but I cant. Ive tried to be optimistic, to see the good, but it just backfires and fucked me up more.

Im not sure what to do, but I know that Im gonna be fucked. Its the end. I cant joyride on my little happiness.

Im not sure whats gonna happen, but one things for sure.

Ill see you fucks in the gutter.

Post 50, Funniest thing tonite

Funniest thing, me and Chris went to the 24/7 rite aid. he had his finger holding onto a shelf of gum while i was about to pay, I said, careful there, he looks at me with the straightest face and says, no going anywhere. We both proceed to laugh through me paying and out 2 blocks down the street cracking up, crying from laughing, and nearly pissing myself from the random situation of it all. Funniest thing in my life.

Also, this.

I Hate Being Sick

Sick again. Stomach virus. Cant keep much in my stomach before it uh...decides to come out.

So anyway, if I do go into work tomorrow, Im gonna be giving my boss a piece of my mind. Even the other managers are sick of her schedule meddling.

Everyone of my friends there is fucking miserable. Bri is sick and theyre harrassing her, they make Hope stay for like 8 hours, Mel and Amanda have paperwork that cant get done cuz the boss dont schedule in enough cashiers so they have to in addition to trying to make the quota for selling classes, other Amanda was on meds for a sliced open hand/finger and they still made her stay an extra 2 1/2 hours cuz they didnt schedule other people in.

Everyone is miserable, and yet Im the ONLY one who has the guts to say something to thier face. I dont blame everyone though. They NEED the job, whether it be to support a family, pay bills, or live themselves, they cant afford to lose it, so they go along with it grudgingly. I however dont need it. Im not paid enough to take thier shit. If I get fired, its not a big deal, I get another job and put down the old boss for a reference. Either way, Im gonna stand up to her cuz she shouldnt be doing this to people, especially when she knows she has power over them since we're all expendable now, considering she hired 7 new people.

As I said, I dont blame everyone for not saying anything. If I were in their situation where I needed 2 jobs to make a living and support myself, animals, pay rent, help friends, etc, Id be apprehensive about a certain confrontation.

But Im not living alone or with friends. I dont have animals to take care of. I dont pay any bills. Most of my friends consider me lucky that I have it easy. Its not all its cracked up to be. Im never gonna be any of the things I aspire for, and Im ok with this. But if I can make a small difference so that my friends at my store can have an easier time, able to be flexible for family, friends, school, other jobs, then Im willing to risk my job to bitch out my boss and tell her that its unfair to make people stay and put people on for when they dont have to be there, not tell them, and bitch them out. Its rediculous.

Anyway, I work 9-330 tomorrow. It may be my last time, if Im well enough to go in at all.

I can only hope to get her to see shes making everyone want to quit.

And I can only hope that I will be able to come in and see my friends and these wonderful animals in the future.

God help me.

Round 2 for Venting

First off, this isnt about the girl I work with, or the other girl who works at a diff store, this is about all the bullshit I have to put up with and the fact that words are the only safe way for me to vent.

No one Im friends with is best friends with anyone else. Everyone hates each other. Fuck you all for not getting along for the sake of friendship and kindness.

Next up, I definately hate my boss. I went in to see if I started my shift at 5 or 530, and saw she had hand written me to work thursday. This was after I had asked her if this was the completed schedule and she said yes. So not only did she schedule me for a day I wasnt supposed to work, NO ONE FUCKING TOLD ME!

Tomorrow Im going to be having some words with her, and will not be showing up thurs, if at all if I get fired.

I hate how people bitch at me cuz I smoke. I FUCKING SMOKE AND DRINK SO FUCKING WHAT?! I dont bitch at anyone else cuz of thier weight, sex, whorishness, religion, what band they like, etc. I taught myself to live and let live.

I know smoking doesnt calm really, but it helps take my mind off of things, relax.

Yknow why Im always a miserable shit? I have so much pressure on me. I need to get a new car, figure out how to do my own banking and taxes, eventually move out, etc. In addition I dont have a career. Im too fucking stupid to be a teacher, Im not a good artist or musician. I have NOTHING! Im just a fuckin guy who does shit to get by. I need to make more money.

I asked one of my bosses what the qualifications to be put into petcare, which has more hours and better stuff. After listing them off, she turned around and said oh, and retention of knowledge, aka, you dont stand a fucking chance of getting that job.

So Im gonna be stuck as a fucking cashier in that place until I get fired or quit.

I love my job, and I love all the people I work with, but goddamn, you people assume you know me.

The other day when work was mad shitty and I was so busy I wanted to cry, my foot started hurting, causing me to limp. Now, Ive had foot problems since I was 11, and I get serious foot cramps which make me sit and massage my foot or my entire leg ends up cramping. In addition to this, my 3 sprained fingers are still acting up, and Im pretty sure I did something to my rotator cuff, which scares the shit out of me since my dads been through that shit and he hasnt been the same since.

So anyway, one of the girls in petcare said oh reg quit fucking faking it in front of me and a customer. I told her shouldnt you be bagging fish? I dont fake shit. I dont want sympathy or to have an excuse to not do something, I do all that I can and more. But it worries me that if I did do something to my shoulder or my feet are starting to act up, that I could be out of a job at 21 due to disability. And yes, Im assuming the worst, as that is usually the case.

I hate that everyone has such negative shit to say about everyone. I may have my dislikes of people, but I bitch and then let it go, cuz we're only fucking human.

I hate how people rarely talk to me outside my job. When I got introduced to everyone, that makes them a friend, not a coworker only.

I dunno, so much shit has gone on lately, I need to relax and take a vaca out of state.

We'll see tomorrow if Im gonna be employed or not to permit this.