oh hai

Finally.

Writing.

Thinking of the future.

Bleak.

So drained.

Being sapped of life.

So tired.

Tomorrow is another day.

Been a bit

I have ideas. Ideas that I like, am proud of, and hopefully will act on.

Im gonna start makin notes and here and there doing shitty little sketches. And I mean shitty.

Im not proud of my art, as a matter of fact, I HATE IT. But if it means I have to put more work, well, I didnt get this far and am still alive, why not try harder?

Music is gonna be good too. Im excited for it.

Right now, as much as I think Im ready, that my heart is ready, my entire being, I dont think I wanna try to pursue women for a while. Its too much stress on me, and I need this full time that I better get.

I know all my friends have my back, but I dont know if I can keep my cool. I have good patience, but thats for everyone else, not myself. If I cant get something to be good, I give up. Maybe its time I change that.

I still am pissed that I need to have a fucking computer in front of me to draw right. I need to look at some of my old how to books for comics, animation, and realistic drawing.

Heres to trying and failing miserably.

Failure

I have finally accepted myself as a failure. Not at everything, despite what I choose to think about myself, but in art.

I was at work on break the other day, and I sat there with my sketchbook, ready with ideas flowing, creative juices doing thier thing. But nothing came out. Not a line.

As I went back on register, and had done my tasks for the night, I grabbed a small piece of trash paper and tried to draw something. The second I saw this was nothing what the original picture, in my head or how it was originally drawn, looked like, I tore it to shreds and threw it away.

I cant draw a single good looking thing without having some sort of reference in front of me.

This means computer, book, comic, etc. Cant do anything by memory alone and not let it look like a 6 year old drew it.

This realization at first infuriated me (in addition to having a shitty day at work, literally, mopping shit up with only one coworker who's always a kind woman to say thank you) but then depressed me.

I remember a comic then, and how one character had a tiny little netbook. Maybe I could get one and bring it with me, to use for drawing, have tons of refs on it, wifi, etc.

Idk, but Im writing an ep/album/whatever about my failures and its frustrations.

Also, I hate my job. The people there are miserable now, Im prolly up for a firing, and excluding a few of my friends, most of the store hates me.

So much hate going on right now, in addition to my own shitty luck with women, I find out numerous things regarding my friends, and how my allegiance was tested by World Whore.

First off, heres a few things we need to establish.

1-NEVER question my loyalty to my friends. EVER. You will regret it.

2-Dont you ever fucking say you are innocent. You're not. We're ALL guilty of something. I own up to it. I admit when Im wrong. You say all this shit about someone you used to be friends with and then just run away from me, youre a fucking joke.

Ugh, rant over, fuck the world, the whores, the world whore, and life in general.

Long shift tomorrow, maybe take my mind off of things.

Or make it worse.

Mishuku

For those who dont know her, she's an artist who's forged her own style of art and unique take on it, using many different and new techniques, styles, and fashions.

She's making a graphic novel. I havent started a full sketch. That says something.

Time for my stupid ass to stop slacking off and do something. I have potential, but no motivation, and I cant get better and be a great artist if I dont practice. I mean, I been an art fan on DA of her and many other amazing artists for years, and they've always improved, except me.

Time to get on that shit. I wont slack off, I'll do my best, and fucking show people I can use my unique take on, everything really, to make a great comic.

Manga

For those who know me well, comics and manga have always been something I've loved doing.
Im honestly not that good, especially since everything I've drawn since 2008 has been for a school assignment, not for myself, and because of it, I dont put as much work or effort into it.

Im trying to do more realistic style, like real comics, but all I end up doing is really shitty art. Clearly, I need some practice.
As for manga, I've tried to do it very professionally, but I really am terrible right now, and have been adapting my own style slowly. More of a surrealistic style, ala FLCL and Metal Gear Solid's artwork.

I plan on continuing to practice and get better. I really like art, and I love the unique styles and personality they put into thier work.

First Contact

Im 20.
Im straightedge, but its cool if youre not.
I love grindcore, hardcore, punk, alternative, noise, etc.
Manga/comic/anime artist.
Solo musician.
Film bands.
Im nice, but also a dick.
I have depression, anxiety, and acid reflux.
Its not fun.

I'll update this a LOT because Im usually bored and have a lot to complain about.

Fuck yaself.