Anxiety

It sucks. It isn't just a little flutter in my stomach. It's a deep, painful gash in my fucking life.

I don't just use it as an excuse, my anxiety is crippling to the point where I in fact miss a lot of oppertunities in my life because I'm so sick from it.

Puking isnt fun. Feeling like you're gonna 24/7 gets old very fast. Having to change everything about your life so you don't end up in the hospital is very hard.

Having to take very expensive pills every fucking day, and then go see someone every 3 weeks to get more, pay more, and maybe have to take more really puts a hamper on life.

Dreading every meal, every snack, every single social aspect, from going to a party with friends to simply going to fill up my tank, I have to live in fear of puking my guts out, not being able to hold in that lovely meal, and not be crippled enough to see friends I rarely get to see.

Meeting new people is very hard because I can't really chat with them if I'm puking/shitting my fuckin guts.

So yeah, next time you all wanna say, hey, you'll be fine, you take a step back, and fuck yourself.

I won't be ok. I'm not ok, nor have I been for years. This isn't something I can just get over. I've been living with it. It's a fucking curse, a burden. It's something I will always have to deal with if I expect to live past 30.

Fuck yourself if you think life is peachy or that I can use it as an excuse. It's not an excuse, it's not a ticket to a fucking free day off. It's a reason to sit with my head in a bucket for 2 hours and hope I don't lose more weight so I don't have tubes in my fucking arms to feed me. It's a daily struggle so I don't need serious medical attention, whether it be physical or psycholigical.

Eat shit.

Too Late

So a lot has happened, and I realized a lot.

I lost some people I truly cared about because they were too shallow or too stupid to understand the concept of companionship or friendship.

And I realized, although perhaps too late, who really means a lot to me.

Im gonna try and set things right, but Im not sure how it will go :/

Same Shit

Im sick of getting shit on by everyone.

Nobody fucking respects me at work, no one fucking respects me as a friend, nothing. Everyone acts like Im thier bitch and treats me like fucking shit.

Fuck you, I went out of my way for you and all you did was fuckin lie to me and fuck me over.

Eat shit and die you cunt.

Wow Im Retarded

This is me.

Cuz I dont grasp that people have other shit to do.

Anyway, glad things are back to normal, glad people understand Im stupid, and give me more chances than I should get.

Love you all.

Oh, also, I plan on being hammered this weekend.

Yes.

Better updates to come.

I Just Dont Care Anymore, Sometimes

Eh, weird shit lately. Friends are unemployed, Im trying to use some usefull info I have to save a litter of puppies, random people, random IMs and messages, and somehow people seem to value my, uh, existance.

Strange.

Been working very hard at trying to stay positive and get things I want done, but Im far too nihilistic now to really give a shit, yet, at the same time, knowing that some people think if me and IM me or text or call out of the blue really picks me up, but also makes me see Im only tolerable in small doses, and that I really am lonely.

So, I have a long week ahead of me, and it will end with me being equally as lonely and fuckin workin my ass off for people who dont like me.

Welcome to my life.

AAC Is Soon

So AAC (Another Anime Con) is comin up. I know about 80% of my friends could give a shit less, so this is for everyone else.

I never go to cons at all. Ever. I go to the AAC Yomise (I work it for the stores owner) only cuz I have a source of power. I position that I cant be removed from. I avoid them like the plague due to many things. Mostly because so many people who hate me go, and will stop at nothing to make everyone believe the lies they tell and get me in trouble, thrown out, police problems, etc.

First off, a few of my exs go. Already that spells trouble. Ive been harassed by the cops so much because theyre always calling about things I never do. Its rediculous.

Next, a few people who I know dont like me that much, from various points in my life from high school to recently will be working and attending. Also, not havin that for me.

Finally, since these people are going, the few friends i have that dont hate me that ARE going will be having fun and making tons of inside jokes, remarks, and many other things that are over my fucking head. I dont watch a lot of anime. Ive seen maybe 2 movies that were subtitled. It was fun, but I prefer english dubs. Its a culture thing for me, Im able to understand and relate to the characters more since they speak a language I understand.

A couple friends of mine have even tried to get me to work at them, running security so if any of my exs or the people who dont like me start any shit, i can just kick them out. I decided against it so I dont have to deal with them at all. Knowing them theyd get the police to shut down the con itself, and after the shit theyve pulled already, its not unlikely.

Its sad, really, that I dont live my life the way I want. I dont want to miss out on good times with friends, I dont want to not be able to relax, have a laugh and experience something new. But I dont, I cant, and I wont anytime soon.

It sucks, Id like to be able to hang with all my friends, the ones I know at the castle, the ones I made at the past 2-3 Yomise's, but Im pretty sure Im not gonna be seeing any vendors for a long time :[

Thats why Im always so annoying and tryin to hang with some of my anime friends. Cuz the only time I can see them is at these events, and the only ones I met them at, some people ended up not likin me too much since my exs were goin around sayin Im a rapist and Im some abusive fuck.

I am a HUGE pussy, my little sister can kick my ass, this is certain. Im a nice guy, Im a virgin, and Im very respectful of people. Unfortunately, since most anime kids are so quick to believe ANYTHING, it ended up not being a very good night. I made a few great friends who Ive kept in contact with, be it through facebook alone :/

Sometimes I wish I was a little tougher, not so frail and weak, not so fucked up in the head, stomach, etc. But this is how it is.

I hope some of ya will hang once in a while, I mean, not like I have any grand plans :/

I Hate Being Sick

Sick again. Stomach virus. Cant keep much in my stomach before it uh...decides to come out.

So anyway, if I do go into work tomorrow, Im gonna be giving my boss a piece of my mind. Even the other managers are sick of her schedule meddling.

Everyone of my friends there is fucking miserable. Bri is sick and theyre harrassing her, they make Hope stay for like 8 hours, Mel and Amanda have paperwork that cant get done cuz the boss dont schedule in enough cashiers so they have to in addition to trying to make the quota for selling classes, other Amanda was on meds for a sliced open hand/finger and they still made her stay an extra 2 1/2 hours cuz they didnt schedule other people in.

Everyone is miserable, and yet Im the ONLY one who has the guts to say something to thier face. I dont blame everyone though. They NEED the job, whether it be to support a family, pay bills, or live themselves, they cant afford to lose it, so they go along with it grudgingly. I however dont need it. Im not paid enough to take thier shit. If I get fired, its not a big deal, I get another job and put down the old boss for a reference. Either way, Im gonna stand up to her cuz she shouldnt be doing this to people, especially when she knows she has power over them since we're all expendable now, considering she hired 7 new people.

As I said, I dont blame everyone for not saying anything. If I were in their situation where I needed 2 jobs to make a living and support myself, animals, pay rent, help friends, etc, Id be apprehensive about a certain confrontation.

But Im not living alone or with friends. I dont have animals to take care of. I dont pay any bills. Most of my friends consider me lucky that I have it easy. Its not all its cracked up to be. Im never gonna be any of the things I aspire for, and Im ok with this. But if I can make a small difference so that my friends at my store can have an easier time, able to be flexible for family, friends, school, other jobs, then Im willing to risk my job to bitch out my boss and tell her that its unfair to make people stay and put people on for when they dont have to be there, not tell them, and bitch them out. Its rediculous.

Anyway, I work 9-330 tomorrow. It may be my last time, if Im well enough to go in at all.

I can only hope to get her to see shes making everyone want to quit.

And I can only hope that I will be able to come in and see my friends and these wonderful animals in the future.

God help me.

Round 2 for Venting

First off, this isnt about the girl I work with, or the other girl who works at a diff store, this is about all the bullshit I have to put up with and the fact that words are the only safe way for me to vent.

No one Im friends with is best friends with anyone else. Everyone hates each other. Fuck you all for not getting along for the sake of friendship and kindness.

Next up, I definately hate my boss. I went in to see if I started my shift at 5 or 530, and saw she had hand written me to work thursday. This was after I had asked her if this was the completed schedule and she said yes. So not only did she schedule me for a day I wasnt supposed to work, NO ONE FUCKING TOLD ME!

Tomorrow Im going to be having some words with her, and will not be showing up thurs, if at all if I get fired.

I hate how people bitch at me cuz I smoke. I FUCKING SMOKE AND DRINK SO FUCKING WHAT?! I dont bitch at anyone else cuz of thier weight, sex, whorishness, religion, what band they like, etc. I taught myself to live and let live.

I know smoking doesnt calm really, but it helps take my mind off of things, relax.

Yknow why Im always a miserable shit? I have so much pressure on me. I need to get a new car, figure out how to do my own banking and taxes, eventually move out, etc. In addition I dont have a career. Im too fucking stupid to be a teacher, Im not a good artist or musician. I have NOTHING! Im just a fuckin guy who does shit to get by. I need to make more money.

I asked one of my bosses what the qualifications to be put into petcare, which has more hours and better stuff. After listing them off, she turned around and said oh, and retention of knowledge, aka, you dont stand a fucking chance of getting that job.

So Im gonna be stuck as a fucking cashier in that place until I get fired or quit.

I love my job, and I love all the people I work with, but goddamn, you people assume you know me.

The other day when work was mad shitty and I was so busy I wanted to cry, my foot started hurting, causing me to limp. Now, Ive had foot problems since I was 11, and I get serious foot cramps which make me sit and massage my foot or my entire leg ends up cramping. In addition to this, my 3 sprained fingers are still acting up, and Im pretty sure I did something to my rotator cuff, which scares the shit out of me since my dads been through that shit and he hasnt been the same since.

So anyway, one of the girls in petcare said oh reg quit fucking faking it in front of me and a customer. I told her shouldnt you be bagging fish? I dont fake shit. I dont want sympathy or to have an excuse to not do something, I do all that I can and more. But it worries me that if I did do something to my shoulder or my feet are starting to act up, that I could be out of a job at 21 due to disability. And yes, Im assuming the worst, as that is usually the case.

I hate that everyone has such negative shit to say about everyone. I may have my dislikes of people, but I bitch and then let it go, cuz we're only fucking human.

I hate how people rarely talk to me outside my job. When I got introduced to everyone, that makes them a friend, not a coworker only.

I dunno, so much shit has gone on lately, I need to relax and take a vaca out of state.

We'll see tomorrow if Im gonna be employed or not to permit this.

The World As We Know It

I honestly believe, and can finally admit openly, that I have become jaded to everything in this world.

I see corruption everywhere I go, I see hatred and unkindness, cruelty, greed, egos, selfishness.

Its sickening, yet I hold back the vomit and press onward each day, supressing every desire to continuously beat the shit out of people.

I have no problem telling people how it is. Being honest and true. Yet, again, because the world is this way, even though Im right, people will still defend themselves with invalid points and useless arguings.

Everyday I wake up and try to think positive. I try and say, hey, today is gonna be different, Im gonna do some good, and within 15 minutes of me getting up out of bed, my ass is already waiting for the day to be over.

Ive come a long way. Many of my good friends have seen me at my lowest, massively underweight, sick as a dog, and close to a complete mental and physical breakdown. And if it wasnt for these dicks stickin by me and telling me, shit sucks, but only you can make it better, Id be in the grave. I now have a very great job. Yes I bitch about it, but who doesnt bitch about thier job? I have amazing friends. I get to do exactly what I want, which, at the moment, is relax, play games, enjoy life.

But everyday Im constantly bombarded with news, talks, eavesdrops, etc of all the terrible things in this world. Previous owners of the animals I pet everyday beating and starving them, friends I know constantly arguing and at each others throats.

Im fucking sick of it.

Everyone who is reading this most likely knows a bit about me. Hopefully its what you know from me, not from one of my ex cunts. Everyone knows Im a nice guy, Im easy to get along with, and Im always a fun dude. Im friends with everyone, even if they hate each other.

Well, Im sick of this shit. Im sick of all the fucking egos. Im sick of hard working people getting fucked because people with egos and think they should be ahead of everyone want money and glory for themselves. Last time I checked, you've only paid your dues when you get signed by a major label and have a cd in best buy or newbury comics.

Im fucking done being the nice fucking dude and trying to please everyone and make everything go alright, compromising to the point of me ending up losing out on everything. Fuck that.

Im a real human being who is just trying to earn my place in the world. I havent done so, so I dont expect special treatment. I dont expect shortcuts, taking the long way and doing things right is twice as rewarding.

I may be friends with you all, but Im a real person. Ive opened my eyes and unveiled the world for the shithole of a rock it really is. When you ask for honesty, I will be blunt and truthful. I wont beat around the bush to keep things together. This is real life, and sometimes YOU have to make compromises just as I do.

This is the world as we know it. This is me. Im honest and truthfully sorry to offend you all, but fuck yourself if you think youre better than someone. You're not. The only way you have more money and more influence is because of circumstance.

Get real faggot.

Long Rant Is Looooooooong

So this morning, its very early for me, around 9am. Ive been up since 7am since the rednecks behind us decided to go in the pool and scream and argue. At 7am. Right off the bat I hope all the fat fucks drown.

Cut to work. The 0 key on my register sticks sometimes, so this time it stuck and rang up as $200.03 instead of $20.03. I asked if we needed to key it in, forgetting he gave me 3 cents to give him a 5, so i hand him $4.97. He goes "What the fuck are you doing? I gave you 3 cents!" I wasnt thinking, it being early in the morning. I said "Oh Im sorry." and gave him his 5. He begins walking out, and goes, "Jesus, where the fuck did you go, vocational school?" not registering what he said, I replied, "No, community college." The guy behind him, who was very nice, laughed at the old guy. As soon as the nice man left, it registered what had just happened, and I wanted to murder the everloving fuck out of that old piece of shit. Had I actually caught what he said, I would have replied, and gotten fired for, saying "are those dentures or real teeth, cuz youre about to fucking eat them in 3 seconds"

Needless to say, I raged all day at work, being extra nice to customers, since thats my fucking job.

I know theres fucking assholes in the world. Im one of em. But when Im an all around nice guy, and am being courteous, making human errors, and apologizing and doing my best to rectify the situation, I dont need the fucking attitude. If the boss who's not usually a bitch to me wasnt standing 2 aisles over, having ironically, not heard any of this, I would definately have said something, gotten in trouble, etc. But this isnt the first time shit has gotten to me at work so bad.

Before, we were having a huge 4 day sale. A man came over and asked why the prices of his items were not like in the magazine. I told him politely that the size of the bag and the flavor of the cat food wasnt the one on sale, and if he'd like, he can go grab those. He balled up a fist and proceeded to complain about the price. I cant do much, since Im stuck as a part time cashier, I cant change prices, I can just call a manager, ironically, shed be a bitch and Id get shit from the customer for it. So as a long line forms behind him and Im the only cashier (as usual) on duty, he says "Ill just go grab another one then" He puts the bag down and I begin ringing in a new customer. When the line is finished, I notice that the bag he left behind me on the floor was gone. He stole a $50 bag of animal food because he couldnt get the fucking sale, since his chosen bag wasnt one on sale.

It bothered me all day and all weekend. I was so pissed that I let someone get away, yet, thinking this through, if I hadf tried to stop him, since he was about 6 foot 3, and had prolly 100 or so pounds on me, would've fucked me up.

I shouldnt have to go into work worrying if a customer is gonna take a swing at me or if theyre gonna come back and harass me as I try and do my job. I shouldnt have to fucking worry about my bosses blaming me for everything when Im the ONLY person at the front most of the time, and getting bitched at cuz they take thier fucking time getting to the front to help me out with things because theyre too fucking busy chatting in the office. Me and my coworkers do hard work. I cant speak for them, but I always give as much effort and kindness, even if Im in a shit mood and faking it, Im always courteous, and always, ALWAYS try and do the best job I can do, yet I get bitched at because I made a human error, such as accidentally giving 3 cents less change or being the only person on a register with a line halfway down the fucking store. People from petcare and GROOMING of all places shouldnt have to drop what theyre doing to relieve this line because my bosses are all having coffee and donuts out back. When I call twice, its kinda important. When the first and LAST people in line hear my voice on the intercom 7 times and still have nothing, then its fucking pathetic.

If I could get any job that pays good and lets me go to shows and be myself like this one, Id fucking be there. But I cant, so Im stuck in a thankless rut, as the bottom fucking rung, and my only saving grace is I get to see all the other animals people have and I cant have.

Life isnt fucking fair, but everyone gets a break once in a while. Where the fuck is mine?

Too Fucking Long

So my friends bird, who I've known since the day we bought him, Philip Whil Wheaton, passed away yesterday. His kisses always hurt, and I remember the time he just started laughing for no reason for an hour, Im gonna miss him :[

Also, Peter Steele died. For real this time. I always wanted to do a TON cover, but I wasnt sure if anyone was into them, but seeing the reaction from my friends, now if I do do a cover, I'll look like some trendy scene fag :/

Anyway, nonstop work all weekend, and not in the mood to deal with the retarded shit of retarded people. Maybe getting a game this next week, to keep myself occupied.

Also, my trip to games day is kinda bust since everyone is going to my friends wedding. Id go too, but its in London, and my family cant even afford to send just me. So as much as Id love to go to his wedding, I wont be able to, and since my ride is going, Im stuck in NH. Kinda gay :/ Why have a wedding in another country when 3/4 the people attending cant afford to make the trip?

Oh well, something will get done, and hopefully they get all thier families to go.