Why I dont celebrate holidays

Well, since people keep asking me why Im recording with Chris instead of going to church and hanging with my family, I might as well post this.

I hate holidays. Any and all of them. They are a pointless marketing ploy. Theyre filled with greed and sadness.

Im recording and not celebrating easter because its like thanksgiving, you have to have something to appreciate and be thankful for. I have nothing to be thankful for. Im not in good health, Im always bitter, Im getting treated like shit all the fucking time at work, and I cant ever catch a desperately needed break, especially when Im on meds for this reason. I hate so many people and things, I hate dealing with these egotistical fucks I work with who know nothing about thier fucking job and who think theyre the god of the store, and I cant stand living in this world.

When I had sever depression in highschool, I used to have suicidal thoughts. Shit like, would it really fucking matter if I was dead? Other than the huge hole in my parents wallets for sticking my ass in the ground, what would fucking matter? Honestly, I thought about these things. I still do. I cant see much changing except half the world having one less name on thier fucking tongues to bitch about. One less person to clog up their minds and one less person to have do thier jobs.

I see christmas as useless. Its all greed and money. My parents always say itll get smaller this year. I tell them to get me a card, a shirt, some pants and socks. thats all I need. Anything I want, I will work hard for. Thats what we all do anyway isnt it?

As for religion, I have no idea. I dont even know anything anymore. I dont know what to believe. All the suffering I have to go through, just to go to the next level of shit, and yet once in a very long while, Im talking decades so far, theres something that happens that keeps me binded to my faith. I dont know what to believe or what I believe anymore.

All I know is, I hate holidays, Im bitter, jaded, and always angry, and I hate. I hate and hate and hate. Ive given up on loving cuz it just ends the same with me. Hatred.

I can only hope for a quick end, cuz I cant fucking stand being around these fucking useless people anymore. They make me fucking sick. I wish they would just fucking fade away. I cant stand dealing with these fucking kids and thier little whiny bullshit. In the end, everyone always sees, wow, reg had a point about this.

I know. Cuz I know people. I tend to think like them sometimes. Hard to believe I can be human sometimes, I know, but I dont just say things to hear myself speak.

Anxiety

It sucks. It isn't just a little flutter in my stomach. It's a deep, painful gash in my fucking life.

I don't just use it as an excuse, my anxiety is crippling to the point where I in fact miss a lot of oppertunities in my life because I'm so sick from it.

Puking isnt fun. Feeling like you're gonna 24/7 gets old very fast. Having to change everything about your life so you don't end up in the hospital is very hard.

Having to take very expensive pills every fucking day, and then go see someone every 3 weeks to get more, pay more, and maybe have to take more really puts a hamper on life.

Dreading every meal, every snack, every single social aspect, from going to a party with friends to simply going to fill up my tank, I have to live in fear of puking my guts out, not being able to hold in that lovely meal, and not be crippled enough to see friends I rarely get to see.

Meeting new people is very hard because I can't really chat with them if I'm puking/shitting my fuckin guts.

So yeah, next time you all wanna say, hey, you'll be fine, you take a step back, and fuck yourself.

I won't be ok. I'm not ok, nor have I been for years. This isn't something I can just get over. I've been living with it. It's a fucking curse, a burden. It's something I will always have to deal with if I expect to live past 30.

Fuck yourself if you think life is peachy or that I can use it as an excuse. It's not an excuse, it's not a ticket to a fucking free day off. It's a reason to sit with my head in a bucket for 2 hours and hope I don't lose more weight so I don't have tubes in my fucking arms to feed me. It's a daily struggle so I don't need serious medical attention, whether it be physical or psycholigical.

Eat shit.

And When The World Turns It's Back On You

That's when you'll know.

That's when you'll fucking know that you've got the world in the palm of your hands.

I believe I did the right thing.

I did what I had to to protect everyone.

And now we wait...

As for those that turned on me, you have nothing to say for yourselves now.

You made me your pariah, but if all goes right, I will be your savior.

Never Give Up

I will never give up.

Even during the times when I'm feeling useless, downtrodden, and would be better off dead, I will NEVER stop trying. I will never give up.

If my friends think that me getting fired means thats it, they're wrong. I won't rest until this is solved. Even if we've had our arguments and shit, I still consider them all friends, and therefor, something I care for.

I will not stop making music, just because I'm not good at it, and just cuz shows make me sick to my stomach cuz of my anxiety, I will always try to go, play, whatever.

Just because my art is childish looking since I never practice, I will never give it up, and I will get better at it.

And just because I am most likely going to be fired, I will not stop. The whole reason I'm doing this is to help make everything more bearable and so everyone can get the job done.

I will NEVER give up.

Even if everyone gives up on me.

Good

Have you ever questioned yourself and asked,

"Am I doing the right thing?"

"Is this worth it?"

"Why should I even bother?"

I'm having that trouble right now.

oh hai

Finally.

Writing.

Thinking of the future.

Bleak.

So drained.

Being sapped of life.

So tired.

Tomorrow is another day.

/co/ Is Love

So, as per usual, I was browsing /co/ looking for some interesting discussions to lurk, cool new backgrounds, etc.

I came across a thread that had links. Right away, Im intrigued as to what I can get for free from the internet.

As I looked, links were to amazon.com. Didnt understand.

I scrolled quickly and glanced, noticing that they were apparently wish lists.

I grew puzzled.

Later on in the night, I saw the thread was still up, and had a bevvy of comments.

People who had made these wishlists, or came across them even, were buying some of the things for complete strangers online for christmas. With thier own money.

As I read through, and came across a couple other threads, people who made the wishlists were too poor/no family or friends/whatever reason to get gifts, and apparently, it was a yearly tradition on /co/ to give gifts to people. Some people were discussing that they got a confirmation that it was sent and that theyre very greatful to have someone think of them on christmas, even if its from someone in some far part of the world, others said that it didnt show as bought, but were greatful for the effort of trying to give instead of recieve.

This touched me. Never have I been so moved by something as random as a 4chan board and people being kind to each other in a harsh time for some. People randomly spending thier money for complete strangers out of the kindness of thier hearts to bring some joy and cheer to someone else who needs it more. If I had the finances, I would participate and help someone have a little joy in thier holiday, but it proved something to me.

Humanity may not be lost.

As much as a hateful, angry prick I am, I have a heart. And the fact that people can organize a yearly event and bring joy to those less fortunate, out of sheer random acts of kindness and caring, its almost unfathomable.

I guess theyre completely right. No matter what the opinions, tastes, etc.

/co/ is love.

Sick again

As usual, every year, I get sick on xmas. I woke up around 130 sweating and shivering like I was in the arctic, covered up in multitudes of layers, work up at 2 (or rather, got up since I didnt sleep at this point) and threw up water every hour til 8am, then in a semi-comatose state, passed out. Ive been asleep/in some sort of micro-nap or coma ish thing all day, feeling worse. Held down some penut butter, crackers, bread, water and pedealyte pops, and have a 3 hout shift tomorrow morning to impress a big wig at work. I dont wanna let my boss down, but I feel like death. We'll see what happens.

I can only hope to feel better and get ready for sundays shift.

So lousy.

Break Down Walls

Im always putting myself out there, and just when I think I'll be ok, something happens. Or in this case, nothing happened.

Of course the girls Im swooning over never go online, and thats kinda all I do. Yeah.

So uh, things clearly never going in my favor, and I dont like my life's direction. I know Im the only one who can change it, but whats the fucking point if each road leads to a lonely end?

Maybe things will get better one they get online, see Im a nice guy, etc.

I can only hope.

Wow Im Retarded

This is me.

Cuz I dont grasp that people have other shit to do.

Anyway, glad things are back to normal, glad people understand Im stupid, and give me more chances than I should get.

Love you all.

Oh, also, I plan on being hammered this weekend.

Yes.

Better updates to come.

I Just Dont Care Anymore, Sometimes

Eh, weird shit lately. Friends are unemployed, Im trying to use some usefull info I have to save a litter of puppies, random people, random IMs and messages, and somehow people seem to value my, uh, existance.

Strange.

Been working very hard at trying to stay positive and get things I want done, but Im far too nihilistic now to really give a shit, yet, at the same time, knowing that some people think if me and IM me or text or call out of the blue really picks me up, but also makes me see Im only tolerable in small doses, and that I really am lonely.

So, I have a long week ahead of me, and it will end with me being equally as lonely and fuckin workin my ass off for people who dont like me.

Welcome to my life.

A Prayer Or Two

I usually dont say much about my faith. I usually dont pray much either. Especially as of late, with all the sickening things that have gone on and will continue to happen, its hard for me to be a 'believer' sometimes.

But tonite, even when hanging with all my friends, I was bummed. A lot is happening, and for once, it isnt to me.

The castle has financial issues, ones Im hoping my small effort can help correct.

AAC is in like a week and Im pretty sure Im literally working and then not hanging with anyone the whole time. Wish I had money and some more friends to hang with, but at the moment, things would be very awkward for me...

Kaitlyns dog is pregnant. And she was vaccinated while pregnant. The puppies may not make it. And if they do, where to house them. And if something happens to the mother or the puppies, how much of a toll will that take on everyone?

Various happenings with friends. Some are bummed, some are unemployed, some are just flat out puzzling to me, and refuse to open up. Ironically, this gives me a refreshing look on how good I have it.

If my friends would just let me help them, talk to me, hell, SOMETHING, maybe they would feel better. Maybe my small part, just listening, let alone trying to help, would make them feel better knowing they have someone there to help and not judge or say whatever.

I always wondered why anyone, and I mean ANYONE is friends with me. Im rude, annoying, etc etc etc with the self loathing, but I do care. Everyone in life has a purpose, maybe this is mine, my small part is to fruitlessly try to help people I care about, make them hate me somehow by helping, and live in solitude.

Im sure once a lot of people get to know me more intimately, theyd see I am a monster, but one who at least gives a fuck about how they feel and what they have to say.

Ive clearly given up on doing anything good for this world, making something of myself, but I havent given up being everyones best friend, the go-to guy, the one you can count on to listen and help, or at the very least try.

Its fucking aggrivating sometimes when being there for someone is basically like being the rain; people curse it despite its neccesity.

So all in all, even though so much is wrong lately, I find myself thinking, praying, that things go right. Not for me, for everyone else.

I pray that my friends get the money they need to keep living, I pray that my friends dog has healthy puppies and they are able to find good homes for them, I pray that the rest of my friends would open up and talk to me, shoot me a text sometimes, and say hey, Im doin better, thanks for listening.

A thankless job indeed, but Id rather help for nothing than make matters worse for something.

Just wanted to let you all know, you mean a lot to me. I know some of you may not even think this means you, but it does. Everyone I know and talk to means something to me, and I hope that more people can open up and let me at least listen.

Im always a text or call away, since my phone is never off and Im online like 24/7.

Thanks.

So much weird shit

Trippy.

Detected.

Realize a lot more.

More confidence, less heartache, less worry, less lonely, more active, youll find happiness.

I miss all my friends

i hope to do something pre/post yomise'

hopin to have days off from work to hang/drink/game/etc :]

plus you all can learn a bit more about me.

tired, etc, peace.

AAC Is Soon

So AAC (Another Anime Con) is comin up. I know about 80% of my friends could give a shit less, so this is for everyone else.

I never go to cons at all. Ever. I go to the AAC Yomise (I work it for the stores owner) only cuz I have a source of power. I position that I cant be removed from. I avoid them like the plague due to many things. Mostly because so many people who hate me go, and will stop at nothing to make everyone believe the lies they tell and get me in trouble, thrown out, police problems, etc.

First off, a few of my exs go. Already that spells trouble. Ive been harassed by the cops so much because theyre always calling about things I never do. Its rediculous.

Next, a few people who I know dont like me that much, from various points in my life from high school to recently will be working and attending. Also, not havin that for me.

Finally, since these people are going, the few friends i have that dont hate me that ARE going will be having fun and making tons of inside jokes, remarks, and many other things that are over my fucking head. I dont watch a lot of anime. Ive seen maybe 2 movies that were subtitled. It was fun, but I prefer english dubs. Its a culture thing for me, Im able to understand and relate to the characters more since they speak a language I understand.

A couple friends of mine have even tried to get me to work at them, running security so if any of my exs or the people who dont like me start any shit, i can just kick them out. I decided against it so I dont have to deal with them at all. Knowing them theyd get the police to shut down the con itself, and after the shit theyve pulled already, its not unlikely.

Its sad, really, that I dont live my life the way I want. I dont want to miss out on good times with friends, I dont want to not be able to relax, have a laugh and experience something new. But I dont, I cant, and I wont anytime soon.

It sucks, Id like to be able to hang with all my friends, the ones I know at the castle, the ones I made at the past 2-3 Yomise's, but Im pretty sure Im not gonna be seeing any vendors for a long time :[

Thats why Im always so annoying and tryin to hang with some of my anime friends. Cuz the only time I can see them is at these events, and the only ones I met them at, some people ended up not likin me too much since my exs were goin around sayin Im a rapist and Im some abusive fuck.

I am a HUGE pussy, my little sister can kick my ass, this is certain. Im a nice guy, Im a virgin, and Im very respectful of people. Unfortunately, since most anime kids are so quick to believe ANYTHING, it ended up not being a very good night. I made a few great friends who Ive kept in contact with, be it through facebook alone :/

Sometimes I wish I was a little tougher, not so frail and weak, not so fucked up in the head, stomach, etc. But this is how it is.

I hope some of ya will hang once in a while, I mean, not like I have any grand plans :/

Sometimes I forget

That Im not living a life of "normality", that the fair maiden wont be mine eventually, that I wont be saving anyone, and I will be the one who is defeated.

I sometimes wish I wasnt myself. Sometimes that I could forget everyone and everything, start fresh, not have any bad memories of heartbreak, betrayal, not be so paranoid, remeet everyone and hopefully NOT fuck it up.

I mean, Im glad I have a lot more time to myself, and that Im on a creative roll, Im somewhat happier around people. But Im also sad that I cant hang with my friends sometimes, that they dont like me, and just put up with me like soooooooooooo many before. I cant help it with my paranoid self, but thats how I feel. I may be happy, but once Im alone I miss everyone, I long for the companionship I never had, and I certainly with some aspects of my romantic life were...uh, better?

All Im trying to do is be the great friend, the one who you can wake up at 4am and talk to so you feel better, who can try and give advice and help your problems, and who will take the time to listen and care, and not judge you.

Meh, not like that ever happens.

So Much Better

I feel amazingly better.

Needed a night with my best friend and some drinks to clear my head.

Gained confidence, opened up, felt happy for like, the first time in forever. A weight has been lifted. I was able to shove all nerves and my paranoia aside to confront whats been in my heart, and get it all laid out.

I can finally take my life back.

100%

Thanks to all my friends. Everyone. Work, gamers, otaku, best friends, everyone.

Just In Case You're Wondering.

If anyone was wondering why Im always hounding everyone I know to hang, its cuz Im never depressed and whiny when Im hanging with people. Plus I love to hang in groups.

So sorry to everyone who recieves texts between midnite and 4am askin if they wanna make plans. I never know anyones schedule and Im generally always free unless Im workin, which isnt all too much.

Sorry if it bugs people, but its the easiest way for me to cheer up. Plus I wanna get to know people more.

Its Over

I cant do it anymore. I cant pretend nothing is wrong, or that i have it under control.

My mood changed so much today. I went from tired, to angry, depressed, happy, carefree, helpful, loving, to depressed, enraged, and finally hopeless.

Its official. My depression has spiralled out of control. I cant stay the same way for more than a half hour without someone or something changing my mood.

I give up. I cant win. I thought I could take back my life but I cant. Ive tried to be optimistic, to see the good, but it just backfires and fucked me up more.

Im not sure what to do, but I know that Im gonna be fucked. Its the end. I cant joyride on my little happiness.

Im not sure whats gonna happen, but one things for sure.

Ill see you fucks in the gutter.

Post 50, Funniest thing tonite

Funniest thing, me and Chris went to the 24/7 rite aid. he had his finger holding onto a shelf of gum while i was about to pay, I said, careful there, he looks at me with the straightest face and says, no going anywhere. We both proceed to laugh through me paying and out 2 blocks down the street cracking up, crying from laughing, and nearly pissing myself from the random situation of it all. Funniest thing in my life.

Also, this.

I Hate Being Sick

Sick again. Stomach virus. Cant keep much in my stomach before it uh...decides to come out.

So anyway, if I do go into work tomorrow, Im gonna be giving my boss a piece of my mind. Even the other managers are sick of her schedule meddling.

Everyone of my friends there is fucking miserable. Bri is sick and theyre harrassing her, they make Hope stay for like 8 hours, Mel and Amanda have paperwork that cant get done cuz the boss dont schedule in enough cashiers so they have to in addition to trying to make the quota for selling classes, other Amanda was on meds for a sliced open hand/finger and they still made her stay an extra 2 1/2 hours cuz they didnt schedule other people in.

Everyone is miserable, and yet Im the ONLY one who has the guts to say something to thier face. I dont blame everyone though. They NEED the job, whether it be to support a family, pay bills, or live themselves, they cant afford to lose it, so they go along with it grudgingly. I however dont need it. Im not paid enough to take thier shit. If I get fired, its not a big deal, I get another job and put down the old boss for a reference. Either way, Im gonna stand up to her cuz she shouldnt be doing this to people, especially when she knows she has power over them since we're all expendable now, considering she hired 7 new people.

As I said, I dont blame everyone for not saying anything. If I were in their situation where I needed 2 jobs to make a living and support myself, animals, pay rent, help friends, etc, Id be apprehensive about a certain confrontation.

But Im not living alone or with friends. I dont have animals to take care of. I dont pay any bills. Most of my friends consider me lucky that I have it easy. Its not all its cracked up to be. Im never gonna be any of the things I aspire for, and Im ok with this. But if I can make a small difference so that my friends at my store can have an easier time, able to be flexible for family, friends, school, other jobs, then Im willing to risk my job to bitch out my boss and tell her that its unfair to make people stay and put people on for when they dont have to be there, not tell them, and bitch them out. Its rediculous.

Anyway, I work 9-330 tomorrow. It may be my last time, if Im well enough to go in at all.

I can only hope to get her to see shes making everyone want to quit.

And I can only hope that I will be able to come in and see my friends and these wonderful animals in the future.

God help me.