Oh Insomnia

Insomnia, my friend, when I have to work 8-9 hour shifts everyday til thursday starting last friday, I dont need a visit from you.

Women as usual.

Work sucks. I want a transfer. I cant put up with some of my coworkers utter incompetance and laziness. The last straw was when I was doing trash and a bag ripped open dripping cat piss all over my arm. Fucking disgusting. That fuck was supposed to help me, instead he dicked around then left.

I dont think Ill ever GET women, both metaphorically, physically, and psychologically.

Bah, once I can rest, not wake up for an hour every 5 minutes, and not feel sick to my stomach cuz of my paying job 24/7, then I wont complain. But until then, Im gonna be holding back vomit and rage all at once.

Been a bit

I have ideas. Ideas that I like, am proud of, and hopefully will act on.

Im gonna start makin notes and here and there doing shitty little sketches. And I mean shitty.

Im not proud of my art, as a matter of fact, I HATE IT. But if it means I have to put more work, well, I didnt get this far and am still alive, why not try harder?

Music is gonna be good too. Im excited for it.

Right now, as much as I think Im ready, that my heart is ready, my entire being, I dont think I wanna try to pursue women for a while. Its too much stress on me, and I need this full time that I better get.

I know all my friends have my back, but I dont know if I can keep my cool. I have good patience, but thats for everyone else, not myself. If I cant get something to be good, I give up. Maybe its time I change that.

I still am pissed that I need to have a fucking computer in front of me to draw right. I need to look at some of my old how to books for comics, animation, and realistic drawing.

Heres to trying and failing miserably.

/co/ Is Love

So, as per usual, I was browsing /co/ looking for some interesting discussions to lurk, cool new backgrounds, etc.

I came across a thread that had links. Right away, Im intrigued as to what I can get for free from the internet.

As I looked, links were to amazon.com. Didnt understand.

I scrolled quickly and glanced, noticing that they were apparently wish lists.

I grew puzzled.

Later on in the night, I saw the thread was still up, and had a bevvy of comments.

People who had made these wishlists, or came across them even, were buying some of the things for complete strangers online for christmas. With thier own money.

As I read through, and came across a couple other threads, people who made the wishlists were too poor/no family or friends/whatever reason to get gifts, and apparently, it was a yearly tradition on /co/ to give gifts to people. Some people were discussing that they got a confirmation that it was sent and that theyre very greatful to have someone think of them on christmas, even if its from someone in some far part of the world, others said that it didnt show as bought, but were greatful for the effort of trying to give instead of recieve.

This touched me. Never have I been so moved by something as random as a 4chan board and people being kind to each other in a harsh time for some. People randomly spending thier money for complete strangers out of the kindness of thier hearts to bring some joy and cheer to someone else who needs it more. If I had the finances, I would participate and help someone have a little joy in thier holiday, but it proved something to me.

Humanity may not be lost.

As much as a hateful, angry prick I am, I have a heart. And the fact that people can organize a yearly event and bring joy to those less fortunate, out of sheer random acts of kindness and caring, its almost unfathomable.

I guess theyre completely right. No matter what the opinions, tastes, etc.

/co/ is love.

Update

Poppin back in.

Temporarily giving up on love to be a good friend to some of mine that need it.

Gamin nonstop.

Working a metric fuckton.

Writing.

And oh yeah, being me :]

Too Late

So a lot has happened, and I realized a lot.

I lost some people I truly cared about because they were too shallow or too stupid to understand the concept of companionship or friendship.

And I realized, although perhaps too late, who really means a lot to me.

Im gonna try and set things right, but Im not sure how it will go :/

Failure

I have finally accepted myself as a failure. Not at everything, despite what I choose to think about myself, but in art.

I was at work on break the other day, and I sat there with my sketchbook, ready with ideas flowing, creative juices doing thier thing. But nothing came out. Not a line.

As I went back on register, and had done my tasks for the night, I grabbed a small piece of trash paper and tried to draw something. The second I saw this was nothing what the original picture, in my head or how it was originally drawn, looked like, I tore it to shreds and threw it away.

I cant draw a single good looking thing without having some sort of reference in front of me.

This means computer, book, comic, etc. Cant do anything by memory alone and not let it look like a 6 year old drew it.

This realization at first infuriated me (in addition to having a shitty day at work, literally, mopping shit up with only one coworker who's always a kind woman to say thank you) but then depressed me.

I remember a comic then, and how one character had a tiny little netbook. Maybe I could get one and bring it with me, to use for drawing, have tons of refs on it, wifi, etc.

Idk, but Im writing an ep/album/whatever about my failures and its frustrations.

Also, I hate my job. The people there are miserable now, Im prolly up for a firing, and excluding a few of my friends, most of the store hates me.

So much hate going on right now, in addition to my own shitty luck with women, I find out numerous things regarding my friends, and how my allegiance was tested by World Whore.

First off, heres a few things we need to establish.

1-NEVER question my loyalty to my friends. EVER. You will regret it.

2-Dont you ever fucking say you are innocent. You're not. We're ALL guilty of something. I own up to it. I admit when Im wrong. You say all this shit about someone you used to be friends with and then just run away from me, youre a fucking joke.

Ugh, rant over, fuck the world, the whores, the world whore, and life in general.

Long shift tomorrow, maybe take my mind off of things.

Or make it worse.

Break Down Walls

Im always putting myself out there, and just when I think I'll be ok, something happens. Or in this case, nothing happened.

Of course the girls Im swooning over never go online, and thats kinda all I do. Yeah.

So uh, things clearly never going in my favor, and I dont like my life's direction. I know Im the only one who can change it, but whats the fucking point if each road leads to a lonely end?

Maybe things will get better one they get online, see Im a nice guy, etc.

I can only hope.

World Whore 4

You sicken me.

You said you were honest, but truly, its a lie. I was foolish to think you could ever be a true friend.

You said you were giving me a warning, telling me about someone I hardly knew, well, I think you were really talking about yourself.

I stuck my neck out for you, defended you, and stood against the tide that said you were a terrible person, and told them they were wrong. I gave you the benefit of the doubt, and yet in return I get nothing but a cold shoulder and your sudden ignorance.

You lied, with every breath you took, saying how I was a good person and how Im a good friend, when the only time I was ever a speck in your universe was when you got to chop someone down a peg without telling me anything of importance. You used me to feed your hatred for someone, and then you continued on as if I never existed.

You're the one who should feel sorry, not me. You're the one who is missing out on having true and noble kindness in your corner, you're the one who lives a life of excess and greed, you're the one, so vain, you cant settle down with just one person, the one who loves to manipulate but hates to be manipulated.

I thought you were different, but you're not, you're just the same type of scum like the rest of them. You use me for whatever sick purpose I serve you and then cast me aside as if you never had anything to do with me.

You're nothing but a self-centered whore, and you wouldn't know true happiness if it shot you square between the eyes.

Im glad Im not a part of your life, cuz the only woman I want in my life is someone who isnt as big a whore or as selfish, evasive, and keniving as you.

I will not falter cuz of you, I will stand and walk head held high and I will find someone who is worth the time and effort that you took from me, never bothering to return.

You will never find happiness.

Fuck you.

Somedays

I wish I could just disappear.

All the people who have a place in my heart have grown to hate me, more than anyone. I dunno why, but it makes me feel like shit.

This is why Im always so negative and angry, cuz its a waste. People I care for, love, hold dear, and try and help out before myself, they end up hating me and being a waste of time.

I wish theyd see how good a friend I am. I was always there to talk to when things were wrong, there to try and help make things better, I tried to help everyone I could, didnt care too much about what happened to me as a result, ended up just somehow fucking things up and making people hate me, despite my good natured heart and kindness.

If you see me and I act like a dick, now you know why. I tried to be a nice guy, I tried to be different, but I cant let my guard down for anyone anymore, cuz I end up getting fucked over again and again and again.

I hate saying this, but I love you so much I hate you, and vice versa.

A Question About Love

Detected.

So a friend posted a status that said, Here's a question-How many times have you fallen in love?

Being detected and sentimental as i am, it got me thinking. How many times?

After a quick count, 7.

7. I can remember only bad times with them. It was terrible. I always thought things would get better, and they never did. I wasted years on these people, only for them to turn on me and use me or cheat on me.

Recently, Ive thought I was in love, but it turns out to be one sided infatuation.

I added a ton of new people to make friends with on facebook, be a nice guy, maybe find someone who's into me, but still being talked to like im a bad guy.

I know Im a monster, cuz I say horrible things and have the opinion of death himself, but I ama caring and loving guy.

I dunno why people sometimes cant be straight up with me, or for that matter tell me WHY they dont like me, but whatever. Im trying to find a girl who will appreciate me for me and who wont change or make me change and be themselves.

So far, this goes with no results and many a day wasted trying to hang with people whom i either would like to get to know or who already have my heart.

This inspires me to write another song.

I dunno, it cant be love if Im the only one who cares. I guess in that case, Ive never been IN love since no one loves me, Ive only ever had feelings for someone who either didnt care or secretely hated me. It seems history repeats itself.

Its happening again, tenfold.

I dunno what to do, or how to tell them, or what, but my heart is splitting, such women who have a place in my mind each day.

I wish people would give me a chance to show them im not the monster i think i am, but thats not happening anytime soon since no one wants to even let me try to be a good guy.

I think its time for bed. If I keep up the sentimental crap, im gonna be cryin by the end of this.

Which would do me some good.

Ignoring

Is this some fucking mind game? Anytime someone wants something or its important, they talk to me, but when im trying to be a good friend, no answer, i dont exist.

"Hey, I know its really none of my business"

Well, it isnt, but the fact youre making it yours and that you can be honest with me is refreshing, cuz at least someone cares.

Now whyd you bother telling me this if im always avoided or ignored? what was the point?

Why did i spend so much time trying to help these animals when you dont even respond to life or death info?

Why do i exist when you need something, but never when i wanna hang?

so fed up with every single one of my friends doin shit like this. im happy that im worth the time to worry about, tell important info, or important and nice enough to help you out, but when Im extending a caring hand to you with the guarenteed promise of being the best friend I can, and its not even met with a smile or acknowledgement, that hurts.

Im not sure what kind of headgames my friends are playin on me, but it aint fun.

Gah, thinkin too much, so much bad shits goin down, and I dont mean to sound like a dick or take it out on them, and I dont want to, Id just like straight answers, not aversions or the classic "i dunno" like I use.

If honesty is the best policy, why is my ass so honest, yet cant recieve it in the least?

Well, from some people....others have always been honest and that means a lot, even if it was only to spare some feelings of awkwardness.

Maybe more writing will help.

Oh, and listening to Manson all week. Old school shit. Makes me feel better. Its like listening to the blues for me.

I Just Dont Care Anymore, Sometimes

Eh, weird shit lately. Friends are unemployed, Im trying to use some usefull info I have to save a litter of puppies, random people, random IMs and messages, and somehow people seem to value my, uh, existance.

Strange.

Been working very hard at trying to stay positive and get things I want done, but Im far too nihilistic now to really give a shit, yet, at the same time, knowing that some people think if me and IM me or text or call out of the blue really picks me up, but also makes me see Im only tolerable in small doses, and that I really am lonely.

So, I have a long week ahead of me, and it will end with me being equally as lonely and fuckin workin my ass off for people who dont like me.

Welcome to my life.

A Prayer Or Two

I usually dont say much about my faith. I usually dont pray much either. Especially as of late, with all the sickening things that have gone on and will continue to happen, its hard for me to be a 'believer' sometimes.

But tonite, even when hanging with all my friends, I was bummed. A lot is happening, and for once, it isnt to me.

The castle has financial issues, ones Im hoping my small effort can help correct.

AAC is in like a week and Im pretty sure Im literally working and then not hanging with anyone the whole time. Wish I had money and some more friends to hang with, but at the moment, things would be very awkward for me...

Kaitlyns dog is pregnant. And she was vaccinated while pregnant. The puppies may not make it. And if they do, where to house them. And if something happens to the mother or the puppies, how much of a toll will that take on everyone?

Various happenings with friends. Some are bummed, some are unemployed, some are just flat out puzzling to me, and refuse to open up. Ironically, this gives me a refreshing look on how good I have it.

If my friends would just let me help them, talk to me, hell, SOMETHING, maybe they would feel better. Maybe my small part, just listening, let alone trying to help, would make them feel better knowing they have someone there to help and not judge or say whatever.

I always wondered why anyone, and I mean ANYONE is friends with me. Im rude, annoying, etc etc etc with the self loathing, but I do care. Everyone in life has a purpose, maybe this is mine, my small part is to fruitlessly try to help people I care about, make them hate me somehow by helping, and live in solitude.

Im sure once a lot of people get to know me more intimately, theyd see I am a monster, but one who at least gives a fuck about how they feel and what they have to say.

Ive clearly given up on doing anything good for this world, making something of myself, but I havent given up being everyones best friend, the go-to guy, the one you can count on to listen and help, or at the very least try.

Its fucking aggrivating sometimes when being there for someone is basically like being the rain; people curse it despite its neccesity.

So all in all, even though so much is wrong lately, I find myself thinking, praying, that things go right. Not for me, for everyone else.

I pray that my friends get the money they need to keep living, I pray that my friends dog has healthy puppies and they are able to find good homes for them, I pray that the rest of my friends would open up and talk to me, shoot me a text sometimes, and say hey, Im doin better, thanks for listening.

A thankless job indeed, but Id rather help for nothing than make matters worse for something.

Just wanted to let you all know, you mean a lot to me. I know some of you may not even think this means you, but it does. Everyone I know and talk to means something to me, and I hope that more people can open up and let me at least listen.

Im always a text or call away, since my phone is never off and Im online like 24/7.

Thanks.

Sometimes I forget

That Im not living a life of "normality", that the fair maiden wont be mine eventually, that I wont be saving anyone, and I will be the one who is defeated.

I sometimes wish I wasnt myself. Sometimes that I could forget everyone and everything, start fresh, not have any bad memories of heartbreak, betrayal, not be so paranoid, remeet everyone and hopefully NOT fuck it up.

I mean, Im glad I have a lot more time to myself, and that Im on a creative roll, Im somewhat happier around people. But Im also sad that I cant hang with my friends sometimes, that they dont like me, and just put up with me like soooooooooooo many before. I cant help it with my paranoid self, but thats how I feel. I may be happy, but once Im alone I miss everyone, I long for the companionship I never had, and I certainly with some aspects of my romantic life were...uh, better?

All Im trying to do is be the great friend, the one who you can wake up at 4am and talk to so you feel better, who can try and give advice and help your problems, and who will take the time to listen and care, and not judge you.

Meh, not like that ever happens.

So Much Better

I feel amazingly better.

Needed a night with my best friend and some drinks to clear my head.

Gained confidence, opened up, felt happy for like, the first time in forever. A weight has been lifted. I was able to shove all nerves and my paranoia aside to confront whats been in my heart, and get it all laid out.

I can finally take my life back.

100%

Thanks to all my friends. Everyone. Work, gamers, otaku, best friends, everyone.

Its Over

I cant do it anymore. I cant pretend nothing is wrong, or that i have it under control.

My mood changed so much today. I went from tired, to angry, depressed, happy, carefree, helpful, loving, to depressed, enraged, and finally hopeless.

Its official. My depression has spiralled out of control. I cant stay the same way for more than a half hour without someone or something changing my mood.

I give up. I cant win. I thought I could take back my life but I cant. Ive tried to be optimistic, to see the good, but it just backfires and fucked me up more.

Im not sure what to do, but I know that Im gonna be fucked. Its the end. I cant joyride on my little happiness.

Im not sure whats gonna happen, but one things for sure.

Ill see you fucks in the gutter.

Round 2 for Venting

First off, this isnt about the girl I work with, or the other girl who works at a diff store, this is about all the bullshit I have to put up with and the fact that words are the only safe way for me to vent.

No one Im friends with is best friends with anyone else. Everyone hates each other. Fuck you all for not getting along for the sake of friendship and kindness.

Next up, I definately hate my boss. I went in to see if I started my shift at 5 or 530, and saw she had hand written me to work thursday. This was after I had asked her if this was the completed schedule and she said yes. So not only did she schedule me for a day I wasnt supposed to work, NO ONE FUCKING TOLD ME!

Tomorrow Im going to be having some words with her, and will not be showing up thurs, if at all if I get fired.

I hate how people bitch at me cuz I smoke. I FUCKING SMOKE AND DRINK SO FUCKING WHAT?! I dont bitch at anyone else cuz of thier weight, sex, whorishness, religion, what band they like, etc. I taught myself to live and let live.

I know smoking doesnt calm really, but it helps take my mind off of things, relax.

Yknow why Im always a miserable shit? I have so much pressure on me. I need to get a new car, figure out how to do my own banking and taxes, eventually move out, etc. In addition I dont have a career. Im too fucking stupid to be a teacher, Im not a good artist or musician. I have NOTHING! Im just a fuckin guy who does shit to get by. I need to make more money.

I asked one of my bosses what the qualifications to be put into petcare, which has more hours and better stuff. After listing them off, she turned around and said oh, and retention of knowledge, aka, you dont stand a fucking chance of getting that job.

So Im gonna be stuck as a fucking cashier in that place until I get fired or quit.

I love my job, and I love all the people I work with, but goddamn, you people assume you know me.

The other day when work was mad shitty and I was so busy I wanted to cry, my foot started hurting, causing me to limp. Now, Ive had foot problems since I was 11, and I get serious foot cramps which make me sit and massage my foot or my entire leg ends up cramping. In addition to this, my 3 sprained fingers are still acting up, and Im pretty sure I did something to my rotator cuff, which scares the shit out of me since my dads been through that shit and he hasnt been the same since.

So anyway, one of the girls in petcare said oh reg quit fucking faking it in front of me and a customer. I told her shouldnt you be bagging fish? I dont fake shit. I dont want sympathy or to have an excuse to not do something, I do all that I can and more. But it worries me that if I did do something to my shoulder or my feet are starting to act up, that I could be out of a job at 21 due to disability. And yes, Im assuming the worst, as that is usually the case.

I hate that everyone has such negative shit to say about everyone. I may have my dislikes of people, but I bitch and then let it go, cuz we're only fucking human.

I hate how people rarely talk to me outside my job. When I got introduced to everyone, that makes them a friend, not a coworker only.

I dunno, so much shit has gone on lately, I need to relax and take a vaca out of state.

We'll see tomorrow if Im gonna be employed or not to permit this.

Fuck It.

Since I know no one reads this fuckin thing, I can fuckin vent.

I have a HUGE fuckin crush on a girl at my work, and it drives me fuckin insane since I know she thinks im a fuckin creep, and I found out she likes someone else we work with, which could be fuckin anyone since shes bi. Goddamn I hate not knowing what to say or do. I try to get to know people, be a nice person, hell, even help people out, and nothing seems to at least get them to say, hey, this kids a nice guy. I mean, if I knew she wasnt interested in me at all and told me, Id get the fuck over it at least and ask if her and her friends wanted to just hang and grab a beer.

But I figure I have a chance, when I know in the tiniest part of the back of my head that she prolly knows someone who's friends with one of my ex's and was told all this bullshit that isnt true. Ive had a couple good friends from work tell me to look for someone else, but its not that simple for me. I have strange tastes, and its hard for me to find someone I actually like. I mean, most of my friends asked me how much meth i had to smoke after seeing my exs.

Finding someone who I like isnt as fucking easy as most people. I dont like those fuckin spoiled fucks, I dont like drama queens who think theyre the shit, and I HATE the fucks who have egos. I mean, it was fuckin 4 years since I found the last girl I liked, and she didnt have an interest, she told me straight up, and shes a good friend still. Honesty like that is what I appreciate. I got over it, fast, and shit, I helped hook her up with a job!

Im not like most other guys. They pretend to fuckin be interested in everything, going out of thier way to be the sweetest guy, fuck a girl until they get sick of her or find someone better and fuckin leave. I dont do hookups. I wait. Im a kind person. I always try to take an interest in shit other people like, thats how Ive become such an open and unique person.

Im a nice guy, with some anger issues, some violent thoughts, who loves every type of music out there, has many interests, and who always is kind, honest, and fun loving. Why the fuck cant I even get a fucking chance?

Is it cuz Im too 'real'? I dont censor myself, I dont put on a happy facade to please everyone, I dont agree with shit I honestly hate. Im my own person, I have my own likes and dislikes, Im not gonna be a different person for anyone. Censorship is a cancer.

Is it cuz Im not attractive? I know Im pretty ugly and fucking oddly shaped cuz Im OUT of shape, but Im not someone who wants looks to be perfect, for me or a lady.

Is it some random quirk? I dont fuck cuz I get reallt nervous, I need to get comfy, relax, known, and that can take months. My voice is fucking annoying even to me, so I always try to talk in a low raspy voice since I always think I sound like fozzy bear from the muppets. Im very self conscious about that and the fact that my right foot has to walk facing outward a bit or twisting it straight forward hurts up to my knee.

I have no talent, no skill, trade, intelligence, or anything. Nothing. Im not rich, Im not pretty, Im not sunshine and fucking butterflies. But Im kind. I listen, I care. Nowadays that doesnt mean much, but it means something to me.

Ive made a lot of mistakes in my life, and i have plenty of regrets. But right here, right now, once these fingers stop typing, the weight that has been lifted temporarily from typing this will come crashing on to my busted shoulders, and I will feel like shit, depressed, emotionless, hollow.

Now you know a bit more about me. I hope when you look at me, you see me as the fucking scum I am, and I hope you realize that this scum is better than any of the fucking pieces of shit out there.

Fuck it.

Fahkin Women

Ive never been any good with talking to women. Im as socially awkward as they come.

2 women occupy my mind. I really have no idea how to advance things here.

Fucking shit.

Everyone I Love Will Leave Me

And I will be alone.

My heart has expanded, another girl has joined in the fruitless search for the one to be with.

Each day and night I ponder if Im even a speck worthy of thier glimpse, or if Im nothing more than some guy who they know. My heart beats quickly, then drops as I realize my life is boring and they both have things aplenty to do in thier lives while I sit around nursing hurt feelings and a fucked up foot and shoulder.

I wish they would notice me. Im a sweet person, and I give everyone chances...