Been a bit

I have ideas. Ideas that I like, am proud of, and hopefully will act on.

Im gonna start makin notes and here and there doing shitty little sketches. And I mean shitty.

Im not proud of my art, as a matter of fact, I HATE IT. But if it means I have to put more work, well, I didnt get this far and am still alive, why not try harder?

Music is gonna be good too. Im excited for it.

Right now, as much as I think Im ready, that my heart is ready, my entire being, I dont think I wanna try to pursue women for a while. Its too much stress on me, and I need this full time that I better get.

I know all my friends have my back, but I dont know if I can keep my cool. I have good patience, but thats for everyone else, not myself. If I cant get something to be good, I give up. Maybe its time I change that.

I still am pissed that I need to have a fucking computer in front of me to draw right. I need to look at some of my old how to books for comics, animation, and realistic drawing.

Heres to trying and failing miserably.

Update

Poppin back in.

Temporarily giving up on love to be a good friend to some of mine that need it.

Gamin nonstop.

Working a metric fuckton.

Writing.

And oh yeah, being me :]

Failure

I have finally accepted myself as a failure. Not at everything, despite what I choose to think about myself, but in art.

I was at work on break the other day, and I sat there with my sketchbook, ready with ideas flowing, creative juices doing thier thing. But nothing came out. Not a line.

As I went back on register, and had done my tasks for the night, I grabbed a small piece of trash paper and tried to draw something. The second I saw this was nothing what the original picture, in my head or how it was originally drawn, looked like, I tore it to shreds and threw it away.

I cant draw a single good looking thing without having some sort of reference in front of me.

This means computer, book, comic, etc. Cant do anything by memory alone and not let it look like a 6 year old drew it.

This realization at first infuriated me (in addition to having a shitty day at work, literally, mopping shit up with only one coworker who's always a kind woman to say thank you) but then depressed me.

I remember a comic then, and how one character had a tiny little netbook. Maybe I could get one and bring it with me, to use for drawing, have tons of refs on it, wifi, etc.

Idk, but Im writing an ep/album/whatever about my failures and its frustrations.

Also, I hate my job. The people there are miserable now, Im prolly up for a firing, and excluding a few of my friends, most of the store hates me.

So much hate going on right now, in addition to my own shitty luck with women, I find out numerous things regarding my friends, and how my allegiance was tested by World Whore.

First off, heres a few things we need to establish.

1-NEVER question my loyalty to my friends. EVER. You will regret it.

2-Dont you ever fucking say you are innocent. You're not. We're ALL guilty of something. I own up to it. I admit when Im wrong. You say all this shit about someone you used to be friends with and then just run away from me, youre a fucking joke.

Ugh, rant over, fuck the world, the whores, the world whore, and life in general.

Long shift tomorrow, maybe take my mind off of things.

Or make it worse.

A Question About Love

Detected.

So a friend posted a status that said, Here's a question-How many times have you fallen in love?

Being detected and sentimental as i am, it got me thinking. How many times?

After a quick count, 7.

7. I can remember only bad times with them. It was terrible. I always thought things would get better, and they never did. I wasted years on these people, only for them to turn on me and use me or cheat on me.

Recently, Ive thought I was in love, but it turns out to be one sided infatuation.

I added a ton of new people to make friends with on facebook, be a nice guy, maybe find someone who's into me, but still being talked to like im a bad guy.

I know Im a monster, cuz I say horrible things and have the opinion of death himself, but I ama caring and loving guy.

I dunno why people sometimes cant be straight up with me, or for that matter tell me WHY they dont like me, but whatever. Im trying to find a girl who will appreciate me for me and who wont change or make me change and be themselves.

So far, this goes with no results and many a day wasted trying to hang with people whom i either would like to get to know or who already have my heart.

This inspires me to write another song.

I dunno, it cant be love if Im the only one who cares. I guess in that case, Ive never been IN love since no one loves me, Ive only ever had feelings for someone who either didnt care or secretely hated me. It seems history repeats itself.

Its happening again, tenfold.

I dunno what to do, or how to tell them, or what, but my heart is splitting, such women who have a place in my mind each day.

I wish people would give me a chance to show them im not the monster i think i am, but thats not happening anytime soon since no one wants to even let me try to be a good guy.

I think its time for bed. If I keep up the sentimental crap, im gonna be cryin by the end of this.

Which would do me some good.

Storm Wardens

So Ive decided to redo my marines. The Storm Wardens. Thier backstory is cool, and they fight worm people.

Been trying to figure out how to help out the castle (the game store I frequent) but so far I got nothing.

Im trying to organize get togethers for all my cosplay friends before and after AAC. Since I work down the road, it would be fun :]

Anyway, otherwise, writing more, painting and building more, giving a fuck and caring about people less.

I dont want to be the cold-hearted bastard, but some people....theyre pushing me into it.

Plus Im sick of being called/messaged/texted when they need something, never to hang or chat.

:/

AAC Is Soon

So AAC (Another Anime Con) is comin up. I know about 80% of my friends could give a shit less, so this is for everyone else.

I never go to cons at all. Ever. I go to the AAC Yomise (I work it for the stores owner) only cuz I have a source of power. I position that I cant be removed from. I avoid them like the plague due to many things. Mostly because so many people who hate me go, and will stop at nothing to make everyone believe the lies they tell and get me in trouble, thrown out, police problems, etc.

First off, a few of my exs go. Already that spells trouble. Ive been harassed by the cops so much because theyre always calling about things I never do. Its rediculous.

Next, a few people who I know dont like me that much, from various points in my life from high school to recently will be working and attending. Also, not havin that for me.

Finally, since these people are going, the few friends i have that dont hate me that ARE going will be having fun and making tons of inside jokes, remarks, and many other things that are over my fucking head. I dont watch a lot of anime. Ive seen maybe 2 movies that were subtitled. It was fun, but I prefer english dubs. Its a culture thing for me, Im able to understand and relate to the characters more since they speak a language I understand.

A couple friends of mine have even tried to get me to work at them, running security so if any of my exs or the people who dont like me start any shit, i can just kick them out. I decided against it so I dont have to deal with them at all. Knowing them theyd get the police to shut down the con itself, and after the shit theyve pulled already, its not unlikely.

Its sad, really, that I dont live my life the way I want. I dont want to miss out on good times with friends, I dont want to not be able to relax, have a laugh and experience something new. But I dont, I cant, and I wont anytime soon.

It sucks, Id like to be able to hang with all my friends, the ones I know at the castle, the ones I made at the past 2-3 Yomise's, but Im pretty sure Im not gonna be seeing any vendors for a long time :[

Thats why Im always so annoying and tryin to hang with some of my anime friends. Cuz the only time I can see them is at these events, and the only ones I met them at, some people ended up not likin me too much since my exs were goin around sayin Im a rapist and Im some abusive fuck.

I am a HUGE pussy, my little sister can kick my ass, this is certain. Im a nice guy, Im a virgin, and Im very respectful of people. Unfortunately, since most anime kids are so quick to believe ANYTHING, it ended up not being a very good night. I made a few great friends who Ive kept in contact with, be it through facebook alone :/

Sometimes I wish I was a little tougher, not so frail and weak, not so fucked up in the head, stomach, etc. But this is how it is.

I hope some of ya will hang once in a while, I mean, not like I have any grand plans :/

Mishuku

For those who dont know her, she's an artist who's forged her own style of art and unique take on it, using many different and new techniques, styles, and fashions.

She's making a graphic novel. I havent started a full sketch. That says something.

Time for my stupid ass to stop slacking off and do something. I have potential, but no motivation, and I cant get better and be a great artist if I dont practice. I mean, I been an art fan on DA of her and many other amazing artists for years, and they've always improved, except me.

Time to get on that shit. I wont slack off, I'll do my best, and fucking show people I can use my unique take on, everything really, to make a great comic.

New project

Haha, I used to have a million and one ideas for graphic novels/mangas, but never wanted to do the work cuz my stuff wasn't as good as the other shit you see in stores. But I realized I dont need to do fucking shit like everyone else, I do my own shit.

Also, I wanted to be a voice actor and get a dvd, but this new idea will combine them both.

Im still fleshing out the details and sketching stick drawings to lay the foundation, but I definately wanna get this shit going soon.

But yeah, other than that, had a fucking shitty week, then a better one. Blasting Periphery and Freaknik the soundtrack.

Updates about this thing soon.

Paranoia Agent

This show creeps me the fuck out.

Manga

For those who know me well, comics and manga have always been something I've loved doing.
Im honestly not that good, especially since everything I've drawn since 2008 has been for a school assignment, not for myself, and because of it, I dont put as much work or effort into it.

Im trying to do more realistic style, like real comics, but all I end up doing is really shitty art. Clearly, I need some practice.
As for manga, I've tried to do it very professionally, but I really am terrible right now, and have been adapting my own style slowly. More of a surrealistic style, ala FLCL and Metal Gear Solid's artwork.

I plan on continuing to practice and get better. I really like art, and I love the unique styles and personality they put into thier work.

What Is Human?

Sometimes I question my own existance, beliefs, and even reality.
But then I listen to the Deftones til I fall asleep.

Ill post some footage Ive worked on later, including links to my youtube channel.

Until then, I go on in a boring routine.

First Contact

Im 20.
Im straightedge, but its cool if youre not.
I love grindcore, hardcore, punk, alternative, noise, etc.
Manga/comic/anime artist.
Solo musician.
Film bands.
Im nice, but also a dick.
I have depression, anxiety, and acid reflux.
Its not fun.

I'll update this a LOT because Im usually bored and have a lot to complain about.

Fuck yaself.