Cancer Pt 1

So I thought my followup with my gastrologist was gonna be a five minute thing.

Nope.

It turns out that polyp I had a while back was Pre-Cancerous.

They said it means I could have Colorectal Cancer, or Crohn's Disease.

For the medically retarded, Crohns sucks, but the cancer can kill me between 3 months and 5 years, at best.

If it is cancer, it has a 50/50 chance of being still undeveloped and removed. Otherwise, I have a death sentence. Its not curable, and treatment will debilitate, possibly cripple me.

Pretty much Im fucked 6 ways to sunday.

I asked if I could reschedule my colonoscopy to ASAP so I can know if Im fighting a losing battle, but they cant reschedule it.

So now I fucking sit here, as time ticks away slowly, waiting to see if Im going to be counting down til I get buried.

If you never have to go through this, thank whoever you pray to that you never will. The cancer is supposed to be for people in at least their 50s. Im 22. This is fucked.

Its not the least bit comforting that I have good doctors when this can pretty much end my life in a matter of months. There is nothing satisfying knowing that I might die very soon.

There is no solace, no peace.

As optimistic as Im trying to be, I know there is no hope for me.

Im Reg fucking Edo, I have the worst luck on earth, and I may be dead before the year is through.

God help me.

Life hasnt been good. Ive been wondering why my stomach hurts, and why my reflux meds werent working as well.

I quit my fucking job thinking it was the stress that was making me sick, but this might be why. I left hanging with good friends and wonderful animals, something I love, and now I come to find out it may not matter about finding another job.

Im scared. My family and friends all tell me to keep my head up and be vigilant, take it one day at a time, but now that I know this might be deadly, its hard to keep myself optimistic.

I have no idea what to do. All I can do is sit, wait, and deal with these pains until next week.

I dont want to die.

Anxiety

It sucks. It isn't just a little flutter in my stomach. It's a deep, painful gash in my fucking life.

I don't just use it as an excuse, my anxiety is crippling to the point where I in fact miss a lot of oppertunities in my life because I'm so sick from it.

Puking isnt fun. Feeling like you're gonna 24/7 gets old very fast. Having to change everything about your life so you don't end up in the hospital is very hard.

Having to take very expensive pills every fucking day, and then go see someone every 3 weeks to get more, pay more, and maybe have to take more really puts a hamper on life.

Dreading every meal, every snack, every single social aspect, from going to a party with friends to simply going to fill up my tank, I have to live in fear of puking my guts out, not being able to hold in that lovely meal, and not be crippled enough to see friends I rarely get to see.

Meeting new people is very hard because I can't really chat with them if I'm puking/shitting my fuckin guts.

So yeah, next time you all wanna say, hey, you'll be fine, you take a step back, and fuck yourself.

I won't be ok. I'm not ok, nor have I been for years. This isn't something I can just get over. I've been living with it. It's a fucking curse, a burden. It's something I will always have to deal with if I expect to live past 30.

Fuck yourself if you think life is peachy or that I can use it as an excuse. It's not an excuse, it's not a ticket to a fucking free day off. It's a reason to sit with my head in a bucket for 2 hours and hope I don't lose more weight so I don't have tubes in my fucking arms to feed me. It's a daily struggle so I don't need serious medical attention, whether it be physical or psycholigical.

Eat shit.

Sick again

As usual, every year, I get sick on xmas. I woke up around 130 sweating and shivering like I was in the arctic, covered up in multitudes of layers, work up at 2 (or rather, got up since I didnt sleep at this point) and threw up water every hour til 8am, then in a semi-comatose state, passed out. Ive been asleep/in some sort of micro-nap or coma ish thing all day, feeling worse. Held down some penut butter, crackers, bread, water and pedealyte pops, and have a 3 hout shift tomorrow morning to impress a big wig at work. I dont wanna let my boss down, but I feel like death. We'll see what happens.

I can only hope to feel better and get ready for sundays shift.

So lousy.

1 Long, Painful, Hard Fucking Year

Its been a whole year. 1 whole year. 365 days since you passed away, and not a single day goes by that it doesnt tear at me.

It hasnt been easy on me.

I may not have known you like many other people did, but that doesnt make it any easier to feel better. Someone so young and who had something to live for, a purpose, a calling, taken from everyone.

I am not someone who deals with certain things very well. Death and grief is one of them. I cant accept mortality, seeing the young taken in thier prime. Its too much for me to bear.

I have a job working with animals, Im so thankful for it, Im on track to being responsible and paying my own way through life slowly, Im making and have made some amazing friends everywhere, in music, art, college, work, conventions, gatherings, parties, everywhere. I couldnt be more fucking thankful.

But that didnt make today any easier.

While the world cant stop for a day just cuz a measly handful of people are grieving, I did. My entire body shut down. I slept most of the day, depsite the fact its my moms birthday, and I wanted to spend the day with her, having fun. I slept when I got home, I left to go see my best friend as she had a visitor with greyhounds, which was hard for both of us since a dog hadnt been in her house for almost 2 years, and then I came home and slept.

I didnt get to hang with my mom, I didnt get to have a fun day and enjoy it. I slept cuz I couldnt stand being awake. I couldnt. It was too hard for me to think that such a young and caring person was taken so quickly. Its wrong.

Thats why I can say Im a horrible person. I have to question God, why the fuck would someone so caring and young be needed? What part of His plan is that, for a young man to be pulled from this world without reason?

Ive become so jaded.

Im not a nice person, though I always try to be. I have a sick and twisted mind, and a heart filled with hate. I dont have anything to live for. Im not going to be some famous and life changing musician, Im not gonna be a huge genre defining artist, I dont have the patience to go back to college, which is why I dropped out in the first place, and be a teacher, and I wont be anything special. Yet he was taken, not me. He had the skills, the knowledge, the motivation to do something good and beneficial for people.

And hes gone. And Im still here. And there isnt a single thing right about it.

I have always tried to do my best at everything I do, and have always tried to be helpful, but Ive seen and been through a lot, definately not as much as most of my friends, but I know enough to be a negative, spiteful, ruthless motherfucker. I have a lot of problems, mostly in my head, and I dont think there will ever be a day when I can overcome those problems, but as long as my friends can understand that everything is hard for me, every day is a struggle to get through sane and happy, and that every second is a fucking hell that I bear and live through, just to help other people and make thier lives better, then I can die happy.

Everyone, thank you. Chris, matt, geoff, ken, jess, robyn, ed, sami, krystina, tara, erin, amanda, jen, lauren, aaron, lauren, tim, steve, brian, nate, kittie, ryan, josh, sean, and everyone else who Im too lazy to type, literally everyone, thank you.

I may be an annoying, hopeless, insane piece of shit, but Im glad you all can understand and have the patience to put up with me on a daily basis.

Im sorry I couldnt be a better friend Teddy.

Im sorry I couldnt be a better son mom.

RIP.

Happy Birthday.

-Reg

Ignoring

Is this some fucking mind game? Anytime someone wants something or its important, they talk to me, but when im trying to be a good friend, no answer, i dont exist.

"Hey, I know its really none of my business"

Well, it isnt, but the fact youre making it yours and that you can be honest with me is refreshing, cuz at least someone cares.

Now whyd you bother telling me this if im always avoided or ignored? what was the point?

Why did i spend so much time trying to help these animals when you dont even respond to life or death info?

Why do i exist when you need something, but never when i wanna hang?

so fed up with every single one of my friends doin shit like this. im happy that im worth the time to worry about, tell important info, or important and nice enough to help you out, but when Im extending a caring hand to you with the guarenteed promise of being the best friend I can, and its not even met with a smile or acknowledgement, that hurts.

Im not sure what kind of headgames my friends are playin on me, but it aint fun.

Gah, thinkin too much, so much bad shits goin down, and I dont mean to sound like a dick or take it out on them, and I dont want to, Id just like straight answers, not aversions or the classic "i dunno" like I use.

If honesty is the best policy, why is my ass so honest, yet cant recieve it in the least?

Well, from some people....others have always been honest and that means a lot, even if it was only to spare some feelings of awkwardness.

Maybe more writing will help.

Oh, and listening to Manson all week. Old school shit. Makes me feel better. Its like listening to the blues for me.

Its Over

I cant do it anymore. I cant pretend nothing is wrong, or that i have it under control.

My mood changed so much today. I went from tired, to angry, depressed, happy, carefree, helpful, loving, to depressed, enraged, and finally hopeless.

Its official. My depression has spiralled out of control. I cant stay the same way for more than a half hour without someone or something changing my mood.

I give up. I cant win. I thought I could take back my life but I cant. Ive tried to be optimistic, to see the good, but it just backfires and fucked me up more.

Im not sure what to do, but I know that Im gonna be fucked. Its the end. I cant joyride on my little happiness.

Im not sure whats gonna happen, but one things for sure.

Ill see you fucks in the gutter.

Teddy

Where to begin...

It hasnt even been a full year yet and I miss you every day.

I still remember seein you and giving you a hug. Been ages since I did. I wanted to hang with you at Bury Your Dead/Throwdown, but unfortunately, thats the last time I saw you.

Ive never cried harder than when I went to your memorial service. Ive never seen so many people, I knew, I didnt know, everyone, who was there for you. So many people, whether they were friends or not came together for you. Even more to came jam at your memorial show.

I can only hope to have as big an impact on so many lives like you did to everyone. I can only hope that everyone will put aside thier differences to come hang one last time.

And yet, thats why Im typing this now.

None of my friends like most of my other friends. Its like I have a fuckin astroid belt of friends, some collide, others go together. No one likes one another. Theyve all made that perfectly clear. I dont know what to do. They hate each other for the stupidest reasons, most of which I can understand and relate to. Id be a fuckin hypocrite if I said I wasnt like that, I am, and I expect the same amount of disappointment from my friends, no matter what reasons I give to justify it with.

I dont think its fair. My friends are so focused on things I see as petty, and they complain how its wrong what theyre doing, etc, yet I can relate to the ones they dont like cuz Ive been in that situation, both sides. Ive gotten fucked over so many times youd think I was trying to date Enron. It sucks.

I got a job at Petsmart haha. Started in Feb. I been doing good. Ive learned so much stuff about animals, and I can honestly say Im pretty knowledgable for a guy who's never owned one. I kinda wish youd come in, even though you lived over by the North store. Its fun. Ive learned soooo much shit thier, about animals, retail, everything. Ive made some amazing friends, hell, I even had a crush at one point, who's now just a really good friend. Ive always thought Id be on the chopping block, mostly cuz I have no animal experience. Im so paranoid and stressed that its made me sick and think about quitting.

Thats when I remember, Teddy, you loved animals. Nature. Everything. What keeps me coming back is all the amazing people I know and all the great animals I help. Even if its just ringing up some food and shit bags, its in some way helping that animal. It gives me a good feeling to do something helpful for someone else. I should be so thankful as to have a job that has given me an education that was far better than a school and will help me in life.

A few weeks ago, a couple came in and walked around. Thought they looked familiar. Just chalked it up to my extreme drowsiness. As they walked out I noticed the guy had on one of the shirts from the memorial show. I got so sad. I felt a wave of lonliness, though all my friends were there. I missed you.

Theres so much going on now in my life its making me sick with worry. Money, jobs, women, friends, family, health, its so stressful. Yet not a day goes by that I dont think, hey, I bet Teddy knows a lot about this stuff.

I just dont know what to do anymore.

No one can accept peoples circumstances and shit, no one can get along, and nothing goes right anymore.

I hate this feeling. I have so many friends and yet, everyday I feel lonely cuz youre out of our lives, so many people prolly feel the same, but for me, its everyday. I know we werent best friends like you and Ryan were, and I cant imagine what he felt. I dont even wanna try. But something makes me feel this way. Like I said, its not even the winter yet and I already dont like going to work anymore. I feel the chilly air and smell the change in seasons, and I feel as though a part of me is gone.

I know one things for sure. Im afraid.

Im afraid to lose anyone. Everyone. Even some of my friends, like Bri, Kaitlyn, Amanda, Jon, people who I see all the time and hardly know anything about, Im afraid to lose. Whether it be by distance or by worlds like youve gone to, Im afraid of them leaving. Thats why Im always so fucking annoying and always talking. I always talk cuz I want everyone to know me, know as much about me as they can. And I try to keep things in mind when Im told them, this way I can remember details of thier lives. I know one thing is also scary to me is being forgotten. You saw how many people came to pay thier respects and honor your memory, I want that to. I want to be as good a person as you were, live life grand, and make an impact on all my friends lives.

I cant stand the thought of something happening to my friends. Hell, I didnt sleep for like 3 days right when you passed. Even some of my friends, who I barely hang with, I always go on and talk to them, try to make them feel better, try and be a good friend, listen, and help them out in any way I can. I always try to do the right thing, just so I can keep everyone together, closer, and with me. Ive always been a good friend to people, but I guess now it matters more than ever. I sit online and try to entertain and brighten up thier days, just to be the one to bring them some happiness in this shithole world.

I love all my friends dearly, and I cant stand to see them upset. I wish they all knew that Im always here to listen, and I will always try to help them. Some do, others I think havent opened up...its sad that they havent. Regardless of our history, I always will be a good friend to everyone.

I know thats what you did.

Anyway, its 1am, Im dead tired, and I have work early tomorrow. You know I cant say things like this without gettin teary eyed, stuttering, or being a total cornhole haha, so Ill type it from the heart.

I miss you dude. I wish you could be here with us all. I know everyone misses you. I wish I could be as good a person as you. I wish my friends that dont know me as well as chris and matt do would open up. I wish I could hang with you again dude. I know Im still fucked in the head, cuz even typing this, after almost a year, having to live with the fact youre gone is still heartbreaking, still tearing me up, still making me teary eyed, and still affecting me hard. I dunno what to do anymore. I've been trying to do the right thing, but Ive become so jaded... I can only hope to keep thinking positive, living life, and hoping that the people I care about, whether theyre my best friends of like 15 years or someone I met maybe 3 months ago from work and got to know better as time went on, that Im always there, my phones always on, and I will go out of my way to help.

I love ya dude, and I miss you a ton.

Hope youre relaxing.

-Reg

Its Never Just 1 Thing, Is It?

Ok, so I didnt sleep well last night because my shoulder was fucked, and I ended up passing out and woke up with both hurting. It sucks. I go into work feeling like shit, and after about 5 or so minutes, walk to the bathroom and puke a little. Asked to go home because mom said she didnt feel good either. Great.

So havent been able to stay full today, been weak, cold, and stressing. And thats why.

Its not just the thing with the girl. Its never just 1 thing. At the same time, now that so much has changed at my store since I started there, Im pretty sure theyre thinking of weeding me out due to inefficiency and the fact that I dont come in for when they write down and dont tell me. My boss has to fuckin grill me when I say Im going to the doctors tomorrow and wont be in. For what? Why cant you come in? Will you have a note? Are you sure you cant come in?

Trust me, if I could fix the abundance of shit wrong with me, Id be makin bank.

So for those of you who know the situation, no it is not just about the whole girl thing. Its sooo much more.

My shoulder has been bothering me, as Ive mentioned before. The reason Im making a big deal about it is cuz of my dad, and all the shit he had to go through. And he's still not fully healed. Im scared. I dont wanna have problems like this. Im too goddamn young!

Also, since Ive been waiting to see when my bosses can me, Ive been searching for another job. I wouldnt WANT to get fired, I dont WANT to go somewhere else, not get paid as much, and not be able to see all my friends everyday. But if it comes down to it, I will have no regrets, and I will go out with dignity. I love all the great friends Ive made thier, employee and regular customers alike, but Im not gonna carry on like a kid if they want me gone.

I can only hope that if or when this happens, I wont fall out of contact with all the great people Ive made friends with there...

Not just that, but a combo of that and my shoulder too. My family isnt very rich. My dad is retired and Im the only one in the house with a paycheck coming in. If I needed something done for my shoulder, I dont know if we could afford it. Im fearing for my family too.

Plus, everyones bugging me to start my career. I dont have one anymore, as I stated last post.

On top of all of this, my stress has been getting to me. All the shit I have to deal with, and my stomach is in knots sometimes, but I just keep going, despite feeling like Im dying. I do it cuz I know my friends at work dont have enough people there to pick up my slack. Until Im physically sick, I keep going. Well, today that came to a halt. I have so much on my plate, I have no idea what to do. My parents can only be there to support me. I have to figure all this out on my own, and someone help me I hope I can make the right decisions. Whether it be leaving my job to get healthy and figure out what I wanna do with my life, or keep going until Im back in the hospital with a fuckin tube camera down my throat to see if Ive developed full blown ulcers.

I know not many of you out there can help, and I dont expect you to. I dont wanna leave my job because Im fucked up physically and mentally, I dont wanna waste my parents money and go back to college or get xrays that will put us in serious financial trouble, I dont wanna not be able to wake up every morning, put on those damn clothes, see all my great friends and thier animals.

Im not sure what the next few days will bring, but Im hollow inside. Everything is spinning fast, and I need to figure out how to stop it and what to do.

All I ask from you all, my dear friends, whom I will always love more than any material possesions, is for your support.

This isnt easy for me to write. Everyone knows Im a little fucked, but just how fucked, well, its serious. Ive been messed up since high school, fuck, prolly before then. I have a lot of problems, and Ive ended up losing friends due to it. I just need everyone to bear with me, let me get my head on straight, tie my shoes, and fucking get my life back on track.

Please, for me, just understand im not normal in any way. This is the way Ive been, and I need to do something about it.

God help me.

Round 2 for Venting

First off, this isnt about the girl I work with, or the other girl who works at a diff store, this is about all the bullshit I have to put up with and the fact that words are the only safe way for me to vent.

No one Im friends with is best friends with anyone else. Everyone hates each other. Fuck you all for not getting along for the sake of friendship and kindness.

Next up, I definately hate my boss. I went in to see if I started my shift at 5 or 530, and saw she had hand written me to work thursday. This was after I had asked her if this was the completed schedule and she said yes. So not only did she schedule me for a day I wasnt supposed to work, NO ONE FUCKING TOLD ME!

Tomorrow Im going to be having some words with her, and will not be showing up thurs, if at all if I get fired.

I hate how people bitch at me cuz I smoke. I FUCKING SMOKE AND DRINK SO FUCKING WHAT?! I dont bitch at anyone else cuz of thier weight, sex, whorishness, religion, what band they like, etc. I taught myself to live and let live.

I know smoking doesnt calm really, but it helps take my mind off of things, relax.

Yknow why Im always a miserable shit? I have so much pressure on me. I need to get a new car, figure out how to do my own banking and taxes, eventually move out, etc. In addition I dont have a career. Im too fucking stupid to be a teacher, Im not a good artist or musician. I have NOTHING! Im just a fuckin guy who does shit to get by. I need to make more money.

I asked one of my bosses what the qualifications to be put into petcare, which has more hours and better stuff. After listing them off, she turned around and said oh, and retention of knowledge, aka, you dont stand a fucking chance of getting that job.

So Im gonna be stuck as a fucking cashier in that place until I get fired or quit.

I love my job, and I love all the people I work with, but goddamn, you people assume you know me.

The other day when work was mad shitty and I was so busy I wanted to cry, my foot started hurting, causing me to limp. Now, Ive had foot problems since I was 11, and I get serious foot cramps which make me sit and massage my foot or my entire leg ends up cramping. In addition to this, my 3 sprained fingers are still acting up, and Im pretty sure I did something to my rotator cuff, which scares the shit out of me since my dads been through that shit and he hasnt been the same since.

So anyway, one of the girls in petcare said oh reg quit fucking faking it in front of me and a customer. I told her shouldnt you be bagging fish? I dont fake shit. I dont want sympathy or to have an excuse to not do something, I do all that I can and more. But it worries me that if I did do something to my shoulder or my feet are starting to act up, that I could be out of a job at 21 due to disability. And yes, Im assuming the worst, as that is usually the case.

I hate that everyone has such negative shit to say about everyone. I may have my dislikes of people, but I bitch and then let it go, cuz we're only fucking human.

I hate how people rarely talk to me outside my job. When I got introduced to everyone, that makes them a friend, not a coworker only.

I dunno, so much shit has gone on lately, I need to relax and take a vaca out of state.

We'll see tomorrow if Im gonna be employed or not to permit this.

Fuck It.

Since I know no one reads this fuckin thing, I can fuckin vent.

I have a HUGE fuckin crush on a girl at my work, and it drives me fuckin insane since I know she thinks im a fuckin creep, and I found out she likes someone else we work with, which could be fuckin anyone since shes bi. Goddamn I hate not knowing what to say or do. I try to get to know people, be a nice person, hell, even help people out, and nothing seems to at least get them to say, hey, this kids a nice guy. I mean, if I knew she wasnt interested in me at all and told me, Id get the fuck over it at least and ask if her and her friends wanted to just hang and grab a beer.

But I figure I have a chance, when I know in the tiniest part of the back of my head that she prolly knows someone who's friends with one of my ex's and was told all this bullshit that isnt true. Ive had a couple good friends from work tell me to look for someone else, but its not that simple for me. I have strange tastes, and its hard for me to find someone I actually like. I mean, most of my friends asked me how much meth i had to smoke after seeing my exs.

Finding someone who I like isnt as fucking easy as most people. I dont like those fuckin spoiled fucks, I dont like drama queens who think theyre the shit, and I HATE the fucks who have egos. I mean, it was fuckin 4 years since I found the last girl I liked, and she didnt have an interest, she told me straight up, and shes a good friend still. Honesty like that is what I appreciate. I got over it, fast, and shit, I helped hook her up with a job!

Im not like most other guys. They pretend to fuckin be interested in everything, going out of thier way to be the sweetest guy, fuck a girl until they get sick of her or find someone better and fuckin leave. I dont do hookups. I wait. Im a kind person. I always try to take an interest in shit other people like, thats how Ive become such an open and unique person.

Im a nice guy, with some anger issues, some violent thoughts, who loves every type of music out there, has many interests, and who always is kind, honest, and fun loving. Why the fuck cant I even get a fucking chance?

Is it cuz Im too 'real'? I dont censor myself, I dont put on a happy facade to please everyone, I dont agree with shit I honestly hate. Im my own person, I have my own likes and dislikes, Im not gonna be a different person for anyone. Censorship is a cancer.

Is it cuz Im not attractive? I know Im pretty ugly and fucking oddly shaped cuz Im OUT of shape, but Im not someone who wants looks to be perfect, for me or a lady.

Is it some random quirk? I dont fuck cuz I get reallt nervous, I need to get comfy, relax, known, and that can take months. My voice is fucking annoying even to me, so I always try to talk in a low raspy voice since I always think I sound like fozzy bear from the muppets. Im very self conscious about that and the fact that my right foot has to walk facing outward a bit or twisting it straight forward hurts up to my knee.

I have no talent, no skill, trade, intelligence, or anything. Nothing. Im not rich, Im not pretty, Im not sunshine and fucking butterflies. But Im kind. I listen, I care. Nowadays that doesnt mean much, but it means something to me.

Ive made a lot of mistakes in my life, and i have plenty of regrets. But right here, right now, once these fingers stop typing, the weight that has been lifted temporarily from typing this will come crashing on to my busted shoulders, and I will feel like shit, depressed, emotionless, hollow.

Now you know a bit more about me. I hope when you look at me, you see me as the fucking scum I am, and I hope you realize that this scum is better than any of the fucking pieces of shit out there.

Fuck it.

The World As We Know It

I honestly believe, and can finally admit openly, that I have become jaded to everything in this world.

I see corruption everywhere I go, I see hatred and unkindness, cruelty, greed, egos, selfishness.

Its sickening, yet I hold back the vomit and press onward each day, supressing every desire to continuously beat the shit out of people.

I have no problem telling people how it is. Being honest and true. Yet, again, because the world is this way, even though Im right, people will still defend themselves with invalid points and useless arguings.

Everyday I wake up and try to think positive. I try and say, hey, today is gonna be different, Im gonna do some good, and within 15 minutes of me getting up out of bed, my ass is already waiting for the day to be over.

Ive come a long way. Many of my good friends have seen me at my lowest, massively underweight, sick as a dog, and close to a complete mental and physical breakdown. And if it wasnt for these dicks stickin by me and telling me, shit sucks, but only you can make it better, Id be in the grave. I now have a very great job. Yes I bitch about it, but who doesnt bitch about thier job? I have amazing friends. I get to do exactly what I want, which, at the moment, is relax, play games, enjoy life.

But everyday Im constantly bombarded with news, talks, eavesdrops, etc of all the terrible things in this world. Previous owners of the animals I pet everyday beating and starving them, friends I know constantly arguing and at each others throats.

Im fucking sick of it.

Everyone who is reading this most likely knows a bit about me. Hopefully its what you know from me, not from one of my ex cunts. Everyone knows Im a nice guy, Im easy to get along with, and Im always a fun dude. Im friends with everyone, even if they hate each other.

Well, Im sick of this shit. Im sick of all the fucking egos. Im sick of hard working people getting fucked because people with egos and think they should be ahead of everyone want money and glory for themselves. Last time I checked, you've only paid your dues when you get signed by a major label and have a cd in best buy or newbury comics.

Im fucking done being the nice fucking dude and trying to please everyone and make everything go alright, compromising to the point of me ending up losing out on everything. Fuck that.

Im a real human being who is just trying to earn my place in the world. I havent done so, so I dont expect special treatment. I dont expect shortcuts, taking the long way and doing things right is twice as rewarding.

I may be friends with you all, but Im a real person. Ive opened my eyes and unveiled the world for the shithole of a rock it really is. When you ask for honesty, I will be blunt and truthful. I wont beat around the bush to keep things together. This is real life, and sometimes YOU have to make compromises just as I do.

This is the world as we know it. This is me. Im honest and truthfully sorry to offend you all, but fuck yourself if you think youre better than someone. You're not. The only way you have more money and more influence is because of circumstance.

Get real faggot.

Long Rant Is Looooooooong

So this morning, its very early for me, around 9am. Ive been up since 7am since the rednecks behind us decided to go in the pool and scream and argue. At 7am. Right off the bat I hope all the fat fucks drown.

Cut to work. The 0 key on my register sticks sometimes, so this time it stuck and rang up as $200.03 instead of $20.03. I asked if we needed to key it in, forgetting he gave me 3 cents to give him a 5, so i hand him $4.97. He goes "What the fuck are you doing? I gave you 3 cents!" I wasnt thinking, it being early in the morning. I said "Oh Im sorry." and gave him his 5. He begins walking out, and goes, "Jesus, where the fuck did you go, vocational school?" not registering what he said, I replied, "No, community college." The guy behind him, who was very nice, laughed at the old guy. As soon as the nice man left, it registered what had just happened, and I wanted to murder the everloving fuck out of that old piece of shit. Had I actually caught what he said, I would have replied, and gotten fired for, saying "are those dentures or real teeth, cuz youre about to fucking eat them in 3 seconds"

Needless to say, I raged all day at work, being extra nice to customers, since thats my fucking job.

I know theres fucking assholes in the world. Im one of em. But when Im an all around nice guy, and am being courteous, making human errors, and apologizing and doing my best to rectify the situation, I dont need the fucking attitude. If the boss who's not usually a bitch to me wasnt standing 2 aisles over, having ironically, not heard any of this, I would definately have said something, gotten in trouble, etc. But this isnt the first time shit has gotten to me at work so bad.

Before, we were having a huge 4 day sale. A man came over and asked why the prices of his items were not like in the magazine. I told him politely that the size of the bag and the flavor of the cat food wasnt the one on sale, and if he'd like, he can go grab those. He balled up a fist and proceeded to complain about the price. I cant do much, since Im stuck as a part time cashier, I cant change prices, I can just call a manager, ironically, shed be a bitch and Id get shit from the customer for it. So as a long line forms behind him and Im the only cashier (as usual) on duty, he says "Ill just go grab another one then" He puts the bag down and I begin ringing in a new customer. When the line is finished, I notice that the bag he left behind me on the floor was gone. He stole a $50 bag of animal food because he couldnt get the fucking sale, since his chosen bag wasnt one on sale.

It bothered me all day and all weekend. I was so pissed that I let someone get away, yet, thinking this through, if I hadf tried to stop him, since he was about 6 foot 3, and had prolly 100 or so pounds on me, would've fucked me up.

I shouldnt have to go into work worrying if a customer is gonna take a swing at me or if theyre gonna come back and harass me as I try and do my job. I shouldnt have to fucking worry about my bosses blaming me for everything when Im the ONLY person at the front most of the time, and getting bitched at cuz they take thier fucking time getting to the front to help me out with things because theyre too fucking busy chatting in the office. Me and my coworkers do hard work. I cant speak for them, but I always give as much effort and kindness, even if Im in a shit mood and faking it, Im always courteous, and always, ALWAYS try and do the best job I can do, yet I get bitched at because I made a human error, such as accidentally giving 3 cents less change or being the only person on a register with a line halfway down the fucking store. People from petcare and GROOMING of all places shouldnt have to drop what theyre doing to relieve this line because my bosses are all having coffee and donuts out back. When I call twice, its kinda important. When the first and LAST people in line hear my voice on the intercom 7 times and still have nothing, then its fucking pathetic.

If I could get any job that pays good and lets me go to shows and be myself like this one, Id fucking be there. But I cant, so Im stuck in a thankless rut, as the bottom fucking rung, and my only saving grace is I get to see all the other animals people have and I cant have.

Life isnt fucking fair, but everyone gets a break once in a while. Where the fuck is mine?

Eyes Slightly Opened

So after reading a great letter/email/article on metalsucks from the vocalist of Trap Them, Ive been inspired to continue writing some music.

Ive been workin non stop a lot lately, and getting bitched at from everyone for very retarded reasons. Oh well, I know Im a good employee and Im always kind even when customers are rude to me cuz I know its right. Get more with honey than vinegar.

So Im pretty excited about a lot of happenings. The local gaming store I frequent is moving over and remodelling, Im happy to help since the owner and his family, quite good friends of mine, are very kind and have always helped me out with stuff. Im finally cleaning the living room. Which is VERY big news since its a fucking trainwreck hahaha. Im happy to be hanging with mature people finally, feeling more adult, despite my dad being half a century old and acting like a little fucking kid.

In addition, I must say, I am a bit worried. As much good as this is all going, a lot of new things are happening that are kinda scary. My best friend Matt is getting married Sept. 25th, then going to the Navy. His brother, my other best friend, Chris, well, he needs work, and I dont think its right that fucking faggots I know have jobs when they act like theyre better than everyone, yet he gives 200% at whatever he does and he doesnt get shit. At the same time, I wanna continue having a great summer and all, but I have to think about getting a new job, just in case Im fired, or a 2nd job so I can afford a new car. Im not lookin for a 2010 model, something not 16 years old like mine.

As much as I know my friends are there for me, my family, and that I live a very social, fun, and, to my dismay, easy life compared to my friends, I've never felt more alone, outcasted, and far from normality than in high school.

I guess I need to worry about the future, since its always uncertain, and as much as I wanna have a career that I like, and wont dread waking up every morning for, I need to find my niche in life. I dont think mine is a good one either. Or at least one I can live independently for.

Well, time to write. I have plenty of ideas brewing, maybe i should just write shit down or type it up and see what I come out with instead of trying to force my creative "muse" to work for me.

See ya round.

RIP

Edge

1/29/09-7/6/10

It was fun. Maybe some day it'll be my calling, but right now, life is too short to not have fun, not live life, not appreciate things.

I may drink now, but Im never gonna be a drunk, and I still refuse to pick up smoking again, and will still stay drug free.

And no matter what, I may have left my edge behind, but I will always love and respect the sxe culture. Its given me new outlooks on life and the world, and Ive made some great fucking friends who have common interests.

With that being said, Ill bitch and complain about my life later.

Your Life < Everyone Else

Stolen

Dropping Like Flies

Now I know Hollywood likes to jump on the bandwagon when it comes to fads, but I didnt know death was one of them.

So this week we got Paul Gray, Gary Coleman, and who's next? We got kind, creative and talented people, yet that old cocksucker from westboro is still kicking? This further makes me less and less faithful in everything I believe.

Also, work sucks, Red Dead Redemption is amazing, and I have been trying to write, but each time I force myself to, it comes out cheesy and shitty, and I cant just force a good writing, I need it to come naturally, like a few of my favorites have. Maybe I can tap into next weeks stress. Eh, whatever.

Fuck You.

Rant 2

Another thing, whoever left a box of 5 starving, cold kittens in my store, fuck you. I hope a fischer cat mauls you to death next time you go out to get the paper.

My boss Ana told me to look on the bright side that they left them hear, not on the side of the road or in a sack in the river, but that didnt help. The kittens were fucking starving, scared, and cold.

To think this is going to happen a LOT in the coming months is fucking sickening.

If you cant take care of a fucking animal, go through proper channels to get it to a home, dont fucking let it die. Take responsibility instead of acting like a little bitch.

Long Rant Is Long

Ok, so a kid I know got shot and killed this week. My friends who were a couple houses away heard multiple gunshots.

I simply state that I beleived it might have been due to gang related issues, due to him, to my knowledge and to testimony to friends who knew him and his friends, had a gang or something.

People respond with absolute conviction that he was a saint and accidentally shot himself drunk while fooling around with a gun he thought wasnt loaded.

Shitstorm via facebook status comments ensues.

I never said the kid was a faggot, deserved to die, or was worthless cuz of gang shit, simply thats what my friends heard, since it was MULTIPLE shots they heard, and not one. I was retorted with "people make shit up for attention" excuse. Im pretty sure my friends who knew him wouldnt do that to drag his memory through the mud since they knew him too.

I never said he should have gotten it, yet was bombarded with excuses of how hes a saint and how he never did anything bad, nor did his family (his brother I went to school with is a diff story) All I said was that I believe it was that he got in a disagreement. No one can explain the multiple shots when I bring that up.

I never made out Teddy to be a saint when he ODed and died. I learned not to pop pills and mourned his loss. I mourn this young mans loss also, since he was just trying to have fun. Regardless of the circumstances resulting in his death, its sad.

What pisses me off is everyones steadfast belief that when someone dies, theyre a hero, martyr, saint, and can do no wrong. Im sure that was also the sentiment of the 3rd Reich when Hitler died also. Everyone is so caught up in their post-event emotions, they dont think rationally from a neutral point like I do. For example, Post 9/11, people were far too patriotic out of fear and misguided emotions. When Michael Jackson died, everyone was all mourning, and those who talked shit and said he was a pedo rapist or whatever instantly flipped sides and said he was a great person.

Just because someone dies doesnt mean you have to treat them like theyre a fucking messiah. Acting like that makes you look like a fucking sheep being herded around blindly. Its sad, yes, and he will be missed, and he had a lot going for him, but that doesnt mean all sins are obsolved. Ive done stupid shit a lot, and I expect my friends to call that shit out when I go down.

In summary, dont act like you fucking know everything and it's all perfect. Nothing's perfect, and just cuz someone states an opinion or fact doesnt mean you have the right to crucify them. Not everyone sees eye to eye all the time and gets along, but everyone should respect peoples opinions, regardless of how warped from your own they are.

Think for yourself and grow the fuck up.

Too Fucking Long

So my friends bird, who I've known since the day we bought him, Philip Whil Wheaton, passed away yesterday. His kisses always hurt, and I remember the time he just started laughing for no reason for an hour, Im gonna miss him :[

Also, Peter Steele died. For real this time. I always wanted to do a TON cover, but I wasnt sure if anyone was into them, but seeing the reaction from my friends, now if I do do a cover, I'll look like some trendy scene fag :/

Anyway, nonstop work all weekend, and not in the mood to deal with the retarded shit of retarded people. Maybe getting a game this next week, to keep myself occupied.

Also, my trip to games day is kinda bust since everyone is going to my friends wedding. Id go too, but its in London, and my family cant even afford to send just me. So as much as Id love to go to his wedding, I wont be able to, and since my ride is going, Im stuck in NH. Kinda gay :/ Why have a wedding in another country when 3/4 the people attending cant afford to make the trip?

Oh well, something will get done, and hopefully they get all thier families to go.