Been a bit

I have ideas. Ideas that I like, am proud of, and hopefully will act on.

Im gonna start makin notes and here and there doing shitty little sketches. And I mean shitty.

Im not proud of my art, as a matter of fact, I HATE IT. But if it means I have to put more work, well, I didnt get this far and am still alive, why not try harder?

Music is gonna be good too. Im excited for it.

Right now, as much as I think Im ready, that my heart is ready, my entire being, I dont think I wanna try to pursue women for a while. Its too much stress on me, and I need this full time that I better get.

I know all my friends have my back, but I dont know if I can keep my cool. I have good patience, but thats for everyone else, not myself. If I cant get something to be good, I give up. Maybe its time I change that.

I still am pissed that I need to have a fucking computer in front of me to draw right. I need to look at some of my old how to books for comics, animation, and realistic drawing.

Heres to trying and failing miserably.

/co/ Is Love

So, as per usual, I was browsing /co/ looking for some interesting discussions to lurk, cool new backgrounds, etc.

I came across a thread that had links. Right away, Im intrigued as to what I can get for free from the internet.

As I looked, links were to amazon.com. Didnt understand.

I scrolled quickly and glanced, noticing that they were apparently wish lists.

I grew puzzled.

Later on in the night, I saw the thread was still up, and had a bevvy of comments.

People who had made these wishlists, or came across them even, were buying some of the things for complete strangers online for christmas. With thier own money.

As I read through, and came across a couple other threads, people who made the wishlists were too poor/no family or friends/whatever reason to get gifts, and apparently, it was a yearly tradition on /co/ to give gifts to people. Some people were discussing that they got a confirmation that it was sent and that theyre very greatful to have someone think of them on christmas, even if its from someone in some far part of the world, others said that it didnt show as bought, but were greatful for the effort of trying to give instead of recieve.

This touched me. Never have I been so moved by something as random as a 4chan board and people being kind to each other in a harsh time for some. People randomly spending thier money for complete strangers out of the kindness of thier hearts to bring some joy and cheer to someone else who needs it more. If I had the finances, I would participate and help someone have a little joy in thier holiday, but it proved something to me.

Humanity may not be lost.

As much as a hateful, angry prick I am, I have a heart. And the fact that people can organize a yearly event and bring joy to those less fortunate, out of sheer random acts of kindness and caring, its almost unfathomable.

I guess theyre completely right. No matter what the opinions, tastes, etc.

/co/ is love.

Sick again

As usual, every year, I get sick on xmas. I woke up around 130 sweating and shivering like I was in the arctic, covered up in multitudes of layers, work up at 2 (or rather, got up since I didnt sleep at this point) and threw up water every hour til 8am, then in a semi-comatose state, passed out. Ive been asleep/in some sort of micro-nap or coma ish thing all day, feeling worse. Held down some penut butter, crackers, bread, water and pedealyte pops, and have a 3 hout shift tomorrow morning to impress a big wig at work. I dont wanna let my boss down, but I feel like death. We'll see what happens.

I can only hope to feel better and get ready for sundays shift.

So lousy.

Update

Poppin back in.

Temporarily giving up on love to be a good friend to some of mine that need it.

Gamin nonstop.

Working a metric fuckton.

Writing.

And oh yeah, being me :]

1 Long, Painful, Hard Fucking Year

Its been a whole year. 1 whole year. 365 days since you passed away, and not a single day goes by that it doesnt tear at me.

It hasnt been easy on me.

I may not have known you like many other people did, but that doesnt make it any easier to feel better. Someone so young and who had something to live for, a purpose, a calling, taken from everyone.

I am not someone who deals with certain things very well. Death and grief is one of them. I cant accept mortality, seeing the young taken in thier prime. Its too much for me to bear.

I have a job working with animals, Im so thankful for it, Im on track to being responsible and paying my own way through life slowly, Im making and have made some amazing friends everywhere, in music, art, college, work, conventions, gatherings, parties, everywhere. I couldnt be more fucking thankful.

But that didnt make today any easier.

While the world cant stop for a day just cuz a measly handful of people are grieving, I did. My entire body shut down. I slept most of the day, depsite the fact its my moms birthday, and I wanted to spend the day with her, having fun. I slept when I got home, I left to go see my best friend as she had a visitor with greyhounds, which was hard for both of us since a dog hadnt been in her house for almost 2 years, and then I came home and slept.

I didnt get to hang with my mom, I didnt get to have a fun day and enjoy it. I slept cuz I couldnt stand being awake. I couldnt. It was too hard for me to think that such a young and caring person was taken so quickly. Its wrong.

Thats why I can say Im a horrible person. I have to question God, why the fuck would someone so caring and young be needed? What part of His plan is that, for a young man to be pulled from this world without reason?

Ive become so jaded.

Im not a nice person, though I always try to be. I have a sick and twisted mind, and a heart filled with hate. I dont have anything to live for. Im not going to be some famous and life changing musician, Im not gonna be a huge genre defining artist, I dont have the patience to go back to college, which is why I dropped out in the first place, and be a teacher, and I wont be anything special. Yet he was taken, not me. He had the skills, the knowledge, the motivation to do something good and beneficial for people.

And hes gone. And Im still here. And there isnt a single thing right about it.

I have always tried to do my best at everything I do, and have always tried to be helpful, but Ive seen and been through a lot, definately not as much as most of my friends, but I know enough to be a negative, spiteful, ruthless motherfucker. I have a lot of problems, mostly in my head, and I dont think there will ever be a day when I can overcome those problems, but as long as my friends can understand that everything is hard for me, every day is a struggle to get through sane and happy, and that every second is a fucking hell that I bear and live through, just to help other people and make thier lives better, then I can die happy.

Everyone, thank you. Chris, matt, geoff, ken, jess, robyn, ed, sami, krystina, tara, erin, amanda, jen, lauren, aaron, lauren, tim, steve, brian, nate, kittie, ryan, josh, sean, and everyone else who Im too lazy to type, literally everyone, thank you.

I may be an annoying, hopeless, insane piece of shit, but Im glad you all can understand and have the patience to put up with me on a daily basis.

Im sorry I couldnt be a better friend Teddy.

Im sorry I couldnt be a better son mom.

RIP.

Happy Birthday.

-Reg

Too Late

So a lot has happened, and I realized a lot.

I lost some people I truly cared about because they were too shallow or too stupid to understand the concept of companionship or friendship.

And I realized, although perhaps too late, who really means a lot to me.

Im gonna try and set things right, but Im not sure how it will go :/

Same Shit

Im sick of getting shit on by everyone.

Nobody fucking respects me at work, no one fucking respects me as a friend, nothing. Everyone acts like Im thier bitch and treats me like fucking shit.

Fuck you, I went out of my way for you and all you did was fuckin lie to me and fuck me over.

Eat shit and die you cunt.

Failure

I have finally accepted myself as a failure. Not at everything, despite what I choose to think about myself, but in art.

I was at work on break the other day, and I sat there with my sketchbook, ready with ideas flowing, creative juices doing thier thing. But nothing came out. Not a line.

As I went back on register, and had done my tasks for the night, I grabbed a small piece of trash paper and tried to draw something. The second I saw this was nothing what the original picture, in my head or how it was originally drawn, looked like, I tore it to shreds and threw it away.

I cant draw a single good looking thing without having some sort of reference in front of me.

This means computer, book, comic, etc. Cant do anything by memory alone and not let it look like a 6 year old drew it.

This realization at first infuriated me (in addition to having a shitty day at work, literally, mopping shit up with only one coworker who's always a kind woman to say thank you) but then depressed me.

I remember a comic then, and how one character had a tiny little netbook. Maybe I could get one and bring it with me, to use for drawing, have tons of refs on it, wifi, etc.

Idk, but Im writing an ep/album/whatever about my failures and its frustrations.

Also, I hate my job. The people there are miserable now, Im prolly up for a firing, and excluding a few of my friends, most of the store hates me.

So much hate going on right now, in addition to my own shitty luck with women, I find out numerous things regarding my friends, and how my allegiance was tested by World Whore.

First off, heres a few things we need to establish.

1-NEVER question my loyalty to my friends. EVER. You will regret it.

2-Dont you ever fucking say you are innocent. You're not. We're ALL guilty of something. I own up to it. I admit when Im wrong. You say all this shit about someone you used to be friends with and then just run away from me, youre a fucking joke.

Ugh, rant over, fuck the world, the whores, the world whore, and life in general.

Long shift tomorrow, maybe take my mind off of things.

Or make it worse.

Break Down Walls

Im always putting myself out there, and just when I think I'll be ok, something happens. Or in this case, nothing happened.

Of course the girls Im swooning over never go online, and thats kinda all I do. Yeah.

So uh, things clearly never going in my favor, and I dont like my life's direction. I know Im the only one who can change it, but whats the fucking point if each road leads to a lonely end?

Maybe things will get better one they get online, see Im a nice guy, etc.

I can only hope.

World Whore 4

You sicken me.

You said you were honest, but truly, its a lie. I was foolish to think you could ever be a true friend.

You said you were giving me a warning, telling me about someone I hardly knew, well, I think you were really talking about yourself.

I stuck my neck out for you, defended you, and stood against the tide that said you were a terrible person, and told them they were wrong. I gave you the benefit of the doubt, and yet in return I get nothing but a cold shoulder and your sudden ignorance.

You lied, with every breath you took, saying how I was a good person and how Im a good friend, when the only time I was ever a speck in your universe was when you got to chop someone down a peg without telling me anything of importance. You used me to feed your hatred for someone, and then you continued on as if I never existed.

You're the one who should feel sorry, not me. You're the one who is missing out on having true and noble kindness in your corner, you're the one who lives a life of excess and greed, you're the one, so vain, you cant settle down with just one person, the one who loves to manipulate but hates to be manipulated.

I thought you were different, but you're not, you're just the same type of scum like the rest of them. You use me for whatever sick purpose I serve you and then cast me aside as if you never had anything to do with me.

You're nothing but a self-centered whore, and you wouldn't know true happiness if it shot you square between the eyes.

Im glad Im not a part of your life, cuz the only woman I want in my life is someone who isnt as big a whore or as selfish, evasive, and keniving as you.

I will not falter cuz of you, I will stand and walk head held high and I will find someone who is worth the time and effort that you took from me, never bothering to return.

You will never find happiness.

Fuck you.

Somedays

I wish I could just disappear.

All the people who have a place in my heart have grown to hate me, more than anyone. I dunno why, but it makes me feel like shit.

This is why Im always so negative and angry, cuz its a waste. People I care for, love, hold dear, and try and help out before myself, they end up hating me and being a waste of time.

I wish theyd see how good a friend I am. I was always there to talk to when things were wrong, there to try and help make things better, I tried to help everyone I could, didnt care too much about what happened to me as a result, ended up just somehow fucking things up and making people hate me, despite my good natured heart and kindness.

If you see me and I act like a dick, now you know why. I tried to be a nice guy, I tried to be different, but I cant let my guard down for anyone anymore, cuz I end up getting fucked over again and again and again.

I hate saying this, but I love you so much I hate you, and vice versa.

A Question About Love

Detected.

So a friend posted a status that said, Here's a question-How many times have you fallen in love?

Being detected and sentimental as i am, it got me thinking. How many times?

After a quick count, 7.

7. I can remember only bad times with them. It was terrible. I always thought things would get better, and they never did. I wasted years on these people, only for them to turn on me and use me or cheat on me.

Recently, Ive thought I was in love, but it turns out to be one sided infatuation.

I added a ton of new people to make friends with on facebook, be a nice guy, maybe find someone who's into me, but still being talked to like im a bad guy.

I know Im a monster, cuz I say horrible things and have the opinion of death himself, but I ama caring and loving guy.

I dunno why people sometimes cant be straight up with me, or for that matter tell me WHY they dont like me, but whatever. Im trying to find a girl who will appreciate me for me and who wont change or make me change and be themselves.

So far, this goes with no results and many a day wasted trying to hang with people whom i either would like to get to know or who already have my heart.

This inspires me to write another song.

I dunno, it cant be love if Im the only one who cares. I guess in that case, Ive never been IN love since no one loves me, Ive only ever had feelings for someone who either didnt care or secretely hated me. It seems history repeats itself.

Its happening again, tenfold.

I dunno what to do, or how to tell them, or what, but my heart is splitting, such women who have a place in my mind each day.

I wish people would give me a chance to show them im not the monster i think i am, but thats not happening anytime soon since no one wants to even let me try to be a good guy.

I think its time for bed. If I keep up the sentimental crap, im gonna be cryin by the end of this.

Which would do me some good.

Wow Im Retarded

This is me.

Cuz I dont grasp that people have other shit to do.

Anyway, glad things are back to normal, glad people understand Im stupid, and give me more chances than I should get.

Love you all.

Oh, also, I plan on being hammered this weekend.

Yes.

Better updates to come.

Ignoring

Is this some fucking mind game? Anytime someone wants something or its important, they talk to me, but when im trying to be a good friend, no answer, i dont exist.

"Hey, I know its really none of my business"

Well, it isnt, but the fact youre making it yours and that you can be honest with me is refreshing, cuz at least someone cares.

Now whyd you bother telling me this if im always avoided or ignored? what was the point?

Why did i spend so much time trying to help these animals when you dont even respond to life or death info?

Why do i exist when you need something, but never when i wanna hang?

so fed up with every single one of my friends doin shit like this. im happy that im worth the time to worry about, tell important info, or important and nice enough to help you out, but when Im extending a caring hand to you with the guarenteed promise of being the best friend I can, and its not even met with a smile or acknowledgement, that hurts.

Im not sure what kind of headgames my friends are playin on me, but it aint fun.

Gah, thinkin too much, so much bad shits goin down, and I dont mean to sound like a dick or take it out on them, and I dont want to, Id just like straight answers, not aversions or the classic "i dunno" like I use.

If honesty is the best policy, why is my ass so honest, yet cant recieve it in the least?

Well, from some people....others have always been honest and that means a lot, even if it was only to spare some feelings of awkwardness.

Maybe more writing will help.

Oh, and listening to Manson all week. Old school shit. Makes me feel better. Its like listening to the blues for me.

I Just Dont Care Anymore, Sometimes

Eh, weird shit lately. Friends are unemployed, Im trying to use some usefull info I have to save a litter of puppies, random people, random IMs and messages, and somehow people seem to value my, uh, existance.

Strange.

Been working very hard at trying to stay positive and get things I want done, but Im far too nihilistic now to really give a shit, yet, at the same time, knowing that some people think if me and IM me or text or call out of the blue really picks me up, but also makes me see Im only tolerable in small doses, and that I really am lonely.

So, I have a long week ahead of me, and it will end with me being equally as lonely and fuckin workin my ass off for people who dont like me.

Welcome to my life.