So much weird shit

Trippy.

Detected.

Realize a lot more.

More confidence, less heartache, less worry, less lonely, more active, youll find happiness.

I miss all my friends

i hope to do something pre/post yomise'

hopin to have days off from work to hang/drink/game/etc :]

plus you all can learn a bit more about me.

tired, etc, peace.

AAC Is Soon

So AAC (Another Anime Con) is comin up. I know about 80% of my friends could give a shit less, so this is for everyone else.

I never go to cons at all. Ever. I go to the AAC Yomise (I work it for the stores owner) only cuz I have a source of power. I position that I cant be removed from. I avoid them like the plague due to many things. Mostly because so many people who hate me go, and will stop at nothing to make everyone believe the lies they tell and get me in trouble, thrown out, police problems, etc.

First off, a few of my exs go. Already that spells trouble. Ive been harassed by the cops so much because theyre always calling about things I never do. Its rediculous.

Next, a few people who I know dont like me that much, from various points in my life from high school to recently will be working and attending. Also, not havin that for me.

Finally, since these people are going, the few friends i have that dont hate me that ARE going will be having fun and making tons of inside jokes, remarks, and many other things that are over my fucking head. I dont watch a lot of anime. Ive seen maybe 2 movies that were subtitled. It was fun, but I prefer english dubs. Its a culture thing for me, Im able to understand and relate to the characters more since they speak a language I understand.

A couple friends of mine have even tried to get me to work at them, running security so if any of my exs or the people who dont like me start any shit, i can just kick them out. I decided against it so I dont have to deal with them at all. Knowing them theyd get the police to shut down the con itself, and after the shit theyve pulled already, its not unlikely.

Its sad, really, that I dont live my life the way I want. I dont want to miss out on good times with friends, I dont want to not be able to relax, have a laugh and experience something new. But I dont, I cant, and I wont anytime soon.

It sucks, Id like to be able to hang with all my friends, the ones I know at the castle, the ones I made at the past 2-3 Yomise's, but Im pretty sure Im not gonna be seeing any vendors for a long time :[

Thats why Im always so annoying and tryin to hang with some of my anime friends. Cuz the only time I can see them is at these events, and the only ones I met them at, some people ended up not likin me too much since my exs were goin around sayin Im a rapist and Im some abusive fuck.

I am a HUGE pussy, my little sister can kick my ass, this is certain. Im a nice guy, Im a virgin, and Im very respectful of people. Unfortunately, since most anime kids are so quick to believe ANYTHING, it ended up not being a very good night. I made a few great friends who Ive kept in contact with, be it through facebook alone :/

Sometimes I wish I was a little tougher, not so frail and weak, not so fucked up in the head, stomach, etc. But this is how it is.

I hope some of ya will hang once in a while, I mean, not like I have any grand plans :/

Sometimes I forget

That Im not living a life of "normality", that the fair maiden wont be mine eventually, that I wont be saving anyone, and I will be the one who is defeated.

I sometimes wish I wasnt myself. Sometimes that I could forget everyone and everything, start fresh, not have any bad memories of heartbreak, betrayal, not be so paranoid, remeet everyone and hopefully NOT fuck it up.

I mean, Im glad I have a lot more time to myself, and that Im on a creative roll, Im somewhat happier around people. But Im also sad that I cant hang with my friends sometimes, that they dont like me, and just put up with me like soooooooooooo many before. I cant help it with my paranoid self, but thats how I feel. I may be happy, but once Im alone I miss everyone, I long for the companionship I never had, and I certainly with some aspects of my romantic life were...uh, better?

All Im trying to do is be the great friend, the one who you can wake up at 4am and talk to so you feel better, who can try and give advice and help your problems, and who will take the time to listen and care, and not judge you.

Meh, not like that ever happens.

So Much Better

I feel amazingly better.

Needed a night with my best friend and some drinks to clear my head.

Gained confidence, opened up, felt happy for like, the first time in forever. A weight has been lifted. I was able to shove all nerves and my paranoia aside to confront whats been in my heart, and get it all laid out.

I can finally take my life back.

100%

Thanks to all my friends. Everyone. Work, gamers, otaku, best friends, everyone.

Just In Case You're Wondering.

If anyone was wondering why Im always hounding everyone I know to hang, its cuz Im never depressed and whiny when Im hanging with people. Plus I love to hang in groups.

So sorry to everyone who recieves texts between midnite and 4am askin if they wanna make plans. I never know anyones schedule and Im generally always free unless Im workin, which isnt all too much.

Sorry if it bugs people, but its the easiest way for me to cheer up. Plus I wanna get to know people more.

Its Over

I cant do it anymore. I cant pretend nothing is wrong, or that i have it under control.

My mood changed so much today. I went from tired, to angry, depressed, happy, carefree, helpful, loving, to depressed, enraged, and finally hopeless.

Its official. My depression has spiralled out of control. I cant stay the same way for more than a half hour without someone or something changing my mood.

I give up. I cant win. I thought I could take back my life but I cant. Ive tried to be optimistic, to see the good, but it just backfires and fucked me up more.

Im not sure what to do, but I know that Im gonna be fucked. Its the end. I cant joyride on my little happiness.

Im not sure whats gonna happen, but one things for sure.

Ill see you fucks in the gutter.

Post 50, Funniest thing tonite

Funniest thing, me and Chris went to the 24/7 rite aid. he had his finger holding onto a shelf of gum while i was about to pay, I said, careful there, he looks at me with the straightest face and says, no going anywhere. We both proceed to laugh through me paying and out 2 blocks down the street cracking up, crying from laughing, and nearly pissing myself from the random situation of it all. Funniest thing in my life.

Also, this.

Teddy

Where to begin...

It hasnt even been a full year yet and I miss you every day.

I still remember seein you and giving you a hug. Been ages since I did. I wanted to hang with you at Bury Your Dead/Throwdown, but unfortunately, thats the last time I saw you.

Ive never cried harder than when I went to your memorial service. Ive never seen so many people, I knew, I didnt know, everyone, who was there for you. So many people, whether they were friends or not came together for you. Even more to came jam at your memorial show.

I can only hope to have as big an impact on so many lives like you did to everyone. I can only hope that everyone will put aside thier differences to come hang one last time.

And yet, thats why Im typing this now.

None of my friends like most of my other friends. Its like I have a fuckin astroid belt of friends, some collide, others go together. No one likes one another. Theyve all made that perfectly clear. I dont know what to do. They hate each other for the stupidest reasons, most of which I can understand and relate to. Id be a fuckin hypocrite if I said I wasnt like that, I am, and I expect the same amount of disappointment from my friends, no matter what reasons I give to justify it with.

I dont think its fair. My friends are so focused on things I see as petty, and they complain how its wrong what theyre doing, etc, yet I can relate to the ones they dont like cuz Ive been in that situation, both sides. Ive gotten fucked over so many times youd think I was trying to date Enron. It sucks.

I got a job at Petsmart haha. Started in Feb. I been doing good. Ive learned so much stuff about animals, and I can honestly say Im pretty knowledgable for a guy who's never owned one. I kinda wish youd come in, even though you lived over by the North store. Its fun. Ive learned soooo much shit thier, about animals, retail, everything. Ive made some amazing friends, hell, I even had a crush at one point, who's now just a really good friend. Ive always thought Id be on the chopping block, mostly cuz I have no animal experience. Im so paranoid and stressed that its made me sick and think about quitting.

Thats when I remember, Teddy, you loved animals. Nature. Everything. What keeps me coming back is all the amazing people I know and all the great animals I help. Even if its just ringing up some food and shit bags, its in some way helping that animal. It gives me a good feeling to do something helpful for someone else. I should be so thankful as to have a job that has given me an education that was far better than a school and will help me in life.

A few weeks ago, a couple came in and walked around. Thought they looked familiar. Just chalked it up to my extreme drowsiness. As they walked out I noticed the guy had on one of the shirts from the memorial show. I got so sad. I felt a wave of lonliness, though all my friends were there. I missed you.

Theres so much going on now in my life its making me sick with worry. Money, jobs, women, friends, family, health, its so stressful. Yet not a day goes by that I dont think, hey, I bet Teddy knows a lot about this stuff.

I just dont know what to do anymore.

No one can accept peoples circumstances and shit, no one can get along, and nothing goes right anymore.

I hate this feeling. I have so many friends and yet, everyday I feel lonely cuz youre out of our lives, so many people prolly feel the same, but for me, its everyday. I know we werent best friends like you and Ryan were, and I cant imagine what he felt. I dont even wanna try. But something makes me feel this way. Like I said, its not even the winter yet and I already dont like going to work anymore. I feel the chilly air and smell the change in seasons, and I feel as though a part of me is gone.

I know one things for sure. Im afraid.

Im afraid to lose anyone. Everyone. Even some of my friends, like Bri, Kaitlyn, Amanda, Jon, people who I see all the time and hardly know anything about, Im afraid to lose. Whether it be by distance or by worlds like youve gone to, Im afraid of them leaving. Thats why Im always so fucking annoying and always talking. I always talk cuz I want everyone to know me, know as much about me as they can. And I try to keep things in mind when Im told them, this way I can remember details of thier lives. I know one thing is also scary to me is being forgotten. You saw how many people came to pay thier respects and honor your memory, I want that to. I want to be as good a person as you were, live life grand, and make an impact on all my friends lives.

I cant stand the thought of something happening to my friends. Hell, I didnt sleep for like 3 days right when you passed. Even some of my friends, who I barely hang with, I always go on and talk to them, try to make them feel better, try and be a good friend, listen, and help them out in any way I can. I always try to do the right thing, just so I can keep everyone together, closer, and with me. Ive always been a good friend to people, but I guess now it matters more than ever. I sit online and try to entertain and brighten up thier days, just to be the one to bring them some happiness in this shithole world.

I love all my friends dearly, and I cant stand to see them upset. I wish they all knew that Im always here to listen, and I will always try to help them. Some do, others I think havent opened up...its sad that they havent. Regardless of our history, I always will be a good friend to everyone.

I know thats what you did.

Anyway, its 1am, Im dead tired, and I have work early tomorrow. You know I cant say things like this without gettin teary eyed, stuttering, or being a total cornhole haha, so Ill type it from the heart.

I miss you dude. I wish you could be here with us all. I know everyone misses you. I wish I could be as good a person as you. I wish my friends that dont know me as well as chris and matt do would open up. I wish I could hang with you again dude. I know Im still fucked in the head, cuz even typing this, after almost a year, having to live with the fact youre gone is still heartbreaking, still tearing me up, still making me teary eyed, and still affecting me hard. I dunno what to do anymore. I've been trying to do the right thing, but Ive become so jaded... I can only hope to keep thinking positive, living life, and hoping that the people I care about, whether theyre my best friends of like 15 years or someone I met maybe 3 months ago from work and got to know better as time went on, that Im always there, my phones always on, and I will go out of my way to help.

I love ya dude, and I miss you a ton.

Hope youre relaxing.

-Reg

I Hate Being Sick

Sick again. Stomach virus. Cant keep much in my stomach before it uh...decides to come out.

So anyway, if I do go into work tomorrow, Im gonna be giving my boss a piece of my mind. Even the other managers are sick of her schedule meddling.

Everyone of my friends there is fucking miserable. Bri is sick and theyre harrassing her, they make Hope stay for like 8 hours, Mel and Amanda have paperwork that cant get done cuz the boss dont schedule in enough cashiers so they have to in addition to trying to make the quota for selling classes, other Amanda was on meds for a sliced open hand/finger and they still made her stay an extra 2 1/2 hours cuz they didnt schedule other people in.

Everyone is miserable, and yet Im the ONLY one who has the guts to say something to thier face. I dont blame everyone though. They NEED the job, whether it be to support a family, pay bills, or live themselves, they cant afford to lose it, so they go along with it grudgingly. I however dont need it. Im not paid enough to take thier shit. If I get fired, its not a big deal, I get another job and put down the old boss for a reference. Either way, Im gonna stand up to her cuz she shouldnt be doing this to people, especially when she knows she has power over them since we're all expendable now, considering she hired 7 new people.

As I said, I dont blame everyone for not saying anything. If I were in their situation where I needed 2 jobs to make a living and support myself, animals, pay rent, help friends, etc, Id be apprehensive about a certain confrontation.

But Im not living alone or with friends. I dont have animals to take care of. I dont pay any bills. Most of my friends consider me lucky that I have it easy. Its not all its cracked up to be. Im never gonna be any of the things I aspire for, and Im ok with this. But if I can make a small difference so that my friends at my store can have an easier time, able to be flexible for family, friends, school, other jobs, then Im willing to risk my job to bitch out my boss and tell her that its unfair to make people stay and put people on for when they dont have to be there, not tell them, and bitch them out. Its rediculous.

Anyway, I work 9-330 tomorrow. It may be my last time, if Im well enough to go in at all.

I can only hope to get her to see shes making everyone want to quit.

And I can only hope that I will be able to come in and see my friends and these wonderful animals in the future.

God help me.

Its Never Just 1 Thing, Is It?

Ok, so I didnt sleep well last night because my shoulder was fucked, and I ended up passing out and woke up with both hurting. It sucks. I go into work feeling like shit, and after about 5 or so minutes, walk to the bathroom and puke a little. Asked to go home because mom said she didnt feel good either. Great.

So havent been able to stay full today, been weak, cold, and stressing. And thats why.

Its not just the thing with the girl. Its never just 1 thing. At the same time, now that so much has changed at my store since I started there, Im pretty sure theyre thinking of weeding me out due to inefficiency and the fact that I dont come in for when they write down and dont tell me. My boss has to fuckin grill me when I say Im going to the doctors tomorrow and wont be in. For what? Why cant you come in? Will you have a note? Are you sure you cant come in?

Trust me, if I could fix the abundance of shit wrong with me, Id be makin bank.

So for those of you who know the situation, no it is not just about the whole girl thing. Its sooo much more.

My shoulder has been bothering me, as Ive mentioned before. The reason Im making a big deal about it is cuz of my dad, and all the shit he had to go through. And he's still not fully healed. Im scared. I dont wanna have problems like this. Im too goddamn young!

Also, since Ive been waiting to see when my bosses can me, Ive been searching for another job. I wouldnt WANT to get fired, I dont WANT to go somewhere else, not get paid as much, and not be able to see all my friends everyday. But if it comes down to it, I will have no regrets, and I will go out with dignity. I love all the great friends Ive made thier, employee and regular customers alike, but Im not gonna carry on like a kid if they want me gone.

I can only hope that if or when this happens, I wont fall out of contact with all the great people Ive made friends with there...

Not just that, but a combo of that and my shoulder too. My family isnt very rich. My dad is retired and Im the only one in the house with a paycheck coming in. If I needed something done for my shoulder, I dont know if we could afford it. Im fearing for my family too.

Plus, everyones bugging me to start my career. I dont have one anymore, as I stated last post.

On top of all of this, my stress has been getting to me. All the shit I have to deal with, and my stomach is in knots sometimes, but I just keep going, despite feeling like Im dying. I do it cuz I know my friends at work dont have enough people there to pick up my slack. Until Im physically sick, I keep going. Well, today that came to a halt. I have so much on my plate, I have no idea what to do. My parents can only be there to support me. I have to figure all this out on my own, and someone help me I hope I can make the right decisions. Whether it be leaving my job to get healthy and figure out what I wanna do with my life, or keep going until Im back in the hospital with a fuckin tube camera down my throat to see if Ive developed full blown ulcers.

I know not many of you out there can help, and I dont expect you to. I dont wanna leave my job because Im fucked up physically and mentally, I dont wanna waste my parents money and go back to college or get xrays that will put us in serious financial trouble, I dont wanna not be able to wake up every morning, put on those damn clothes, see all my great friends and thier animals.

Im not sure what the next few days will bring, but Im hollow inside. Everything is spinning fast, and I need to figure out how to stop it and what to do.

All I ask from you all, my dear friends, whom I will always love more than any material possesions, is for your support.

This isnt easy for me to write. Everyone knows Im a little fucked, but just how fucked, well, its serious. Ive been messed up since high school, fuck, prolly before then. I have a lot of problems, and Ive ended up losing friends due to it. I just need everyone to bear with me, let me get my head on straight, tie my shoes, and fucking get my life back on track.

Please, for me, just understand im not normal in any way. This is the way Ive been, and I need to do something about it.

God help me.