Break Down Walls

Im always putting myself out there, and just when I think I'll be ok, something happens. Or in this case, nothing happened.

Of course the girls Im swooning over never go online, and thats kinda all I do. Yeah.

So uh, things clearly never going in my favor, and I dont like my life's direction. I know Im the only one who can change it, but whats the fucking point if each road leads to a lonely end?

Maybe things will get better one they get online, see Im a nice guy, etc.

I can only hope.

World Whore 4

You sicken me.

You said you were honest, but truly, its a lie. I was foolish to think you could ever be a true friend.

You said you were giving me a warning, telling me about someone I hardly knew, well, I think you were really talking about yourself.

I stuck my neck out for you, defended you, and stood against the tide that said you were a terrible person, and told them they were wrong. I gave you the benefit of the doubt, and yet in return I get nothing but a cold shoulder and your sudden ignorance.

You lied, with every breath you took, saying how I was a good person and how Im a good friend, when the only time I was ever a speck in your universe was when you got to chop someone down a peg without telling me anything of importance. You used me to feed your hatred for someone, and then you continued on as if I never existed.

You're the one who should feel sorry, not me. You're the one who is missing out on having true and noble kindness in your corner, you're the one who lives a life of excess and greed, you're the one, so vain, you cant settle down with just one person, the one who loves to manipulate but hates to be manipulated.

I thought you were different, but you're not, you're just the same type of scum like the rest of them. You use me for whatever sick purpose I serve you and then cast me aside as if you never had anything to do with me.

You're nothing but a self-centered whore, and you wouldn't know true happiness if it shot you square between the eyes.

Im glad Im not a part of your life, cuz the only woman I want in my life is someone who isnt as big a whore or as selfish, evasive, and keniving as you.

I will not falter cuz of you, I will stand and walk head held high and I will find someone who is worth the time and effort that you took from me, never bothering to return.

You will never find happiness.

Fuck you.

Somedays

I wish I could just disappear.

All the people who have a place in my heart have grown to hate me, more than anyone. I dunno why, but it makes me feel like shit.

This is why Im always so negative and angry, cuz its a waste. People I care for, love, hold dear, and try and help out before myself, they end up hating me and being a waste of time.

I wish theyd see how good a friend I am. I was always there to talk to when things were wrong, there to try and help make things better, I tried to help everyone I could, didnt care too much about what happened to me as a result, ended up just somehow fucking things up and making people hate me, despite my good natured heart and kindness.

If you see me and I act like a dick, now you know why. I tried to be a nice guy, I tried to be different, but I cant let my guard down for anyone anymore, cuz I end up getting fucked over again and again and again.

I hate saying this, but I love you so much I hate you, and vice versa.

A Question About Love

Detected.

So a friend posted a status that said, Here's a question-How many times have you fallen in love?

Being detected and sentimental as i am, it got me thinking. How many times?

After a quick count, 7.

7. I can remember only bad times with them. It was terrible. I always thought things would get better, and they never did. I wasted years on these people, only for them to turn on me and use me or cheat on me.

Recently, Ive thought I was in love, but it turns out to be one sided infatuation.

I added a ton of new people to make friends with on facebook, be a nice guy, maybe find someone who's into me, but still being talked to like im a bad guy.

I know Im a monster, cuz I say horrible things and have the opinion of death himself, but I ama caring and loving guy.

I dunno why people sometimes cant be straight up with me, or for that matter tell me WHY they dont like me, but whatever. Im trying to find a girl who will appreciate me for me and who wont change or make me change and be themselves.

So far, this goes with no results and many a day wasted trying to hang with people whom i either would like to get to know or who already have my heart.

This inspires me to write another song.

I dunno, it cant be love if Im the only one who cares. I guess in that case, Ive never been IN love since no one loves me, Ive only ever had feelings for someone who either didnt care or secretely hated me. It seems history repeats itself.

Its happening again, tenfold.

I dunno what to do, or how to tell them, or what, but my heart is splitting, such women who have a place in my mind each day.

I wish people would give me a chance to show them im not the monster i think i am, but thats not happening anytime soon since no one wants to even let me try to be a good guy.

I think its time for bed. If I keep up the sentimental crap, im gonna be cryin by the end of this.

Which would do me some good.

Wow Im Retarded

This is me.

Cuz I dont grasp that people have other shit to do.

Anyway, glad things are back to normal, glad people understand Im stupid, and give me more chances than I should get.

Love you all.

Oh, also, I plan on being hammered this weekend.

Yes.

Better updates to come.

Ignoring

Is this some fucking mind game? Anytime someone wants something or its important, they talk to me, but when im trying to be a good friend, no answer, i dont exist.

"Hey, I know its really none of my business"

Well, it isnt, but the fact youre making it yours and that you can be honest with me is refreshing, cuz at least someone cares.

Now whyd you bother telling me this if im always avoided or ignored? what was the point?

Why did i spend so much time trying to help these animals when you dont even respond to life or death info?

Why do i exist when you need something, but never when i wanna hang?

so fed up with every single one of my friends doin shit like this. im happy that im worth the time to worry about, tell important info, or important and nice enough to help you out, but when Im extending a caring hand to you with the guarenteed promise of being the best friend I can, and its not even met with a smile or acknowledgement, that hurts.

Im not sure what kind of headgames my friends are playin on me, but it aint fun.

Gah, thinkin too much, so much bad shits goin down, and I dont mean to sound like a dick or take it out on them, and I dont want to, Id just like straight answers, not aversions or the classic "i dunno" like I use.

If honesty is the best policy, why is my ass so honest, yet cant recieve it in the least?

Well, from some people....others have always been honest and that means a lot, even if it was only to spare some feelings of awkwardness.

Maybe more writing will help.

Oh, and listening to Manson all week. Old school shit. Makes me feel better. Its like listening to the blues for me.

I Just Dont Care Anymore, Sometimes

Eh, weird shit lately. Friends are unemployed, Im trying to use some usefull info I have to save a litter of puppies, random people, random IMs and messages, and somehow people seem to value my, uh, existance.

Strange.

Been working very hard at trying to stay positive and get things I want done, but Im far too nihilistic now to really give a shit, yet, at the same time, knowing that some people think if me and IM me or text or call out of the blue really picks me up, but also makes me see Im only tolerable in small doses, and that I really am lonely.

So, I have a long week ahead of me, and it will end with me being equally as lonely and fuckin workin my ass off for people who dont like me.

Welcome to my life.

A Prayer Or Two

I usually dont say much about my faith. I usually dont pray much either. Especially as of late, with all the sickening things that have gone on and will continue to happen, its hard for me to be a 'believer' sometimes.

But tonite, even when hanging with all my friends, I was bummed. A lot is happening, and for once, it isnt to me.

The castle has financial issues, ones Im hoping my small effort can help correct.

AAC is in like a week and Im pretty sure Im literally working and then not hanging with anyone the whole time. Wish I had money and some more friends to hang with, but at the moment, things would be very awkward for me...

Kaitlyns dog is pregnant. And she was vaccinated while pregnant. The puppies may not make it. And if they do, where to house them. And if something happens to the mother or the puppies, how much of a toll will that take on everyone?

Various happenings with friends. Some are bummed, some are unemployed, some are just flat out puzzling to me, and refuse to open up. Ironically, this gives me a refreshing look on how good I have it.

If my friends would just let me help them, talk to me, hell, SOMETHING, maybe they would feel better. Maybe my small part, just listening, let alone trying to help, would make them feel better knowing they have someone there to help and not judge or say whatever.

I always wondered why anyone, and I mean ANYONE is friends with me. Im rude, annoying, etc etc etc with the self loathing, but I do care. Everyone in life has a purpose, maybe this is mine, my small part is to fruitlessly try to help people I care about, make them hate me somehow by helping, and live in solitude.

Im sure once a lot of people get to know me more intimately, theyd see I am a monster, but one who at least gives a fuck about how they feel and what they have to say.

Ive clearly given up on doing anything good for this world, making something of myself, but I havent given up being everyones best friend, the go-to guy, the one you can count on to listen and help, or at the very least try.

Its fucking aggrivating sometimes when being there for someone is basically like being the rain; people curse it despite its neccesity.

So all in all, even though so much is wrong lately, I find myself thinking, praying, that things go right. Not for me, for everyone else.

I pray that my friends get the money they need to keep living, I pray that my friends dog has healthy puppies and they are able to find good homes for them, I pray that the rest of my friends would open up and talk to me, shoot me a text sometimes, and say hey, Im doin better, thanks for listening.

A thankless job indeed, but Id rather help for nothing than make matters worse for something.

Just wanted to let you all know, you mean a lot to me. I know some of you may not even think this means you, but it does. Everyone I know and talk to means something to me, and I hope that more people can open up and let me at least listen.

Im always a text or call away, since my phone is never off and Im online like 24/7.

Thanks.

Storm Wardens

So Ive decided to redo my marines. The Storm Wardens. Thier backstory is cool, and they fight worm people.

Been trying to figure out how to help out the castle (the game store I frequent) but so far I got nothing.

Im trying to organize get togethers for all my cosplay friends before and after AAC. Since I work down the road, it would be fun :]

Anyway, otherwise, writing more, painting and building more, giving a fuck and caring about people less.

I dont want to be the cold-hearted bastard, but some people....theyre pushing me into it.

Plus Im sick of being called/messaged/texted when they need something, never to hang or chat.

:/