Cancer Pt 1

So I thought my followup with my gastrologist was gonna be a five minute thing.

Nope.

It turns out that polyp I had a while back was Pre-Cancerous.

They said it means I could have Colorectal Cancer, or Crohn's Disease.

For the medically retarded, Crohns sucks, but the cancer can kill me between 3 months and 5 years, at best.

If it is cancer, it has a 50/50 chance of being still undeveloped and removed. Otherwise, I have a death sentence. Its not curable, and treatment will debilitate, possibly cripple me.

Pretty much Im fucked 6 ways to sunday.

I asked if I could reschedule my colonoscopy to ASAP so I can know if Im fighting a losing battle, but they cant reschedule it.

So now I fucking sit here, as time ticks away slowly, waiting to see if Im going to be counting down til I get buried.

If you never have to go through this, thank whoever you pray to that you never will. The cancer is supposed to be for people in at least their 50s. Im 22. This is fucked.

Its not the least bit comforting that I have good doctors when this can pretty much end my life in a matter of months. There is nothing satisfying knowing that I might die very soon.

There is no solace, no peace.

As optimistic as Im trying to be, I know there is no hope for me.

Im Reg fucking Edo, I have the worst luck on earth, and I may be dead before the year is through.

God help me.

Life hasnt been good. Ive been wondering why my stomach hurts, and why my reflux meds werent working as well.

I quit my fucking job thinking it was the stress that was making me sick, but this might be why. I left hanging with good friends and wonderful animals, something I love, and now I come to find out it may not matter about finding another job.

Im scared. My family and friends all tell me to keep my head up and be vigilant, take it one day at a time, but now that I know this might be deadly, its hard to keep myself optimistic.

I have no idea what to do. All I can do is sit, wait, and deal with these pains until next week.

I dont want to die.

Still Here

Not dead yet.

iamthewidowmaker.tumblr.com

dedhedred.deviantart.com

Look my ass up on facebook.

Im gonna try to do some more posting here.

Why I dont celebrate holidays

Well, since people keep asking me why Im recording with Chris instead of going to church and hanging with my family, I might as well post this.

I hate holidays. Any and all of them. They are a pointless marketing ploy. Theyre filled with greed and sadness.

Im recording and not celebrating easter because its like thanksgiving, you have to have something to appreciate and be thankful for. I have nothing to be thankful for. Im not in good health, Im always bitter, Im getting treated like shit all the fucking time at work, and I cant ever catch a desperately needed break, especially when Im on meds for this reason. I hate so many people and things, I hate dealing with these egotistical fucks I work with who know nothing about thier fucking job and who think theyre the god of the store, and I cant stand living in this world.

When I had sever depression in highschool, I used to have suicidal thoughts. Shit like, would it really fucking matter if I was dead? Other than the huge hole in my parents wallets for sticking my ass in the ground, what would fucking matter? Honestly, I thought about these things. I still do. I cant see much changing except half the world having one less name on thier fucking tongues to bitch about. One less person to clog up their minds and one less person to have do thier jobs.

I see christmas as useless. Its all greed and money. My parents always say itll get smaller this year. I tell them to get me a card, a shirt, some pants and socks. thats all I need. Anything I want, I will work hard for. Thats what we all do anyway isnt it?

As for religion, I have no idea. I dont even know anything anymore. I dont know what to believe. All the suffering I have to go through, just to go to the next level of shit, and yet once in a very long while, Im talking decades so far, theres something that happens that keeps me binded to my faith. I dont know what to believe or what I believe anymore.

All I know is, I hate holidays, Im bitter, jaded, and always angry, and I hate. I hate and hate and hate. Ive given up on loving cuz it just ends the same with me. Hatred.

I can only hope for a quick end, cuz I cant fucking stand being around these fucking useless people anymore. They make me fucking sick. I wish they would just fucking fade away. I cant stand dealing with these fucking kids and thier little whiny bullshit. In the end, everyone always sees, wow, reg had a point about this.

I know. Cuz I know people. I tend to think like them sometimes. Hard to believe I can be human sometimes, I know, but I dont just say things to hear myself speak.

Anxiety

It sucks. It isn't just a little flutter in my stomach. It's a deep, painful gash in my fucking life.

I don't just use it as an excuse, my anxiety is crippling to the point where I in fact miss a lot of oppertunities in my life because I'm so sick from it.

Puking isnt fun. Feeling like you're gonna 24/7 gets old very fast. Having to change everything about your life so you don't end up in the hospital is very hard.

Having to take very expensive pills every fucking day, and then go see someone every 3 weeks to get more, pay more, and maybe have to take more really puts a hamper on life.

Dreading every meal, every snack, every single social aspect, from going to a party with friends to simply going to fill up my tank, I have to live in fear of puking my guts out, not being able to hold in that lovely meal, and not be crippled enough to see friends I rarely get to see.

Meeting new people is very hard because I can't really chat with them if I'm puking/shitting my fuckin guts.

So yeah, next time you all wanna say, hey, you'll be fine, you take a step back, and fuck yourself.

I won't be ok. I'm not ok, nor have I been for years. This isn't something I can just get over. I've been living with it. It's a fucking curse, a burden. It's something I will always have to deal with if I expect to live past 30.

Fuck yourself if you think life is peachy or that I can use it as an excuse. It's not an excuse, it's not a ticket to a fucking free day off. It's a reason to sit with my head in a bucket for 2 hours and hope I don't lose more weight so I don't have tubes in my fucking arms to feed me. It's a daily struggle so I don't need serious medical attention, whether it be physical or psycholigical.

Eat shit.

And When The World Turns It's Back On You

That's when you'll know.

That's when you'll fucking know that you've got the world in the palm of your hands.

I believe I did the right thing.

I did what I had to to protect everyone.

And now we wait...

As for those that turned on me, you have nothing to say for yourselves now.

You made me your pariah, but if all goes right, I will be your savior.

Never Give Up

I will never give up.

Even during the times when I'm feeling useless, downtrodden, and would be better off dead, I will NEVER stop trying. I will never give up.

If my friends think that me getting fired means thats it, they're wrong. I won't rest until this is solved. Even if we've had our arguments and shit, I still consider them all friends, and therefor, something I care for.

I will not stop making music, just because I'm not good at it, and just cuz shows make me sick to my stomach cuz of my anxiety, I will always try to go, play, whatever.

Just because my art is childish looking since I never practice, I will never give it up, and I will get better at it.

And just because I am most likely going to be fired, I will not stop. The whole reason I'm doing this is to help make everything more bearable and so everyone can get the job done.

I will NEVER give up.

Even if everyone gives up on me.

Good

Have you ever questioned yourself and asked,

"Am I doing the right thing?"

"Is this worth it?"

"Why should I even bother?"

I'm having that trouble right now.

Oh Insomnia

Insomnia, my friend, when I have to work 8-9 hour shifts everyday til thursday starting last friday, I dont need a visit from you.

Women as usual.

Work sucks. I want a transfer. I cant put up with some of my coworkers utter incompetance and laziness. The last straw was when I was doing trash and a bag ripped open dripping cat piss all over my arm. Fucking disgusting. That fuck was supposed to help me, instead he dicked around then left.

I dont think Ill ever GET women, both metaphorically, physically, and psychologically.

Bah, once I can rest, not wake up for an hour every 5 minutes, and not feel sick to my stomach cuz of my paying job 24/7, then I wont complain. But until then, Im gonna be holding back vomit and rage all at once.

oh hai

Finally.

Writing.

Thinking of the future.

Bleak.

So drained.

Being sapped of life.

So tired.

Tomorrow is another day.

Oh hey, I still have this.

Im very determined to do a lot of things.

However, being sick AGAIN makes me lose all functions and motivations to do anything but the most base instincts.

That being said, I hate myself more than ever cuz I cant stay healthy long enough for me to get something done.

Good news is that I have tons of ideas for things that, SO FAR, are shaping up to be good.

Lets see if I can get better and actually finish these things.

Story of my fuckin life right now.

Been a bit

I have ideas. Ideas that I like, am proud of, and hopefully will act on.

Im gonna start makin notes and here and there doing shitty little sketches. And I mean shitty.

Im not proud of my art, as a matter of fact, I HATE IT. But if it means I have to put more work, well, I didnt get this far and am still alive, why not try harder?

Music is gonna be good too. Im excited for it.

Right now, as much as I think Im ready, that my heart is ready, my entire being, I dont think I wanna try to pursue women for a while. Its too much stress on me, and I need this full time that I better get.

I know all my friends have my back, but I dont know if I can keep my cool. I have good patience, but thats for everyone else, not myself. If I cant get something to be good, I give up. Maybe its time I change that.

I still am pissed that I need to have a fucking computer in front of me to draw right. I need to look at some of my old how to books for comics, animation, and realistic drawing.

Heres to trying and failing miserably.